My Love and I
by 3-points-P
Summary: Kamui and Subaru make something of a suicide pact, things get quirky ^_~
1. Arise at the summons

My Love and I  
Note: _This quirky little series is deciated to Nemi and Mura. Although I realize neither one of them likes SxK fics in the first place ;;;; The Kamui thing comes from Mura's theory about the impending ending of the X manga, her brillance I'm just stealing. And to Nemi for make me realize that Lady Sumeragi's character is horribly written in 99.9 of fanfics and making me want to follow her lead with her version of her in her unfinished fic Crimson Stars (AGHH!!! Nemi! Nemi! FINISH IT!!!! o). And yeah... nods to Nelly Furtado because I was listening to "Shit On the Radio" all through writing this XD_

Servants made polite silent tracks through the halls, moving so quickly to minimize the amount of moment that rippled through the still manor. If by some chance they should pass a member of the family, or perhaps the new master of the house, they would stop for a moment, bow lightly and wait for him to pass before hurrying on. To each other they made no such gestures for there was work to be done.

An event in a family has a way of embodying the house none more so than a death. In the main house there would be no laughter, no trivial conversation, no excessive hallway traffic. The servants had to work quickly and effectively because the house was decorated for mourning with a lack of moment and excitement in the house. And the only sound inside the main house was the occasional wondering whisper; there had been rumors that with the death of the Lady Sumeragi much of the staff would be fired.

This was terrifying and unthinkable to many who had been born into service here. Whose parents and grandparents and great-grandparents had served the Sumeragi estate. If they should lose their jobs, where would they go? Where would their children go? How would they ever adjust to change in generations of tradition?

Thus an uneasy stillness fell over the house. A waiting tension leaking into walls that were not accustomed to such a thing. And the house fell into a true sense of grief and uncertainty.

None more so than it's current master.

There was one place in the house where the waiting tension was not at all unusual. Although age had made it softer and understated like worn and beaten leather. This not surprisingly was where Subaru was spending his time, leaning against the bed frame staring at a blank plaster wall.

He didn't know what he was going to do.

He felt as though he had killed her. He had after all condemned her to years of suffering and selfblame, years of torment and guilt. Never once easing her heart with word of acknowledgment.

It's not your fault this happened, it's mine ... all mine.

He wondered idly if she would have listened. Or whether she would have always blamed herself for the tragedy that had become his life.

He supposed self loathing and guilt ran in the family.

She was a powerful, healthy woman. She could have lived well into her 90ies without a problem. But over the years her health had been failing, stress and grief and loss ... so much loss, over a lifetime draining away her spirit until today when it had finally been time to let go.

He had been in the house at the time, though not at her side as he would have liked to be. He had caused her so much pain, he would have liked to be there with her in the end and if he could not soothe it ... at least she would not die alone.

But that was not to be either, he thought perhaps she had waited for him to leave. As if dying alone was some final penance for her own mistakes.

He did not blame her, and up until the end all he had for her was love. Although he pushed her away and treated her with a mask of cold contempt, never did his heart betray her. He could not face her after Hokuto died. He couldn't stand to have her look at him after his shameful love for the Sakurazukamori was revealed. Bad enough to love another man, but the one person who she condemned as well? He knew it was that shame that had killed his sister. And if she didn't blame him for that, he felt she should. He could not stand to be in her company and accept the forgiveness she would have gladly given because he could not forgive himself. And it was only that he had grown so accustomed to mourning that he did not cry now that she was gone.

She too.

Judgment upon men had been passed and having nothing to do and nowhere to go, he came home. Had it been up to him he probably would have wondered the streets of Tokyo aimlessly for the rest of his life, but there was another matter that drove him out of the city and back to Kyoto. True, he could have just dumped the it here and ran back to Tokyo and the Sakura, but he was apathetic to his future at best and once his wish had been denied for good he had no reason to push away from her anymore.

And with what he had become he thought for sure she would grant him the scorn that he deserved from her.

She knew. She knew and she said nothing. In fact he believed the entire family probably knew, but no one said anything. They simply let it be. And when he had come here nine years prior, kneeled obediently and informed her of the proposal, he was quite surprised to find that she did not hate him either. She did not condemn nor disown him nor berate him for his decision to take up the position of Sakurazukamori and Dragon of Earth. She merely looked at him sadly, for these were matters of Fate that could not be helped, and nodded softly.

And he had stayed, not as clan head or as a Sumeragi, but simply as a quiet presence in the house.

He tilted his head back and stared at the edge of an arm that could be seen of the body on the bed from where he sat. Soft, pale, creamy skin. As fresh and innocent as if it were newborn. He reached up, and with the tips of his fingers ran a touch across the side of one lifeless hand and down an unmoving pinkie finger.

He had come here shortly after the day Tokyo Tower fell with Kamui, for not long after the battle had ended Kamui had collapsed and had failed to wake up. What remained of the 7 Angels and the 7 Seals were scattered by the wind like dust, mere sparkles flowing aimless into an ignorable existence. There weren't many options for Kamui, everyone was to move on and carry with them the fragments of their own lives. Who among them could afford to take care of a comatose boy? He had no family left, and although Clamp Campus would surely pay for his medical care ... we would likely spend to bulk of his days alone. It seemed silly to worry about a boy in a coma being lonely, but it was Yuzuriha assertion that it would be horrible of them to leave him by himself.

The rest fell into place rather easily. The Sumeragi family had the money, the best medical professionals in Japan, scores of holistic specialists and the power to dredge up God knows what else. Plus and perhaps most importantly, it was far away from Tokyo. Too many painful memories there for it to be good for Kamui's recovery.

Subaru thought it was a little absurd to give a boy who by all medical standards was brain dead a change of scenery. Like Kamui would know a room in Kyoto from a room in Tokyo from a closet in a motel. But he had no reason to argue the point and had the proper arrangements made.

And so Kamui stayed, in bed as if asleep. With nothing but an IV to nourish his body and a dialysis machine to clean it, and daily medical care as impersonal as it would have been in CLAMP Campus Hospital.

Subaru rose enough to sit in the chair at Kamui bedside and took the boy's hand in his as he sometimes did, if only because he could imagine Kamui doing the same for him and he wanted to be polite and return the favor. But today he really just wanted the life. The warmth, the soft rhythm of blood moving through the vessels, an occasionally tremble as a muscle twitched. He had held her hand as she lay in bed, the difference being that she had been dead by then. And he really needed to feel the touch of something alive now because he mourned for her more deeply than he would have thought he would and it was comforting to hold a hand like this and feel something alive.

"She's dead Kamui."

He did sometimes did this as well, and sometimes stroked the boy's hair tenderly and sometimes kissed him on the forehead before leaving. He did none of these things because he cared for Kamui, although he had once harbored an affectionate instinct for the boy, but because it entertained him to do so.

Not in the way it would have entertained Seishirou to do so of course. Not in the dark and manipulative way. But it was something to do, as insignificant as brushing his teeth in the morning ... it was just something he did for lack of other better things to do.

But what did it matter? Kamui was probably long gone ... it wasn't as if these falsetto actions could hurt him.

It had been suggested several times by many different people that, perhaps, one of the Sumeragi tradition's special techniques should be employed to draw Kamui out. That Subaru should go inside Kamui's mind as he had before to bring him back.

Subaru would not, if only because he had no idea what he would say to Kamui once there. He couldn't think of any reason why Kamui should return, and there would be no purpose in lying to the boy ... he might as well stay how he was.

Subaru would tell them: He's been through a lot ... let him rest. And although that didn't satisfy their hearts it was not something that one could argue with. They would drop the matter and Subaru would go on silently envying Kamui for gaining the escape that Subaru had been denied so many times.

His brushed his fingertips over the Kamui's forehead, his mind skimming over the surface of the boy's mind ... merely curious as to whether Kamui was in fact there at all. The lightest of touches, too light to be detected by someone such as Kamui with no onmyoujitsu training, reflected nothing and if he was there he was down much much deeper.

Subaru pulled back ... satisfied for the time being.

He would go to Tokyo tomorrow morning and not return for a few days. "Business" the staff would say when asked. And it was true although it was not any business of the Sumeragi clan that called him back so routinely.

He came home to chaos.

He was not used to coming home to chaos. He was not used to chaos in the main house of the Sumeragi estate. The compound had always held a stifling peace, an almost choking calmness, one that discouraged loud noises and so much movement.

Nevertheless.

"What the hell is going on?"

"Sumeragi-sama!" a servant he vaguely recognized exclaimed. "Kamui woke up!"

Subaru had never expected to ever hear anyone say that. He had figured that Kamui was gone, completely brain dead and that he would live motionless in that room until his body gave up. To realize that the same boy that he had known nearly a decade ago had now in effect returned from the dead, was sent a shock right throw him. Not only had he not planned on this, he had no idea what to do with this. "When?" was what he managed to get out.

"This morning, he woke up and started screaming because he couldn't move."

"Well of course he couldn't move, he's been in a coma for nine years, his muscles have atrophied," Subaru grunted as he pushed past people and stalked towards the room where he had left the boy.

What the hell was he going to do with him now?

Someone had apparently helped Kamui sit up and he sat in his bed working the only muscle that for some ungodly reason had stayed into good enough shape to be used, his tongue. Throwing what could arguably be called, even if limited use of his body, a grand scale temper tantrum.

Subaru would later wonder if it was really Kamui that had woken up and not some obnoxious, vengeful spirit possessing his body.

"Stop it," he ordered as he entered the room. It was not very authoritative, but then it didn't have to be either. He was addressing his staff, he had no need to be authoritative around them. They would nod solemnly and obey regardless.

Kamui's breath caught in his throat. "Subaru..."

Once the room had been cleared of servants, Subaru turned to address the awestruck character in front of him. "Good morning," he said conversationally.

"It's 2:50" Kamui pointed out rather dumbly, as if trying to buy time in order to regroup. "What are you doing here?"

"This is my home."

"It is? Seriously?"

"Yes, you're in a spare room in the main house of the Sumeragi estate."

"Oh... Forgive my rudeness I didn't know." He might have bowed Subaru imagined, if that was at all possible.

"Mmm, well no matter. I assume once you're recuperated you'll be returning to Clamp Campus."

"Eh?" Kamui blinked. "I thought..."

"Well what else would you do?" Subaru shrugged casually. "I mean if you have something else in mind, I'm sure Imonoyama-san will be able to arrange it."

Kamui stared at him for a long moment, both searching and disbelieving although what Subaru couldn't quite determine. "What's the matter?" he asked more of habit then anything else. He was more accustomed to see problem, fix problem, go back to life.

"Nothing," Kamui mumbled. "That will be fine ... Subaru?"

He had been turning to leave. "Yes?"

"Why can't I move?"

It was an overstatement, he could of course move, just not very well. He was physically weak to the point where he could not hold himself up and even the simple task of lifting his weight onto his arm was exhausting. His body felt like it were a hundred thousand tons. This all was to be expected, but to Kamui who had no idea what was going on it was frightening and extreme.

"Kamui," Subaru said, walking fully into the room and sitting down on the bed next to him. "Do you have any idea how long you've been unconscious?"

Kamui's shoulders fell out of a shrug midway, so he settled for looking at Subaru dumbly instead. "I dunno, a few days maybe?"

"Nine years."

At first Kamui had no reaction whatsoever, it was if the words simply got stuck in a hole in his brain so that they made absolutely no sense. "Nine years..." he repeated, swallowing timidly and turning to stare at his hands. "Nine years?"

"They'll be a physical therapist in to see you tomorrow."

"Wait!" Kamui cried out as Subaru attempted to leave once again. "What's happened? How are the others?"

"I wouldn't know," Subaru remarked calmly, only half turning back to him. "The last time I saw any of them was before we left Tokyo.

Kamui thought to ask Subaru why had hadn't kept in touch with any of them when it occurred to him that why would he? Even if what remained of the Seals accepted his decisions, Subaru had not been a very sociable person in the first place. What reason did he have to keep in touch with them?

He thought for sure Subaru would use his silence as an opportunity to leave before he could pull back with more questions. But the Sumeragi had a question of his own that kept his hand grounded on the door frame. "Kamui."

"Eh?"

"What happened to you? After Fuuma ... there was nothing wrong with you physically, nothing that would induce a coma at least. I've never seen anything like that before."

Kamui looked up, a tad bit confused. "Like what?"

"You fell." Subaru eyes moved over the groves in the door's frame.

"I've been waiting I suppose. When it was done and I knew he was... I decided something, but I don't remember what it was. And... that's all I know."

"You've been waiting?"

"Yes."

"And now that there's no more waiting time to suffer... you've woken up?"

"Yes."

"I can do it myself," Kamui snorted, folding his arms over his chest and turning up his nose. "I don't need to be _bathed_" The word was loaded with contempt and violet eyes cast a scathing glance in Maiko's direction.

"You can, can you?" Subaru lifted an eyebrow. "Fine then get up and do it."

Subaru was just as stubborn, standing in the doorway his own arms folded over his chest with complimenting firmness. He stood and he waited for Kamui to get up and walk across the hall to the bathroom.

Kamui paused, his eyes weaving over the folds across the blanket he was clutching, trying to hide his obvious embarrassment.

"See now, you can't ... so why don't you let Maiko-san do her job and behave? The more cooperative you are the faster it will be over."

"I don't _need_ someone to bathe me," Kamui insisted, showing that he had no intention of been moved from his bed anytime soon.

This was beginning to irritate Subaru, who had grown quite accustomed to having his life go a certain way without question, who was quite used to not having to deal with these sort of problems, who did not usually have his own reflections interrupted by piercing screams other than his own. "I assure you Kamui she knows what she's doing, there's nothing you've got she hasn't seen."

Kamui blushed and ducked his face under the safety of his bangs.

"What did you think you went a full nine years without being bathed?" Subaru sneered.

"No..."

"Then?"

Subaru didn't wait for an answer, he simply walked off-- informing Maiko that "if he keeps giving you trouble I'll have Tein-san come up and restraint him."

Kamui straightened immediately, eyes wide as if Subaru had suggested an execution. "Who's Tein-san?" he whispered to Maiko once Subaru was out of sight.

"An Imperial guard," she explained, adding at the sight of Kamui's expression. "The Sumeragi family is very important to the government and the Emperor, there are a few guards on the estate for security and emergencies."

"Oh.."

"Now!" she brightened. "We have a wheel chair you can use, so you won't have to stay in bed all day."

Kamui looked at her curiously as she walked back into the hallway to retrieve the item. She returned with an antique looking thing, with large wooden arm rests and plush faded cushions. He frowned as he saw it, "Is that thing safe? You wouldn't be plotting against an invalid would you by chance?"

She laughed, "of course it's safe. And it's not like you're going to put that much stress on it, what with you being like 94 pounds." She poked him softly in the ribs, he gave a defenseless yelp and she laughed again.

"I weigh more than that!" he protested.

"Not much honey, I'm afraid the coma hasn't done wonders for your figure. Here, let's get you in here..." As if illustrating her point she picked him up without much trouble and slid him into the wheel chair. "There, comfy?"

The chair felt ... strange. He couldn't really explain it, but he got a stiff chill as soon as she sat him down in it. One that passed through him quite quickly. The old metal chair was cold, not like ice but like stone. He shifted as best he could, trying to pin down the exactly feeling ... finding that the harder he thought about it, the more the feeling retreated in the back of his mind. "I suppose," he mumbled.

"Well good," Maiko smiled as she started wheeling him down to the bathroom. "A nice hot bath will make you feel much better Shirou-san, you'll see. It will warm up those stiff muscles."

Being bathed was a frightening and an embarrassing experience. To have it so obvious that he weak and needed to be cared for to do the simplest of tasks was humiliating. To have his body exposed, scars revealed, weak limbs and evidence of out of shape muscles obvious, to a person who thought of him as...

"Weak," he said.

The bath did feel good though, having Maiko thoroughly scrub and shower him before was a pleasant feeling once he got over the initial self consciousness. "How did you do this when I was unconscious?"

"Oh it wasn't as difficult as you'd imagine. We didn't do an actual bath per say, just this."

"Hmm..." he murmured. "I'm ... sorry. About before."

"It's all right Shirou-san, I think I'd feel the same way if someone was going to give me a bath."

"No... I mean... that wasn't why I yelled at you. I was mad at Subaru, and I still am ... but that doesn't mean I should take it out on you."

She was quiet, the shower head running water over his skin dominated his senses for a brief moment.

"You and Sumeragi-san were friends once neh?" Maiko asked casually as she worked the shampoo into Kamui's hair. It was soothing, the feeling of her fingers up against his scalp, rubbing in little circles. He relaxed a bit.

"Yeah ... we were once."

"Maybe one day you'll be so again?"

"I doubt it ... as soon as I can walk the first place I'm going is out of here," Kamui scowled. "I hate him."

"Why?"

Kamui looked up at her, "do I need a reason?"

"Is it because of the Sakura?"

"No..." Kamui sighed. "I hated him before that..."

"There must be some reason..."

Kamui thought about this for a moment. "Yes ... there is, because he's a goddamn coward and he couldn't just tell me the truth. I thought I knew ... but now I wake up here to find he's the one that's been taking care of me. So I think maybe I was wrong ... or maybe he's changed. But then he speaks to me and I realize it's just the opposite. Nothing's changed, and it never will. He's just a selfish bastard who doesn't care who he hurts. He's always been like that, for as long as I've known him.

"And I hate him."


	2. Speak

My Love and I 

_You..._

_Where are you?  
Here..._

_I'm here...  
I've missed you.  
I know, I'm sorry  
It's not your fault.  
I would have done the same for you, you know?  
I know ... that's what made me feel so bad._

_But you've returned now. And I'm glad  
Well..._

_I made a promise to you didn't I? _

Kamui opened his eyes. It was morning, the beginning of the another day in a world counting nine years fast.

He was dimly aware of someone nudging him awake, softly but persistently. He had absolutely no idea what time it was, but it was early he was sure of that... the sky was still a faint ash blue.

"Nyahhhhh..." he whined a little. "I'm tired... go 'ways."

"Tired?" an irate feminine voice answered. He recognized it, perhaps better than he would have had he know her longer than he had, and allowed himself the open his eyes and muster a glare.

"You woke up from a nine year nap yesterday. How could you _**possibly**_ be tired?" Maiko asked, mocking annoyance. She was in fact amused.

He continued to glare. He was tempted to say _Look, I was the Kamui of the Dragons of Heaven and I got my ass kicked routinely all for the sake of humanity and ON TOP OF THAT they made me go to school!!! Which means everyday I had to get up at 6:30 in the morning to go educate my messiah mind. I deserve a sleep in day!!!!_

But he seriously doubted that even she would see the humor in that.

"Everyone in the house has been up hours by now," she said matter-of-factorly.

He blinked, then frowned. "Well there's no reason I should be up... it's not like I'm going to do anything besides lay here."

"Ah... but I thought I might take you to see something."

"Like what?"

"One of the gardens ... if nothing else you can sleep out there, in the sun and fresh air. And any fool knows that being a lazy bum outside is much better for you than being a lazy bum inside."

Distantly he thought she was trying to get him out of the way. But distantly ... he didn't really care either.

She had an expression that was must definitely stern, high cheek bones, white hair that hung limply from her scalp, a fine pointed nose and skin that was worn with age so to make her seem meaner and colder. He was not afraid of her exactly, for he knew an old woman posed him no threat even here, but he was startled by her. And he regarded in a sense of cautious awe.

"In order to be a good onmyouji one must be to empathize with people," she told him.

He was about to explain that she had no reason to instruct him in this since he was not an onmyouji and had no plans to become one.

But she continued on anyway.

"It's not enough to chast wards and mutter the chants, if a spirit truly does not wish to leave, those things are useless. They will work, they will protect you ... but their strength is linked in your own and once you grow tired they will fall. And you cannot keep them up forever.

"It's all about being able to trust people, and convincing them to trust in you. Only then can you guide them. Only then can you mediate spiritual energies."

Kamui notice that pendant she wore, which was the only thing aside from her profile that he could really make out with any degree of clarity. His eyes twitched but a little in recognition of the symbol, "you couldn't possibly be..."

"There were many times they asked me why I did not tell him. 'How can he protect himself?' they asked. 'How can he be wary of the man who will kill him if he doesn't know?'. And there were many in this family that thought it would be best to tell him all we knew

"I wanted him to be safe... But...

"To tell the child that there was one who would kill him. To expose him to the darkness inside of people and to ask that he always be aware of it. To instruct him to protect himself by always looking for the darkness that might strike him at any moment in his young life is to make him cynical. To kill the innocence. To cut him off from people. By shielding his eyes from it, I risked his life and the lives of all he held dear. But If I had told him, what would he have become?

"That innocence had delivered him from the hands of the guardian once ... I prayed it would again."

"Do you regret it?" Kamui asked.

"There was pain that he should have never known. And when he confronted this darkness they wanted me to show him, he saw light in it. My heart cries for the tragedy that befell him, but it regrets nothing."

She turned her head then, eyes noble but sad ... dark as the void that surrounded them. "He is still the best onmyouji in Japan," she said.

"Why are you telling me this?"

Kamui definitely brought something to the Sumeragi main house that had not been there in a long, long time. A sense of bitter irrationality. He was turning out to be a extremely erratic house guest. Sometimes he was fine ... polite, calm, as sweet as Subaru recalled him being in his youth. Other times he was a total brat, completely unreasonable, demanding, and rude.

Subaru had no idea what was going on in the young man's head and frankly he couldn't care less. If he continued this way, Subaru would just have him sent away as soon as he was strong enough to be anymore than a nuance. Before Kamui had been such an ignorable presence he hadn't thought to move the boy somewhere else. Besides it seemed to give the staff something to do and it had been a while since they're hands had been busy with work.

And with the death of his Grandmother he knew that they would be even less for them to do. His Grandmother had not held up such traditions that would keep the house staff on their toes as they had been under pervious clan heads. He had never known for certain whether she did not uphold this traditions because she didn't want to, or because she couldn't.

But regardless, he thought as he wandered casually towards the main hall and inevitably to exit the main house-- his staff hurrying around him to prepare everything that would be needed for the day's event, he was an unlike candidate to restore such traditions. He glanced softly at the traffic scurring their way out as quickly as possible. Kamui, now more so awake than asleep, kept the staff busy.

And by some chance, Kamui's head peaked out of his room curiously at the sound of the soft march of mass moment. Subaru could almost see his ears twitch as his eyes scanned the hall and watched servants, dressed plainly and in black make their way down the hall. He turned his head and spotted Subaru immediately. "What's going on?"

He wheeled himself out into the hallway a bit and stared up at Subaru curiously. He did note that Subaru was wearing much more black than usual, for it was a good color on the man, but chose not to voice the obvious conclusion. Partially because from what he thought he knew of Subaru, this did not make any sense.

"Funeral," Subaru answered. "Most of the staff will be gone for the day, but I'm having a few stay behind to take care of things here. You'll be all right."

It was not a question.

"Who died?" Kamui asked with an innocent blink of his eyes.

"My Grandmother."

Things clicked into place much faster than he imagined the should. He had known that ... when he had seen her before. He had known, but he could not peg the connection he felt to her with a name. "Oh God Subaru ... I'm sorry. When?"

"A day or two before you woke up actually." Subaru's voice had a haunting lack of inflection in it. This did not surprise Kamui really, but that did not mean he was comfortable with it. Particularly when Subaru effectively dismissed him by calmly wheeling him back into his room. "Some of the family will be coming back here afterwards, I trust you to behave yourself."

Kamui nodded dumbly and watched Subaru walk out without another word. He did not notice that Subaru had wheeled him into the clutches of something truly menacing.

"Good Morning Shirou-san!!!"

Inwardly Kamui flinched, outwardly Kamui nearly fell out of his chair.

"Ah! Sorry," Maiko grinned. "I didn't mean to startle you."

This might have been true for all he knew. However, that did not stop her from quickly wheeling him to points unknown without so much as a comment on his plans.

"Hey!" Kamui yelped.

In his experience anywhere he was rushed to was not some where he wanted to be. And anything he had to be forcefully taken to do was not something he wanted to do. Things did not look very bright for him then, as Maiko quickly wheel him down the hall.

"You can't possibly want to give me _another_ bath," Kamui snorted.

"No of course not, I'm here to take you for Physical therapy."

"Oh that..."

Kamui fidgeted awkwardly with his thumbs, fascinating himself with the matching the turning sound the wheelchair made as he was pushed along. Maiko noticed this, although she misunderstood the reason for such things and assumed, "nervous?"

And with those words she woke him from a little mock trance he hadn't even realized he was falling into. He made a little start and quickly nodded. "Ah... a little."

"You shouldn't be, even if your abilities are less than you think they should be, you'll get better."

He nodded softly, not of word of what she said had mattered to him. And he had already began to drift off into his private meditation again ... running away from thinking ... when something occurred to him rather impulsively. He wanted to tell someone, because maybe if he did he would have an easier time convincing himself that it was crazy.

"Maiko-san? If I tell you something will you promise not to tell Subaru?"

She frowned, only a moment's pause in her step as she wheeled him down the hall. "Well that depends on what it is."

He couldn't really see her face. But he could tell, just by her voice, that she was uncomfortable with the notation of keeping something from her employer. As he supposed she should be under the circumstances. Nevertheless he felt he should tell someone, if only to stop troublesome thoughts from repeating over and over in his head. "It's nothing bad..." he began meekly. "I just ... don't want him to think-- that I'm lying."

"Why would he think that?"

"It's complicated," Kamui muttered. "Besides the less Subaru is in my life the easier it is."

They stopped. Along the wall next to them was a glass sliding door, the entrance to one of many courtyards designed and very Zen themed styles. A different one from that morning. One with a large willow tree, who's branches swept through the air like little brooms freshening up the air.

"All right, you can tell me."

He was thankful for it, because it meant he didn't have to look at her in the eye as he talked. He could instead stare a little to his side and wait for her reaction. He had no idea why he felt like this, since he was saying nothing that was shameful. But still he could not help the little voices that chimed softly _liar liar liar liar_

"I think..."

She squeeze his hand lightly, some how sensing that it was a very hard thing to say. Now kneeling in front of him, he knew that somehow she could hear the little voices accusing _liar liar liar liar_

"I think I saw Subaru's Grandmother."

_Honestly, do you think Subaru will care for you now? Because you saw his Grandmother? _

_Do you think you can just pull out all his dead loved ones and form a link between yourself and them so that he might confuse himself into thinking that he loves you as he loves them?_

She did not seem surprised, and at once he mentally hit himself-- of course she wouldn't be surprised, she did work for the most powerful onmyouji family in the world. So then she would not think he was crazy, he realized with a small frown. But perhaps she would still give him reason not to believe.

Because he really _really_ did not want to believe that it was real.

"When?" she asked.

"This morning ... I fell asleep in the garden."

"I see."

A calm acknowledgment of what he had experienced and then she rose and resumed wheeling him down the hall to where his therapist waited.

Physical therapy, Kamui realized, was surprisingly exhausting. All he was doing was lifting his leg, stretching it up, pulling it in to his chest and pushing it out again. And considering he was doing this all with his physical therapist's hands guiding him and sometimes supporting the limb being worked ... it was depressively pathetic.

To make matters worse, his physical therapist was oddly familiar with him ... having worked with him every day when he was in his coma. The man was apparently not catching on to the fact that Kamui had been unconscious for each of those sessions, and as such had _no_ idea who he was.

Shigure Yukirou was somewhere around Subaru's age Kamui figured, perpetually cheerful with gentle hands that had a knack for get Kamui's body to move in way his was almost certain it would not have the strength to move in otherwise. He had never been able to hold he leg perfectly straight and up so high ... and as he tried to explain this to Yukirou-san the man cheerfully correctly him. "We do this all the time."

And sure enough, with his slow guidance Kamui held his leg straight.

"See?" Shigure smiled.

"Oh shutup."

The man remained him too much of Keiichi to make comfortable around him. Not that he held anything against Keiichi, it was just odd. At the time when he was trying to convince his mind that he was not 16 anymore ... it was distracting.

"That's wonderful Shirou-san."

"Oh yes my legs bend, I'm sure the Olympics committee will be impressed."

"You shouldn't be so critical."

"Why the hell not?" Kamui hissed as his moved his leg again. "I'm now nine years older, without actually living nine years. I wake up and walking turns out to be an achievement ... let's not talk about jumping from building tops--"

"What?"

"Nothing... forget it."

Kamui settled for staring blankly out his window while he continued his stretching. What did it matter anymore? No family ... no friends ... nothing was left for him anyway. Nothing...

"Hey," Kamui said calmly. "If you've been working with me all this time.. why couldn't I move?"

"Oh well I come in to stretch the muscles a bit, but there's only so much I can do when you're unconscious. And while physical therapy during your coma would serve to prevent atrophy in the muscles, after nine years..."

"I see," Kamui murmured. "Do you work for the Sumeragi family?"

"Not exclusively, if that's what your asking."

Up... down... over... in... out

Now the other one...

"What's your impression of them?" Kamui asked quietly.

His therapist paused, fingers running down Kamui's tense hamstring as they lifted his leg as far up as it would go without pain. "How do you mean?"

"Well what do you think of them?"

Down... over...

"As a family they're very... professional."

In...

"You mean repressed? Conservative?"

Out...

"Something like that. There's a lot of pressure, a lot of dignity. The family is rooted in sacrifice, it feeds off the spirit of people."

Kamui stopped, blinking curiosity at the man. "That's an odd way to put it," he commented.

"Well it's true, I've been working here for a while. You'll see it if you stick around. There are members of the family that have responsibilities of a Sumeragi and then there are just ones that are Sumeragis by name. And it's the latter and their freedom from that staunch dignity that supports the former. The family is like a tree--"

"Feeding off the lives of others?"

He hummed, "that makes it seem a little violent... No instead I'd say that it's a tree that draws it's strength from the happy spirits. It is, afterall what they commit their lives too, peace in the spirit world. To ensure that happiness and balance."

Shigure guided his leg gently down and clapped his hands cheerfully, "now, let's work on those arms!"

Kamui groaned, "we can skip that, I've always had scrawny arms..."

He laughed and adjusted Kamui so he was in a better position to work on his upper body. "Don't you want to be able to live normally one day? Besides how or you going to speed down the halls away from Maiko-san if don't have enough strength to keep wheeling your wheelchair?"

"Point.." Kamui sighed. "All right fine. But tell me something else will you?"

"That depends, what about?"

"Subaru."

"Sumeragi-san? Well ... I don't really know him. But he seems to me too much like his predecessor. That's who I spoke most frequently to you know."

"So Subaru wasn't involved in hiring you at all?"

"No, Sumeragi-san wasn't involved it the family's business very much at all until recently."

"I see..." Kamui sighed. "Who was his predecessor?"

"His Grandmother I believe."

Kamui paused, a mostly futile action since there was no thought in his head nor argument that could have kept him from asking the question. "What was she like?"

He chuckled as his hands massaged Kamui's shoulder a bit before encouraging him to rotate his arm around in circles. "She was very intimidating. She had to be you see, she wasn't a Sumeragi by birth."

"No?"

Shigure shook his head. "Nope, she married into the family. She was from an onmyouji family, one the Sumeragi's intermarry with quite frequently I'm told. Her husband was to assume the position of the Clan's head ... but that wasn't to be..."

"He died?"

A nod as Yukirou-san nudged Kamui's arm to rotate the other way. "Left her and his young son behind. I'm not sure how she ended up as the 12th head-- since it's not something they just discuss with outsiders-- but I know she had to fight for it. She had to prove she had both the power and the leadership skills to do the job. And she had a lot enemies I assume, the Sumeragi's are a big family... a cousin, a brother or sister could have easily been chosen."

"Why did they chose her?"

He shrugged, "no idea, like I said it's not something they really talk about with outsiders. But I know it obviously wasn't a decision many people liked."

"What makes you say that?"

"Most of the family avoids the main house. They come here for family business and duties, but they shun social functions."

"Oh..."

Then Subaru would have presumably grown up alone. Although Kamui might never know how alone. To be severed from such a large family, yet still bear all the responsibilities of them without any of their support. And if he did learn of it, he would only partly understand it. Because he had never know his family beyond his Aunt and to him it was as if they did not exist at all. He felt no weight of their expectations, nor burn of their criticisms.

_He could see violet eyes staring at him from across the library even though he had not looked up from his book to directly meet them. Kamui would stare with an overwhelming curiosity lacing his wide child like eyes. Then he would catch himself and wander casually to other points of the room. _

_But his eyes would always come back. Curious, Subaru realized, he was curious about him. Not just about... say what he was reading or what he was doing. But about him. Kamui was curious about him. _

_This probably shouldn't have come as such a surprise to Subaru. He had, of course, only four days ago entered Kamui's heart and brought him out. And he was dimly aware that must be a fairly intimate event for anyone, let alone Kamui who seemed not to have a great deal of human contact anyway. _

_It was natural that Kamui should be curious about him _

_Honestly he was flattered. _

_Subaru deliberately waited for Kamui to look away before sitting the book down in his lap and staring at the boy. Letting his eyes slowly take in the sight before him ... not in a lustfully or demeaning or critical way, but as slowly and casually as one would admire a painting. Slow ... lazy ... taking his time observing how he moved, held himself, even fidgeted. _

_Inevitably Kamui turned around and looked at him. _

_And Subaru said nothing, nothing at all. Content to just keep staring at Kamui like he hadn't noticed the boy had noticed his attention. Kamui blushed a little and Subaru thought briefly that it really was adorable. _

_And after a few minutes Kamui began to squirm. Finally he looked up sharply, meet Subaru's gaze and asked, "what?" _

_Subaru shrugged, "nothing" he hummed keeping his voice level and as cheerful as his voice ever got. _

_He did not stop staring at Kamui though. And this made Kamui fidget even more. Barely a minute passed before Kamui looked up again and frowned. "What is it?" _

_Subaru tried his best to look innocent. "Nothing," he assured him. _

_"Then why are you staring at me?" _

_"Why were you staring at me before?" Subaru asked calmly, the tiniest tremble of amusement in his voice. _

_Kamui made a soft sound in the back of his throat that sounded suspiciously like an 'eep' and jumped back a little in surprise. "I-- I... I'm sorry!" _

_"It wasn't bothering me. I just wanted to know." _

_"Well..." Kamui began. _

_And Subaru waited, staring quietly as Kamui fidgeted a little more. _

_"Would you mind terribly," Kamui asked. "Telling me about what you do?" _

_"What I do?" _

_"Onmyoujitsu," Kamui elaborated. _

_He had already worked his way across the room, and was slowly lowering himself into a chair beside Subaru, as if he were afraid it was hot enough to burn him. Subaru shrugged. "Not especially." _

_Of course he would have had to be an idiot to be surprised by Kamui's inquiry _

_"Well... let's start with what you know..." _

_"Not much at all, my mother said onmyoujis get rid of spiritual disturbances..." _

_"That's part true. A lot of it is trying to bring a balance to things. Specifically between the worlds of the living and the worlds of the dead." _

_"Does it make any sense to need people to do that?" Kamui blinked. _

_"Eh? What do you mean?" _

_"I mean ... isn't the spirit world and the human world domains the gods are suppose to handle or something? Why do people need to do what divine power should handle?" _

_Subaru thought about that for a moment, then drew his cigarettes out of his pocket as if they would magically give him the answers. _

_"Do you mind if I smoke?" Subaru asked casually, and Kamui stared at the pack of cigarettes for a long moment before shaking his head. _

_After a few minutes of a good smoke, Subaru still did not have an answer for Kamui's question. Cigarettes apparently lacked the enlightening qualities they were assumed to have. "I don't know the answer to that. But I do know that there are people who I can help out there. So I will. Even if it is just a cosmic mistake." _

_"I'm sorry ... I've offended you." His soft gray hair swept over his forehead and he ducked his head away from Subaru's eyes. _

_"No ... you haven't. It's a good question." _

_Kamui didn't seem to believe him. "Can I ask you something?" _

_A shrug. "Depends." _

_"Did you ever get scared?"" _

_Subaru looked puzzled, "Scared?" _

_"Of ghosts." And he stopped if only to realize how truly idiotic that sounded. "I mean ... when you were starting out were you ever scared?" _

_Subaru smiled gently, inhaling leisurely from his cigarette before shaking his head. _

_"Not at all?" Kamui asked, a little awestruck at this idea. _

_"I started training very young, and I grew up around this stuff. There was nothing scary about ... 'ghosts' as you chose to put it. I knew that they could be dangerous, but ... there was never any time to be afraid of that." _

_They fell silent. The smoke of his cigarette curled up towards God like a charmed snake writhing to an unhearing music. In that way it was a calm silence, not the nervous lack of sound that might have fallen on them, but simply a moment filled with sound they could not happen. _

_"What about you, do you ever get scared of it?" _

_"Me? Of ghosts?" _

_"Of Fate," because that what Kamui had really been asking hadn't it? Do you ever get scared to the duties you have to fulfill? _

_"I'm terrified right now." _

_Subaru took a long drag of his cigarette, flicked the ash in some general direction and informed Kamui that "the hardest things to live through or the before and the after. The before is filled with fears and nervousness and anticipation. The after with guilt and what ifs. It's funny, that's 90 percent of life isn't it? The actual events we link all our suffering to are easy to live in, difficult to live through. _

_"Don't worry, when it's time you won't be afraid." _

_"How do you know that?" Kamui looked up. _

_"Because there will be no time to be afraid, only to see what's happening and react to it." _

_"That ... doesn't make me feel any better." _

_Subaru smiled lightly, bringing the cigarette to his lips once again. "It wasn't suppose to."_


	3. Relations

My Love and I 

"Well hello there."

A turn of the head away from the scenery. A frown. "Who are you?"

"Aren't I suppose to ask that?"

"No," Kamui replied dryly. "I was here first."

The young man, perhaps in his mid-30ties, walked with a small bounce in his step. He had a smile of fake gold, sparkling but likely to tarnish at any moment. Jet black hair kept short save for a small bit in the back which was braided into a tiny pony tail. He had pretty red eyes, Kamui thought. Almost crimson in their hue.

"Very well then, the name's Daichi. Daichi Sumeragi."

Oh ... of course. Subaru had mentioned guests before. "Ahh ... you're one of Subaru's relatives?"

"Second cousin to the little brat," Daichi announced proudly.

"I'm terribly sorry for your loss." The words felt odd in Kamui's mouth, as if he had no right to say them. But ... it was just one of those things one had to say when someone died.

"Yeah," Daichi's smile faded just a little as he ran his finger across the wooden armrest of Kamui's wheelchair fondly. "Old bird was a real piece of work. I'm going to miss her ... she used to let me use the family name to get out of some pot busts."

Kamui blinked, "what?"

"Nothing, just a little 'I'm working with spiritual forces you couldn't possibly understand officer' ... she pretended not to notice." He flashed Kamui a quick, charming smile and changed the subject with a cock of his head. "You look familiar some how..."

"I do?"

"Yeah ... we must have meet somewhere before. You some long lost nephew 15 times removed of mine?"

"Uhhhh ... I don't think so..."

"One never can tell with this family," Daichi sighed, plopping down on the grass next to Kamui. "Sooo... you play cards?"

"Pardon?" Kamui choked. Hadn't this guy just come back from a _funeral_ for Christ's sake?

"You know, cards. I'd prefer Ma Jong but this isn't the best place for it."

"I guess..."

"Good," his guest smiled, already pushing him towards a stone table over to the side of the courtyard. "Cause I'm sick of being in there watching people who don't want to be there and Subaru who doesn't want them there trying to pretend like their getting along well ... it's depressing. Plus boring as hell. And Subaru won't arm wrestle."

Kamui could not even imagine someone _asking_ Subaru to arm wrestle. Clearly he was at the mercy of a complete lunatic.

"What's your pleasure, care for a little strip poker?"

Kamui looked at the wily Sumeragi dryly. ":Not unless you want to spend 20 minutes helping me out of my clothes everytime I lose."

Daichi shuffled through the cards, a candid little smirk playing on his face as he a counted them quickly. "I wouldn't mind it," he wiggled his eyebrows at Kamui suggestively.

"No thanks."

He shrugged, "how about War then? Nice, easy, _long_ game."

"Is it so important that it's long?" Kamui asked, Daichi was already dividing the cards.

"A most emphatic **_yes_**. You don't understand. If it was anyone else but the former clan head the mourners would not stay so long. If it was anyone else succeeding her but _Subaru_ they wouldn't be nearly so anal about setting up how the family is to be run now. Even though Subaru has technically been the clan head for some time now, it was felt that Haruna-obasan kept his dark ways in check. How they think she did that is beyond me, but apparently they're convinced all hell's going to break lose now."

He packed to two equals halves of the deck so that the cards made nice straight piles and handed one to Kamui. "I'm here to prevent civil war from breaking out ... although I hardly think that's necessary."

8 of spades, 4 of hearts, Daichi took the cards.

"Why not?"

"Subaru will just give them whatever they want. He doesn't care, it doesn't take a genius to figure out he doesn't _want_ this job anyway. If he's lucky they'll appoint a new head and disown him ... They won't though."

5 of diamonds played, 6 of hearts, Kamui took the cards.

"Why's that?"

"Better to keep his family ties like a leash around him than cut him completely free. So they'll take away a lot of responsibilities and nearly all of the power of clan head, Subaru won't give a damn and all will be well. Besides in some twisted way I think they like this scenario. At least we know the Sakurazukamori won't be killing off anymore family members."

2 of diamonds, 7 of clubs, Kamui won again.

"Did the Sakurazukamori kill a lot of Sumeragis?"

Daichi laughed, "I wouldn't be surprised if the Sakurazuka clan had our pictures in a shooting gallery. It's been like this for 200 hundred years at least. Sumeragis get in the way either by job, stubbornness, luck or plain stupidity, and end up dead. Happened to Subaru's father, my great-uncle-- that's Subaru's grandfather-- our great-great-grandfather ... on and on and on and on..."

"How ... how do you know Subaru won't kill anyone related to him?"

Queen of Clubs, 3 of hearts ... Daichi pulled his card across the table slowly, tapping their edges on the table thoughtfully before adding them to his pile. "Subaru? Doesn't have it in him..."

"He is--"

"Oh I know, he kills. But not anyone he knows. He couldn't kill anyone he knows I don't think. It's a compromise he's made ... I'm surprised he hasn't feed himself to the damn thing."

Kamui was too.

4 of spades met 4 of diamonds, War.

They delt out three cards each face down. Jack of clubs verses 6 of clubs. Daichi took his cards with a grin.

"Got to hand it to him though," Daichi chuckled. "Damn kid outdid me in the end. I was always the blacksheep of the family. Now everything I do is insignificant. Geesh... overachiever."

"Are you an onmyouji?"

Ace of clubs to 7 of spades, Kamui was beginning to wonder if Daichi had fixed the deck.

"Nope, I'm a civilian. Couldn't squeeze a drop of onmyoujitsu out of me with a clamp-- Hey now I know where I know you from!"

Kamui blinked.

"You wouldn't remember I don't imagine, but I seem to recall last time I was down here ... oh maybe two years ago? Trying to find a place where I and my companion could have a little ... discretion, and picking the _wrong_ room." He laughed cheerful as Kamui groaned and trying to hide his blush, as if it were the most natural thing in the world to announce. "Dare I say she wasn't in the mood after that."

"I'm sure you made up for it."

Daichi shrugged and drew another card, the 9 of diamonds. "Didn't get the chance actually ... she quit soon after."

Kamui choked on his own breath. "Wait you mean she _worked_ here?"

His answer was accompanied by a wild and cunning grin. "Yup, quit stalling anyway ... draw your top card."

3 of diamonds

"Sucks for you."

They played on for the better part of two hours, few words spoken between them. It was chilly out, Kamui was trying not to shiver. Partly because he was enjoying this, a real sense of human contact for once, and partly because if they moved the game inside they were more likely to be found. And his companion dragged off some where with another relative to discuss some matter that Kamui could not be privy to.

And cards were really much more interesting than staring out the window.

"Say ... don't think I caught your name.."

"Kamui Shirou."

4 of clubs to 4 of diamonds, that made a Quadruple War.

They stared at each other.

"Well... what are the odds of that?" Daichi mused.

"I suppose it's possible."

"All things are Shirou, especially here. Well ... shall we?"

They delt out three cards quickly, laminated fronts cracking hard as they were whipped from the top of the piles. Then the fourth cards were pulled from the top of the deck, each glancing at the card they held knowing that a triple war would surely make or break the game.

"Imagine we're playing for the fate of the world here," Daichi mused, grinning like an idiot.

"Been there, done that." Kamui sounded bored.

"No T shirt?"

"No T shirt."

"Cheap fatalistic bastards. Save the world before bedtime, give the boy a T shirt" Daichi grumbled.

And with a look they sat their cards down.

9 of clubs to the Ace of hearts.

"I win," Kamui announced with a smooth grin.

"Ow, ow that was painful!" Daichi complained, as if the loss played its voodoo across his body, bringing horrible pain. "...Wanna play again?"

"Sure," Kamui smiled. It wasn't like he has better things to do.

Daichi quickly gathered up all the cards and shuffled them skillfully. "So Shirou Kamui ... Hm? Not _the_ Kamui?"

Kamui frowned as he watched him divide up the cards very carefully. From what he knew of him already, he didn't put it past him to cheat. "Yeah ... the same."

Daichi's hands came to a slow stop, his eyes fixed on Kamui somewhat surprised. He had clearly not expected such an answer. Although there are few things in this world that would truly surprise a born and breed Sumeragi. "No shit? ... somehow I'd thought you'd be taller."

"Why am I not surprised to find you out here?"

It was Subaru, who had either escaped from his relatives or Daichi was wrong and he had killed every single one of them off. Kamui doubted the latter though, his shoes were still off.

"SUBBY!!!!!!" Daichi practically squealed. "Come on, we're playing for organs this round, you're just in time to join in. Sit, sit!"

"Subby?" Kamui asked Subaru curiously, looking as innocent as a cherub. A cherub who would probably make good old of the name much later mind you.

Subaru ignored any use of the old childhood nick name as a general rule but nevertheless sat down at the table. "Has he molested you yet?" he asked Kamui. With a perfectly straight face no less.

"Many, many times," Daichi supplied. "As always you missed the marathon sex, he was a good whore ... but I tired him out quickly."

"I'm sure that's terribly difficult to do considering he's in a wheel chair," Subaru replied. A dry but sharp sarcastic tone in his voice as he looked down at his elder cousin.

"Oh, he's **so** faking it."

It was a remark that earned him a borderline obscene gesture from Kamui.

"Nice to see you two are getting along."

"Oh Subby-chan ... where have your manners gone? Doesn't your older, wiser, more experienced cousin get a hug?"

"That depends, are you going to steal my wallet again?"

Daichi look appalled at the very suggestion of knavery. "I would never--"

"It's in the right hand inner pocket of your jacket," Subaru supplied.

"...damn, no fair using your onmyou-psychic-jitsu mad skills on me."

"How are you two even remotely related?" Kamui asked, in a sense of dumb wonder. To think that a family gene pool could have so much variation. On one hand the solemn, soft spoken Subaru. On the other the wicked scoundrel that was Daichi Sumeragi.

"Powerful anti-angst genes brought into the family by the saint that is my mother," Daichi supplied with a grin. "And speaking of saintly woman, you **_did_**___ get your invite right?" _

___Subaru nodded, "I'm surprised there even was one for me." Then Kamui saw Subaru do something he imagined Subaru had not done in a long time, he smiled. A real smile. Not brilliant and wild like his that of his cousin, but real nonetheless, "Thank you." _

___"You're coming of course." _

___"I doubt I'd be welcome there." _

___"I doubt **I'd** be welcome there," Daichi smirked. "But that doesn't mean I'm not coming." _

___"Well ... it is your wedding." _

___"My set of handcuffs and large roomy car trunk say that you will be there. And you will not blow anything up. Come on, it's like hell freezing over ... who'd have thought I'd be getting married?" _

___"Certainly not half of the female staff here," Subaru commented. _

___"You __have to_ come Subaru." 

___"If obligations permit," was all the Sumeragi head would give him. _

___"Obligations? What obligations? You mean to your shrubbery? Tell it to give you the day off." _

___"Do __you_ want to be clan head?" 

___"Ooooo... hordes of onmyouji to do my bidding? The ability to summon up armies of evil minions? The amazing chick drawing powers of a shikifuku? Ooo Me! Me! Pick me!" _

___"You're forgetting the powerful air of mystery," Kamui added. _

___"Yes ... this is definitely a career change I can see happening. You over there, throw those worthless pieces of paper at him! And you, start chanting Bohemian Rhapsody! The power! The power! ... I can see why they're worried about this being in your hands Subby. Clearly you would abuse the ability to banish spirits with Queen's greatest hits." _

___The sound of yet another voice clearing her throat cut through the yard, and it was perhaps the only sound that could silence Daichi so quickly and reduce him to a polite, normal-- or reasonably so-- person. It was a woman's voice. And despite his crude and brassy nature, Daichi was really quite respectful in a woman's presence. He gave her a fond smile and a tiny wave. _

___"Daichi-san," she nodded in recognition. "Sumeragi-san, excuse me, but I'm here to take Shirou-san to dinner." _

___That earned appreciative looks from Daichi, "you stud." _

___Subaru coughed, "she here to see him to dinner." _

___"Actually I was talking about her. Escorting such a pretty young thing. I'm jealous."_

___"Tokyo?!?!? You can't be serious." _

___"I am," she said, calmly and casually. A voice of true authority that he had no right to question. "Subaru-san will be leaving upon the end of the week." _

___"Haruna-san, I understand the importance of Subaru learning to survive on his own and acquire the wisdom one can only gain through life experience. We all wish to see Naoki's son develop his considerable promise but ... **TOKYO**????" _

___"It is a large an important city, Tsubasa-gikei, he will need to be familiar with it when he assumes his position." _

___"There are many troubled cities in Japan ... perhaps Hiroshima for example--" _

___"No, it will be Tokyo." _

___He paused. "I amuse you have forgotten that Tokyo is the city of Sakurazukamori." _

___"I have not." _

___"Then you have surely forgotten that Subaru-kun is marked--" _

___"I most certainly have not," she corrected. _

___"Then you will accuse me when I say Haruna-san, that you are off your bloody rocker." _

___"There are many people in Tokyo, the Sakurazukamori and Subaru-san are only two of them." _

___"If we were talking about two ordinary people I might agree that the odds are in our favor, but--" _

___"He has his gloves." _

___She had to believe that. It was a thinly veiled assurance and she knew it, but she had to believe it. Crazy as it was to assume that a thin sheet of cloth could protect him, she had to convince them that she believed it. _

___Her brother-in-law seemed at a loss for words. And on some level she did not like having to arguing with him. He had always respected her, she had been a good wife to his brother, a mother to his nephew and a formidable onmyouji. It was only through his support that she succeeded in taking on the position of clan head-- if only because he was a less than decent onmyouji himself and had no desire to carry on in his brother's place. _

___When Subaru was born with an incredible power, she had been legitimized, her place as the clan head undisputed ... but that did not give her free rein. The position of clan head could be one of great power or a mere figurehead taken out for display, depending on her abilities. If he opposed her decision now... _

___"...I would rather he not go out on his own anywhere," he finally admitted. "Here we know for sure he'll be safe." _

___She frowned and pushed a lock of soft gray hair back into place. "We have a job to do, Subaru-san has a tradition to uphold. To protect Japan," __in more ways than his duties as a Sumeragi._ "There is a choice to be made, the Sakurazuka clan has been around for ages ... almost as long as ourselves. They are not just going to go away. _He_ is not just going to go away. The hunter will always be out there. Now, we can hide behind the estate walls here and let Japan fall to ruins, or we can do our job as the Sumeragi family." 

___He looked up slowly, "and damn the consequences?" _

___It pained her to know that was what it came down to. A risk that she had no right to take for her young grandson. "You know how important Tokyo is," she whispered. "To the world." _

___"Yes..." _

___"Then you know as well as I do that he will not fall to the Sakurazukamori." _

___"It is foolishness to rely on such things." _

___"Yes..." she agreed. "It is. But it will be good enough for the family. He is one of the Seven Seals and will serve the Kamui to protect humanity." _

___He was quiet for a long time. "I don't like it." _

___"I know." _

___"He trusts too easily." _

___"That's what makes him so strong." _

___"It may also be what kills him." _

___"Hokuto-san will be there with him." _

___"And she can protect him from the Sakurazukamori?" _

___"She has good instincts, and she loves her brother. If anyone suspicious threatens them, she will inform us here. He won't die ... destiny guarantees that." _

___"...I will tell the family then." _

___"Thank you Tsubasa-gikei." _

___Kamui looked up, "how old was he?" _

___"14 at the time." _

___He stared off through the room as it faded to black, faded out of existence. "Why did you really send him to Tokyo?" _

___She frowned and considered her answer for a moment before speaking-- her eyes not moving away from the scene that was slowly dimming away. "What do you suppose are qualities that a good leader should have?" _

___"Mmmm... courage, selflessness, wisdom, compassion ... and empathy." He smiled brightly and laughed, "all the qualities I don't have I guess." _

___She regarded him then, out of the corner of her eye with a pained and piteous gaze. The edges of her lips formed a softer polite smile before she nodded affirmatively. "I won't raise a clan head that will run with his tail between his legs everytime there's something to be done that will endanger him. Nor one that is ruled by fear of what might happen. Even if he were not marked, the Sakurazukamori might kill him as he did his father and his grandfather." _

___"So into the belly of the beast we go?"_


	4. Horror

My Love and I 

When they were little, Daichi Sumeragi used to see his little cousins quite often. His mother was from the early dawn of the Japanese feminist movement, she had great respect for Subaru's grandmother inspite of-- even because of-- the clan's avoidance.

_"I'm sorry for your loss." _

_Subaru looked up from his cigarette, straighten his back up against the rough white stone wall on habit. His legs drawn up, cream colored coat covering most of them-- the edges hanging lazily down his thighs. "Why?" he asked bitterly. "He was our enemy." _

_"Perhaps ... an enemy in many ways. And if he was alive things would be different certainly, but now that he's dead all that matters is that you loved him." Daichi tilted his head back to leaned against the wall himself, staring up at the cloud speckled sky. "Unlike you I prefer to sympathize with the living not the dead. You lost someone you loved, that's all that matters. In life he is the Sakurazukamori, the enemy of our clan, in death he is only a person you loved and he only matters at all because you're mourning him."_

When Subaru and Hokuto moved to Tokyo permanently he saw them maybe three times a year. Maybe he was sad about that, maybe he wasn't. But as the youngest of five children, if it did bother him in the beginning it was not for long.

_Subaru said nothing, his gaze fell slowly back to the low horizon. _

_"Isn't that right? The dead are gone, but they influence the living. There's no use obsessing over what was, once a person is dead their identity is stripped from them and the only thing that remains is the feelings of the living. And you loved him..." _

_"That's probably why you never became an onmyouji," Subaru noted quietly. His eyes had not left the dance of the grass swaying beneath them in the soft breeze. "The inability to sympathize with the dead." _

_He took out one of his own cigarettes. They were clove and when smoked were deep and rich, making curls of spicy smoke straight up to heaven. There was a break as Subaru lit it for him and thoughts were recollected. "Yeah ... maybe. Learn to turn a blind eye to the past Subaru, otherwise I fear for your sanity." _

_"I think it's too late for that."_

When Hokuto died, Subaru moved back to Tokyo. But it was almost as if he had moved even further away. He became rather antisocial and despite both living on the Sumeragi estate, they rarely if ever saw each other. Rarely if ever spoke.

_"... you've become the Sakurazukamori." It was not a question that reflected any sort of horror or shock, simply confirming what was the case. "What does Haruna-obasan say about it?" _

_"Nothing," Subaru murmured, inhaling deeply from his cigarette and flicking the ash contemptfully on the grass. "She just looks at me sadly and says nothing about it. I almost wish she would." _

_"Ahhh the trials of Job are not for you Subaru." _

_"Still..." _

_"What is she suppose to say? ... you're the only thing she has left you know." _

_Subaru said nothing, and that was about as much a confirmation as anything else. _

_"I assume you'll be staying here from now on." _

_"What makes you think that?" _

_Daichi sighed, a large puff of dark smoke fading around him. "It has a melodramatic irony that fits you." _

Subaru went back to Tokyo for five years in pursuit of the wild dark shadows that danced around his soul, and came back in a greater ruins then he imagined Tokyo was in. They spoke a little more frequently again, saw each other occassionally...

_For a long time the sun hung lazily in the air, neither setting nor raising, simply stretching its arms out on the sky and sighing contentedly. It was a beautiful day, early spring, the birds beginning to chatter soft choruses to each other, bright shades on blues and greens socializing under the leafy trees, and two men smoking up against one of the buildings at the furthest end of the compound. _

_"What do you think happens to people when they die?" Subaru mumbled to the grass. _

_"You're asking __me_???" Daichi laughed. "What did you skip that chapter in Onmyoujitsu 101?" 

_"I know the answer the Sumeragi clan teaches, I even know answers from all over the world. I'd like to know what you think." _

_"Why? What does it matter?" _

_"Because ... there's no point in hoping for some nice after life where everyone is happy just to make yourself feel better." Subaru's eyes shifted half closed, heavy lashes brushing against his cheek for a brief moment. _

_"You know the Laguna of North America have this thing ... whenever they kill a deer they leave offerings to the deer's spirit to thank it for dying. The deer has a spirit, a soul like a living person ... but they have to kill it to feed themselves. So they thank the deer, say 'hey I gots no choice, no hard feelings right?' so the deer spirit will be pacified and not suffer or turn vengeful, but return to bless them again. _

_"By doing so they maintain balance and peace between people and the environment. Because all things have to die but they don't have to suffer." _

_Subaru looked up. "Where'd you hear that?" _

_"Family library when I was young." He waved his cigarette with a grin. "Once you left for Tokyo I spent a lot of time reading there while mom was seeing Haruna-obasan. I don't know why out of all the number of things I could have remembered, I remembered that. But who knows, it could work." _

_"I tried that once already as a child, and that's what got me into this mess in the first place." _

_"Yes, but that was then. You're bigger, stronger ... and who's to stop you?" _

_When Subaru didn't answer, he didn't bother pushing the matter further. "You know why trees can live for thousands of years and animals cannot? Why animals need to kill and feed off of other living things and trees do not?" _

_"No." _

_"Me neither" he laughed. "...All right then,"-- reaching down to ruffle Subaru's hair as if he had when they were children. "As long as you remember that I am the reigning bad ass of this family..." _

_For a second Subaru stared dumbly at him, blinking stupidly. Then like the true master of illusion he had become, he gave Daichi soft half smile and nodded. "Hai." _

In Kamui's mind it had been only a few days since he killed Fuuma. He had expected the nightmares to come, the dull purr of things forgotten could not shield his mind forever. The shock of being scooped up from his place could only protect him for so long. He could not pretend that it had all hadn't really happened. He couldn't build barricades just because he couldn't see the proof that the Promise Day had once come to him.

The shock had warded off the guilt for a time at least. But it infected him once he became accustomed to living on the Sumeragi estate, starting with a deep knot in his stomach and swelling until he couldn't close his eyes without seeing images the were a decade old.

To everyone else of course... to Kamui they were brand new, vivid and clear...

_What kind of person kills his bestfriend? _

_What kind of person destroys everything... _

_Everything they touch. _

_Tokyo Tower glowed with soft yellow colored light, the beams were a fitting shade of deep red. When it rained drops tickled and splattered looking almost like blood. Kamui had heard it had rained when the Christ was killed ... he didn't know what to make of this. _

_The sky had been overcast that day, it seemed ominous. _

_But it had not rained that day ... at least not to his memory. _

_And there was Fuuma, leaning up against a beam of the Tower like he had always belonged there, like he was communing with the tower itself, like he was a piece of the tower... _

_What kind of person..._

Kamui did not resort to the obvious defense. He did not think the words that would have freed his heart from all the pain he had endured. The words that would have made his burden of fate much lighter... But to do so would mean he would have to give up his friend and abandon Fuuma to the hands of cruel fate.

He did not think it, he would not allow him too. If anything it was his fault. All his fault for existing in the first place.

_Fuuma... _

_What kind of person am I?_

Subaru had been special.

He had loved Subaru, yes, but it was different ... much different. It was special. His love for Subaru's was not a burden on his heart, nor on Subaru. It made him lighter, made the pain more bearable, made the nights easier, made him able to confuse himself enough to be happy-- just a little. He had loved others in his life and lost them-- his mother, Kotori, Fuuma...-- and his love for them had weighted down his heart and almost drowned him.

But love with Subaru made him light. It lifted him out of the waters of his misery. It warmed and healed and made Kamui feel good about who he was for once.

_Five days ago I kill my best friend... _

_Five days ago, I was 16... _

_Five days ago the storms came to my eyes, but no rain fell from the heavy sky. And I wished it would rain because then I would have an excuse to cry. To know that after all... _

_After all..._

And when he lost Subaru, it did not drag him down ... because love for Subaru was light and gentle like air. He missed it of course, he missed him, but he did not suffer when it was gone. Love for Subaru never betrayed him as the man had, it never tried to weigh him down rather than lifting him up.

And some people would say that this isn't love at all. That if losing Subaru had not broken his heart, not made him feel pain, then clearly he had never loved Subaru at all.

But Kamui did. Because Subaru's love was special. It was not a love of a man, but a love of what that man gave ... kindness, tenderness, understanding, protection... And when the man was gone the feelings were still there.

Someone had understood

Someone had cared.

Someone had let him cry without shame, let him laugh without guilt, and let him abandon without obligations.

He had left Subaru just as much as Subaru had left him. Because when Subaru left he could no longer give what Kamui was in love with. Kamui got over it.

And some people would say that's not love, Kamui thought that it was beautiful no matter what it was. Because loving someone shouldn't hurt, it should make you happy and never make you suffer. But he knew enough from loving that ... that was idealism. Love could be the most painful thing in the world.

But love for Subaru was special, it didn't work that way. Though people would criticize to and say that he never loved Subaru, that he was foolish and selfish ... he couldn't imagine how anyone would argue that a love that kills you inside is somehow better than a love that raises you up...

and lets you go.

It was a mutual thing, Subaru took what he needed from Kamui just as much as Kamui took from him.

But now, loving Subaru was slowly killing him, because he needed the man as well as the love and couldn't have either. He could have died in peace at any moment now. If he were struck dead right on the ground he stood at this very moment, he would have no disppointment in dying so young.

Except ... this very soft wonder about Subaru's feelings. He had thought that Subaru cared nothing for him after all, but if that were true ... would he be here?

All Subaru wanted was to send him away.

_What sort of person kills their bestfriend?_

He was just being considerate and waiting until Kamui was well enough to live on his own.

_If you were a stronger person you would have found away to bring him back without... to talk him out of it..._

And Kamui had no one left...

_You let him die for you, because you wanted to live..._

No one at all...

_You let her die for you too... If it was to happen again, you'd probably let Subaru die in your place wouldn't you?_

No ... he would never.

_You want to live so badly, nothing else matters._

No ... never ... never ... never.

_liar_

"He had been so excited then, he had just finished his training as an onmyouji and wanted to come to Tokyo. He had never been to Tokyo before, to him it was a brilliant city. I of course thought it was a good idea, he would become the 13th head so early--"

"Why?" Kamui asked.

"Why what?"

"Does a new clan head usually succeed at 15?"

She thought about this question for a longer time than was needed just to answer it. Her eyes were sad and carried almost ... shame. It was such a strange thing to see on the face of the woman. Kamui seemed to know that it was a death filled with regret that painted that look. After all, it had at one point been his own, and perhaps would be again soon.

"No..." she admitted. "It was quiet unorthodox."

"Then why?"

"It wasn't my choice to train him so early, I thought he should have a normal life ... perhaps that's a part of the reason I sent him to Tokyo again. But one can only win so many fights with the inner structure of the clan. And they were eager and greedy. The world was different then, as I'm sure you know. Things were changing.

"And when things change, those holding power get nervous. And the Sumeragi clan, as we are responsible for helping to secure those in power, bears the stress of it along with ... _others_ ..."

"Like Hinoto-san?"

She frowned, deep and filled with as much malice as an old heart could possibly carry. "Yes, exactly. Pressure makes people impatient. So he was trained way too early, to replace me. Although perhaps it was the wisest course after all, since by the time he assumed the title I had lost use of my legs." Lady Sumeragi looked down at him then, meeting his stare evenly. It was hard from years and years of being strong and it made him as nervous now as it had when he first saw her.

But it was a kind sort of sternness ... and awkward in that way. It wasn't arrogant or cruel or repressed.

The blackness rustled around them, and was chipped away slowly by a scene of color moving upon them ... filling everything quickly so they were trapped in a moment that had long ago become the past. Despite the rather unnerving nature of such experiences Kamui had long gotten used to being pulled into and consumed by the past in such a manner. The world would start off as the barest hints of color and shape in the blackness, then before it could be stopped it would be all around him.

The past looked very much like standing in the present would. Except he could only watch as memories played out, actors unaware of his presence as they spun out hopelessly a course that had already been determined. Because it had already happened long ago.

"I thought it was a good idea to take him to Tokyo with me. He would be the clan head one day too soon, it was probably for the best that he see the kind of responsibilities that he would have early on."

Kamui recognized this place. They were standing in the middle of the Diet building. A long elegant hallway stretched out in front of them, snuggled away from the tourist friendly areas of the Diet, where officials both elected and otherwise roamed about in privacy.

An older woman and an eight year old child were coming down the hallway. The child was conversing happily about something Kamui couldn't quite discern, the woman smiling and nodding, occasionally making a comment or two to the child's eager questions. Both wore beautiful white robes with deep royal blue trim.

"Obaachan I've never seen an office that big!" the boy chirped. "And the chairs were so soft!!"

"Aa, he's a very important man Subaru-san," she smiled lightly. "When you're clan head, you'll get to meet many important people."

"Will they all have offices like that?"

"They may ... some may have even bigger ones."

They walked out of the Diet and out onto the streets of Tokyo, Kamui followed not because he wanted to but because the world moved about as if he were walking after them without him taking a single step.

The day was bright and brilliant. Clear blue skies were a growing rarity in Tokyo, and that day had been unusual in this way ... or perhaps that was just the memory of it ... everything was sharp and clear, colors as vivid as watercolor paintings. They walked carefully down the stone steps-- she cautious with age, him with awe. Subaru walked with his eyes running up the building fronts, basking in the wonderment of this metal canyon called Tokyo. Everything was romantic and every building was declared the tallest one he had ever seen.

"Sumeragi-sama!!"

They stopped half way down the steps, she turned-- obedient white hair sliding off her shoulder-- as a clerk came running after them.

Had she forgotten something? No ... this man did not work for their client. She did not recognize him specifically, but then clerks and interns came and went in the Diet system like fragile butterflies.

They waited for him to catch up.

"Princess Hinoto wanted a quick word with you before you left."

"Princess Hinoto?"

"If it wouldn't be a problem, it just a small matter. You could spare a few minutes."

Subaru eyes were curious, his smiled brightly as she bent down to his level. "Subaru-san, I'll be right back ... you can wait right here for a moment neh?"

He nodded enthusiastically, wanting desperately to show her that he too was responsible and trustworthy. "Hai Obaachan."

She smiled not quiet as merrily as he did. Time had taught her more simple, reserved smiles. "Now wait right there, don't wander off. I'll be right back."

Kamui watched as the world shifted back into the Diet building, down the long hallways, down into the depths of the basement where Japan's best kept secret was waiting.

Lady Sumeragi

Kamui had never been able to determine Hinoto's exact age for sure. He had assumed that she could not possibly _that_ old since her sister was still young herself. But then, she could not be nearly as young as she appeared to be either, if she had advised in the design of Clamp Campus. It was a riddle that he had not amused himself very often, more pressing conflicts always on his mind by the time he had met Princess Hinoto. However, now that his thoughts were not weight by so much angst he found it extremely odd that she should appear as she did.

She seemed only a bit younger than Kamui remembered her to be, which made little sense since this was a significant amount of time in the past. It was said she didn't show her true age, but this was ridiculous.

Thank you for coming

The small matter turned out to be about the coming of the end of the world. Only Hinoto would consider this a small matter that could be discussed in spare minutes.

Kamui fiddled idly with wooden shade hanging from the little box where Hinoto was put on display. Even now he wondered how much of what had happened to them was "destiny" and how much her manipulation. Even now he wonder what her true dreams had shown her.

Lady Sumeragi began to leave after much agreeable conversation, probably about the Sumeragi family spreading the word about destiny's approach ... Kamui hadn't really been listening much.

Lady Sumeragi

She turned only slightly, she was eager to get back. Subaru was only 8 and despite being very honest and having good instincts about him, he was also very trusting. Far too trusting. "Yes?"

Your Grandson ... is he well?

"Yes, he's very energetic lately," she smiled politely, perhaps sensing that it was a rather odd question to ask under the circumstances. Perhaps because she had _two_ grandchildren.

Oh that's good. I won't keep you any longer she bowed her head. Thank you for your time.

"A dreamgazer is a rather wretched existence,"

Suddenly beside him again, the world fading to black once more, her voice startled him out of his thoughts. "I suppose so. Even when we knew for sure, I couldn't really hate her for what she did."

"A dreamgazer doesn't see how something happens, just that it does. And they are foolish to believe that they are not influencing the future just by being dreamgazers. A dreamgazer can't see what's really important when it comes to destiny, so they always live in doubt ... can the future be changed? Or do the visions they see already factor in what they will inevitably do to try to change the future?"

"Don't you feel sorry for her though?"

"No, not at all. It's horrible that she was enslaved here. But dreamgazing is a personal art, serves her right for trying to make it a public concern."

"Don't push your silly future on me you crippled bint," Kamui almost laughed. He turned to ask her something, only to find that he was once again outside the Diet building.

"Subaru-san?"

He spotted her again on the steps of the Diet, not far from where he was, her young Grandson was nowhere to be seen.

"Figures," Kamui sighed.

She looked around quickly, deep seated panic settling coldly in her veins. She hadn't been gone long at all. And Subaru was no ordinary child, he could defend himself from most people who would have liked to prey on such a young pretty child.

Most people...

He was not far though, standing under the shade of a large sakura tree that she had not remembered being there before. It was of no concern though, there were sakura all over Tokyo, all in full bloom in the warm spring air. And it had to be rough standing in the uncannily hot air of late spring under all those robes.

"Subaru-san," she was overjoyed. There he was, unharmed. Looking a little sullen, but he was probably just tired. She allowed herself to let her quiet reserve and composure slip with relief and embraced him, something she rarely did.

Only then did she notice there were drops of blood on his shikifuku.

Fragile pink petals floated by, coupled with ones of deeper, richer, stains. They danced tauntingly in the air, although she hardly noticed them as Subaru held up his hands almost in trance.

The sakura blew away like so many spring petals, leaving nothing but the empty lot where it had never stood in the first place.

"No..."

By early October, Kamui was learning to walk again. It was not a fun experience, but for the first time he was thankful Shigure had convinced him to work on his upperbody strength. After a few steps, Kamui was leaning heavily on the railings. Somehow he didn't remember this being so hard the first time he'd learned it.

"That's excellent," his therapist commended, not insulting or demeaningly cheerful. More of an honest optimism that didn't overstate his accomplishment. "And if you stop pushing yourself so hard, it will come easier and faster."

"Easy for you to say Mr Walkie-walkie."

The ancient wheelchair had not been put into retirement just yet, he could stand up now and walk. But a few steps tired him out quickly, and Shigure had encouraged him not to push himself by trying to walk outside of therapy. Soon, he assured Kamui, it would be okay for him to use the wheelchair at his own digression. Soon but not yet.

And he thought, that was okay ... he had made quite a nuisance of himself, wheeling around the compound...

Getting stuck on the grass...

Having to scream until someone came to help him out...

It was very amusing. And if it his mind was not so determined to lock itself into a web of guilt and horror, he might have made use of the sport of obnoxious, embittered patient. But...

Even being a brat could not keep him distracted for very long.

_Could it really all be in the past now? Could it really all be buried under 9 years of history?_

He could not bare to look at himself anymore. Not with seeing his mother and all those who died for him ... perhaps even because of him. What would they think if they saw him now? What would they think as they were watching down from above?

_Could not escape their eyes... _

_Could not escape the guilt... _

_They had died for what? _

_A person such as him, what made him worth dying for? _

_What made him worth anything? _

_That he should lose them?_

"What am I doing here?" Kamui murmured.

Shigure looked momentarily confused, "learning to walk, Shirou-san."

"No ... that's not what I meant."

"If you're suffering from post traumatic depression, it perfectly normal Shirou-san."

"I'm just wondering where my place is now..."

_Too many lives sacrificed for something futile. Born with no future beyond what was immediate _

_You wouldn't understand... _

_I didn't live a normal life. _

_I didn't get to have that. I never had a hope of what my future outside of the Promise Day might be. Everyone else had plans, people they wanted to become, families they hoped to have, things they wanted to own, titles they wanted to earn. I had nothing. Nothing accept the dumb instinct to run away from it all. _

_But to where...? _

_To whom...? _

_Nothing. I was born for a reason, and now that reason is dead and gone. _

_So ... why aren't I?_

"I want you to kill me."

Kamui said it with fierce conviction, purple eyes blazing like dark black orbs and face frozen coldly in his demand. He had Subaru's hand pressed into his chest, his heart beating calmly below his breast bone, lips drawn in a tight frown.

Subaru laughed, he wondered how long Kamui had been rehearsing that.

Kamui blinked in surprise but did not falter, nor did he let go of Subaru's hand. "I'm serious."

"I know," Subaru smiled. "What changed your mind? I thought you wanted to get out of here as soon as possible."

"Does it matter?"

He was getting defensive already Subaru noted ... Interesting.

"Curious," Subaru shrugged.

"Well don't be, my life is worthless ... and it's only now that I realize I have no where to go, no where that I want to be, and nothing to do with myself."

"So you'll just throw your life away then?"

"Does it matter?" Kamui repeated. Subaru was not stupid, he knew what Kamui wanted ... after all it was essentially Subaru's wish thrown back at him. To be killed by the one you love. A love linked to hope and to the delusions of that hope ... that maybe kindness meant love in return. To know once and for all that the person you loved did not love you in return and to resign yourself to die in peace having the answer.

A wish for closure, that the mind may not keep wondering and never know for sure.

He had invented this desire, of course he understood it. It was true Kamui had nothing, and it appeared it was also true that the only thing grounding him in this world was one very cruel uncertainty.

Subaru seemed to consider Kamui's request for a moment before slipping his hand out of Kamui's hold and flippantly replying, "No thanks."

It was a deliberately cruel thing to do, a rejection ... but yet one that might carry implications with it. And to leave Kamui to wonder that for the rest of his life. Whether Subaru didn't kill him because he didn't care, or because he did.

It was Subaru's way of punishing him for trying to appeal to a bitter sympathy he had rooted in the past and left behind him. Kamui should have known better than that.

He heard Kamui sag and fall to his knees with an unceremonious thup and when he looked over his shoulder curiously and found a tearless Kamui, staring down at the floor. "Why?" Kamui asked, his voice cracked and weak. "Why not? I don't mean anything to you ... why won't you just admit that?"

Subaru didn't want to kill Kamui, if for no reason than he _had_ no reason to. And what was the point in senseless killing? The Sakura consumed everything from his kill, mind, body, spirit ... nothing was wasted. But the Sakura was not here, and even if she were she was sated and content. What reason would he have to kill?

"Being apathetic to murder doesn't mean you just go around doing it."

He intended to walk away, and just leave it at that. But Kamui had been unrulingly stubborn once, and perhaps he was still. He stopped himself midstride and added, "There's nothing I can do to dispel something you want to believe."

Kamui looked up, eyes a naked bright violet again, hurt and trembling as his hands made fists from fingers and his breath came out hopeless and lost. "It's the only thing I have left to believe, I don't like it anymore than you do. The Promise Day gave me answers to everything but this ... this is the only question I have left to believe in. So show me it's true and let me go."

Yes, his mind had been preserved after all these years. The coma had not changed his personality or bent his spirit in the slightest. It was if he had merely fallen asleep and been shipped 9 years into the future. He was stubborn, heartbreak would not even slow him from pursuing whatever he foolishly _thought_ he desired. In anyone else this might have been a successfully quality, if not the tadest bit rash. But in Kamui it was anything but.

Viciously self destructive.

He wouldn't stop. He wouldn't give up. Not until he had earned what he thought he wanted without every realizing why he would want such a thing.

Subaru turned around and walked toward Kamui until he could kneel in front of him. "Okay ... let's make a deal."

He was cruel, voice soft and tender-- a hint at loving-- in contrast to what he was agreeing to. Death would be delivered with love, life delivered with contempt ... Kamui would not get the closure he wanted.

"A deal?"

Wide eyed and innocent, perhaps typical of a mind much younger than its body. A mind that was still 16 and had not realized that it was not supposed to be by now.

"Yes, if your life is so worthless you would rather throw it away ... then give it to me."

... confusion... Kamui fell back onto his calves and stared blankly at Subaru. "Wha-- I don't understand."

"6 months," Subaru answered.

"6 months," Kamui repeated.

"You live as I wish you to for 6 months, at the end of that time I will kill you."

He stared, he stared for a long, long, time. Into the deep clear depths-- part green, part gold-- of the eyes looking back at him with perfect sincerity. Gently, softly, but absolutely serious. He didn't know what to say, he didn't even know what to think ... Of all the things he was expecting might happen when he comforted Subaru ... this was not one of them.

Subaru would kill him.

Subaru would definitely kill him.

But before he did he had to live six months.

Just six months more.

"Does... Does that mean I have to do whatever you tell me to?"

"Yes," Subaru replied evenly. "But this shouldn't be a problem since your life has no meaning to you anyway."

"What will you ask me to do?" Kamui seemed about as innocent as one could possibly get, the facade had melted off him and left nothing but this lost child on the floor.

"I don't know, I haven't really thought about it."

"Would you--" his voice got quiet, timid, almost frightened. In fact he looked frightened, and Subaru wondered whether Kamui was really scared of him or the idea of being at his mercy. "Would you make me kill people?"

The question surprised Subaru so much he laughed, despite he knowing that laughing was probably not the best response. "I hardly think that's very practical."

"That's a 'no'?"

"That's a 'I don't imagine so'."

"Oh..."

"What's the matter Kamui? You said so yourself, your life is worthless. If you truly believe that ... prove it. You may consider yourself dead already if you want to. That's what you're telling me you want isn't it? No wants and desires of your own, no hopes, no feelings, no responsibilities, no decisions to make, nothing to wonder about. That is what you want?"

Kamui looked back at the floor and nodded silently.

"Then let your heart die today and be mine."

He looked up with sad doe eyes and Subaru suppressed that urge to laugh once again.

"Now don't get melodramatic on me Kamui."

And then it was agreed. Six months' time, and he had an appointment with death.

Subaru rose and walked over to the small dresser that sat in Kamui's room, over the years the spare rooms in the Sumeragi main house had been used as storage. They didn't have many guests anymore, not nearly as many as when his Grandfather had been alive ... but then that had been before he had been born. The dresser and part of the closet in Kamui's room were filled with odds and ends, both spiritual and secular.

He found something that would do nicely. It wasn't what he had been looking for, but it might be even better.

"In 6 months you'll kill me..." Kamui breathed. "Why? Why not now?"

He wiped a little dust from the bottle and squinted at the label. Yes ... this would work just fine.

"Because, I hate wasting things. And contrary to your belief you are a perfectly good human being, there must be some use for you. If you wanted to die you shouldn't have woken up in the first place."

He dipped his finger lightly in the oil and took Kamui's arm by the wrist, moving to mark it. He paused, and decided against this, turning Kamui's hand so that the palm was face up ... as to avoid making the situation too ironic. He traced a symbol out on the flesh.

It was not a star.

"What are you doing?"

Then he did the same on the other palm.

"I'm killing you."

"But I thought..."

"Symbolically Kamui ... symbolically."

"Oh.."

And on his forehead lightly with oil. It was not the same as burning it in or doing it in blood as it had been done for him ... but it served its purpose.

"There, you're dead."

"...I don't feel any different, are you sure it worked?"

"I told you, symbolically. It seals our agreement and nothing more."

"Oh..."

"Were you expecting something else?"

"I thought you might turn me into a mindless zombie or something."

"...you watch too much TV Kamui."

There was a soft moment a silence, where Kamui stared blankly at Subaru ... as if expecting something. As if waiting for something...

"Well?" he asked.

Abruptly Subaru realized what he was getting at. "Oh right," he chuckled. "Well let's see..." His eyes scanned the room for a moment, landing upon a broom shoved into the corner and long forgotten. He picked it up and handed it to Kamui. "Go sweep the practice room."

Kamui blinked, "What?"

"You heard me."

He frowned, "I thought that when you said I'd have to do what you told me to ... you meant something important."

Subaru shrugged as he left, "this is important, the practice room is a mess."

Kamui stared down dumbly at the broom in his hands. Wondering softly what he had gotten himself into.


	5. Eustress

My Love and I 

"If one kamui is sealed in this place, the other will likewise be sealed."

When he dreams it is rarely of good things. His dreams are almost always as twisted as reality, occasionally more twisted. Clouded in a mix of false memories and gothic imagery, they very rarely make sense, or at least they very rarely make sense to him. Perhaps to other people that know better than him the answers in his dreams are obvious.

The words were a memory, perverted-- as dreams are likely to do-- in such a way that it was not what had been said at the time, but rather an updated and perhaps more accurate version. Perhaps not.

"Imonoyama-san?" Kamui was asked.

The man with golden hair and a noble personality had always treated him kindly. He was the messenger in the beginning, the sponsor most of the time. Although Kamui really doubted destiny had worked something so bureaucratic as corporate sponsorship into the equation, Nokoru Imonoyama did seem heaven sent at times.

"The seal has been cracked ... not broken, but cracked."

Kamui could not help himself, he sighed and nearly hit his forehead, "Oh damn, we're not going to have another apocalypse are we?"

Nokoru Imonoyama looked at him as if he had said the most absurd thing. "No, of course not, don't be ridiculous."

"Hey I'm not the one who rearranged CLAMP campus so it was all Feng Shui, because some knocked up wacko teenager said to. Don't tell _me_ I'm ridiculous."

"Neither am I," the older man pointed out. "And to be frank, you're mother wasn't just any knocked up teenager--"

"I know, I know, a pregnant Magami must be like a swarm of locusts."

"To put it lightly yes. Rearranging CLAMP campus was one of the more responsible things your mother requested."

"So what's this dream about anyway?"

"You tell me," the older man shrugged. This entire personality was quite uncharacteristic for him ... but then, this was a dream.

"Well," Kamui mused. "Clearly this dream reflects my feelings of guilt about the Promised Day. 'Sealing the kamui' is obviously a metaphor relating to those feelings of guilt about my perceived crime and wanting to be locked away. You're here because of that connection."

"You've got it all figured out huh?"

The sky was beige with a cream colored horizon, the landscape barren and gray. Kamui's bare foot pushed a small rock around on the soil on which he stood. Dreams were funny things... to have bare feet on sandy ground and not feel the grit or dirt.

"You should become a psychiatrist Shirou-kun," Nokoru smiled brightly, tilting his head a little to the side.

"Psych majors are all fucked up though.."

"You'll fit in well then."

Kamui laughed and kicked the rock a few feet away. "Yeah probably..."

"So what does that mean?" Nokoru pointed innocently across the landscape to a figure twirling and wandering around aimlessly. Kamui blinked, when had that gotten here? Given that the figure was singing rather loudly, he didn't imagine he had simply overlooked it.

Oh well such were the way of dreams...

It was Subaru-- this did not surprise Kamui-- drank off the fiber of the dream, mumbling words that were too soft to make out for certain. A few soft steps put Kamui right behind the delirious Sumeragi, a small frown on his face as Subaru smiled brightly at him. He did not enjoy having his dreams violated by something that could sincerely affect him. Strange images of the past were fine. Visitations from people he had failed he could deal with. But Subaru was another matter ... he never liked Subaru's presence in his dreams, it always managed to mislead him somehow.

Might as well play along, "Hey Subaru, what'cha doing?"

"I never jumped in and rescued you, but I wanted to. I never told you which way to go. Cause I thought you'd know..."

He was still singing. Kamui didn't recognize the song, but he was somewhat amused that Dream-Subaru couldn't seem to remember all the words.

"I never told you I told you so, But I told you so. Have to let it go. Time to let it go. Now I can't believe it took so long to leave. Perhaps one day I'll grieve or I never will. I never told you I agreed with you. I don't think I do. I wasn't sure quite what the whole thing meant, but I'm glad you went. I never thought that it could be painless. But it is, I guess. I had myself fooled into needing you. Did I fool you too?"

"Yes, a little more than I would like to admit, particularly to a dream." Kamui responded irritably. He wondered if there was some dreamgazer with a strange sense of humor roaming free in Kyoto.

"I never mentioned how I prayed for you, now I pay for you. I never said that I would wait for you. It's too late for you. It's time to let it go. Or I never will."

"Well I can honestly say I've never dumped in a dream before, once again you've claim another first from me Subaru."

He had intended to walk away, knowing it was futile to try to escape a dream before the dream was done with you.

"Put to sleep ... one last sleep ... the final sleep ... sleep of no escape ... with the fishes... We were looking for ourselves, found each other ... we were never making love, we were never making love..."

Subaru had backed Kamui into an uncomfortable closeness, and somehow the air made an invisible wall that Kamui could only pray to melt into. He gulped although he did not know why, he wasn't afraid of Subaru. "Ummm... okay, you keep up on that..."

"Garden of silence, garden of sleep. The City of the Eternal Rest opens it's gates and raises at the sound of its alarm clock. It was a dirt nap, but it was a good nap Kamui ... and now it calls to you, sleepy eyed and yawning , feet shuffling lazily as it looks for you. Can you hear it Kamui?"

"...yes." It was not an answer he gave consciously. Simply an unthinking moment of honesty that comes with dreams.

"Will you go to it?"

"I ... I don't know what it is!"

Subaru shook his head very matter-of-factly and poked Kamui in the chest. "The harvest has come and gone, the god journeys down into the dark land of sleep. But now it's spring again."

"Spring?" Kamui frowned. "It's the middle of Fall Subaru. It won't be spring for another--"

He could not help that soft gasp as Subaru touched his cheek, an amused smile playing on the onmyouji's lips. "This is your resting place, it was and it will be a little longer. The stone orchard ... and it makes sense that it should be this place. This, the home of the greatest Onmyoujis in the world."

"I don't understand."

Subaru glanced down at him for a moment, his hair stretched out in the breeze as black as fine ink, posture confident and tall as the sun fought through the dusk with one final breath of brilliant color. He smiled, not cheerfully or tenderly as he had before, but a simple smile. As if he was only paying attention to half of what Kamui was saying. "But you will," he assured. "It's not dawn yet, not time to think about any of these things. Night is a time to rest. And for now it is your winter's night. There are not a lot more of them left Kamui. Rest well..."

Ideally, given the terms of their deal, Kamui should have become devoid of any free will at all. He certainly shouldn't argue or act on his own at all. He should have listened to what he was told, not talk back or complain or challenge what he was ordered to do. Ideally ... this was the way things _should have_ been...

But that was scarcely any fun.

Subaru could have pointed this out whenever Kamui choose to talk back, argue the point with him, complain or insist. But he never did. Mostly because he really didn't have the patience to argue about it in the first place. Arguing with Kamui-- particularly when he was in a foul mood-- was always an exhausting ordeal and one that Subaru had become fond of avoiding. So he would let Kamui follow along the bare bones of their agreement and not get too technical about it.

He did not care to kill Kamui, any excuse not to do it would have suited him just fine. But he knew that if he accused Kamui of not holding up his half of the bargain now for silly things like complaining about having to perform some ridiculously drab task, it would only serve to cement Kamui's resolve in his death wish. And he would become even more stubborn and obnoxious. Subaru would likely never get any peace at all.

Kamui was the only person he knew that was so passionate about being murdered. But then for all purposes he was still 16, still so young and immature to the ways of the world. He had something to prove, and come hell or high water he was going to prove it.

"This is insane..." Subaru muttered. And it was.

Still he remembered how flighty 16 year olds could be. He knew that Kamui's commitment to his death was only as good as the void that had become his life. If Kamui found something as small as an amusement, all thoughts of dying would run from his head as if they had never been conceived in the first place.

And that was the only hope he could allow himself. That if he stalled long enough, Kamui would change his mind.

Of course Kamui could just as easily kill himself. But this was none of Subaru's concern. People died all the time, he didn't really care if Kamui died ... he just didn't want to be the one to kill him.

On the days when Kamui was feeling especially vindictive he followed their deal to an absurd degree, not moving unless Subaru told him to. Then on others he wandered about on his own, finding things to do with himself around the vast Sumeragi estate. His moods were even more unpredictable than Subaru thought them to be. Sometimes he beamed up at Subaru like Subaru was the most wonderful thing in the world. Sometimes he wouldn't let Subaru get near him, keeping the maximum amount of personal space between them.

Something was obviously up ... but he couldn't figure out what was effecting Kamui's moods so dramatically. Sometimes it seemed like Kamui was trying to force him to admit something. Sometimes it seemed like Kamui didn't even know what he wanted Subaru to think.

Maybe he had just gone insane. That would go a long way to explain why he seemed so lively, yet so committed to his death at Subaru's hand. Maybe it was one of those unexplainable Kamui things. Maybe he was holding on to the delusion that Subaru would sweep him off his feet and carry him off into the sunset.

There was a polite and deliberate rustled in the bushes by his side. He was not surprised to find Maiko there, waiting patiently for him to finish his thoughts and address her. She had not been looking well lately, sudden waves of nausea and dizziness claiming her without warning. But if she was not concerned by it, he saw no reason to step in just yet.

"Maiko-san," he greeted. "How's Kamui doing?"

"Walking a bit more, Yukirou-san says he'll be able to retire the wheel chair in a month or so."

"Behaving?"

"Most of the time," she smiled. "Lately he just seems troubled."

"By what?" he asked, although Kamui had enough options to by troubled about.

"I'm not really sure, but if I was to venture a guess I'd say he seems to be dredging something."

Well that was promising, Subaru thought hopefully. Maybe they could settle this 'kill me Subaru' nonsense without wasting the full term on it.

"But there's something else," she admitted hesitantly.

"Oh?"

"I need this to stay in confidence Sumeragi-san. If he were to find out it would break his heart."

Her eyes were amusingly stern, he found it a very odd look for her. She was always such a patient, easy-going servant. A quiet presence that could slip in and out of rooms without disturbing a thing. Part of the reason he asked her to look after Kamui, the boy was so wearily of strangers ... her soft presence would probably make him more comfortable.

And when she told him, he admitted the possibility had never even occurred to him. It was rare that something so common in his life should surprise him so much, but he was surprised, "how long?"

"About three months I think."

"Do you want me to take care of it?"

"With all do respects Sumeragi-san, this is family--"

He nodded quietly, "yes I suppose you're right, that wouldn't be appropriate. But you're sure?"

"Yes."

Kamui lied on his bed, staring at his hand dumbly, wondering what the hell he had gotten into. He did not regret the decision, he didn't regret his death wish. He would welcome death as much now as before. But...

He knew now that his death would be the most painful experience of his life. He knew that he would suffer in death because it seemed unlikely that Subaru would give him a straight answer even in killing him.

Yes or no...

Do you care for me Sumeragi Subaru?

And now he felt horribly embarrassed to boot. Subaru knew. He had seen Maiko tell him. What did he think of Kamui now? Would he ever be able to see Kamui's true intentions, or would he always think that Kamui was just trying to force him to be the Subaru he had created in his mind? "When he looks at me now all he'll see is an arrogant, presumptuous brat who thinks he can 'save' him. How could I possibly tell him that's not true in a way he'll believe? How can I say I learned my lesson the first time, I didn't ask for your Grandmother to haunt me."

It seemed hopeless. If Subaru had any ounce of respect for him before, he certainly didn't now.

He liked Subaru, he didn't want Subaru to see all the ugliness of past mistakes. Yes, he had tried to make Fuuma someone he wasn't. He had refused the see the kamui's true intentions until it was too late. He had been too ashamed and too guilty to admit the truth fully.

But this was different ... surely Subaru saw that?

_Kamui had felt guilty about them for weeks, Normally his dreams were cleansing. Horrific, bloody, terrifying ... he woke from them with a strange feeling of release. Suffering brings the guilty heart relief, and though it was torment ... the horror was better than the guilt. _

_He had not dreamed like that in a while, he had dreamed of something much worse. The safety of feathers and blood had escaped him, leaving him with dreams of warmth and pleasure. And worse yet, the finest edges of a fantasy that did not involve Fuuma being freed from Fate's clutches. _

_It felt so wrong to want. He didn't have the right to want anything, he had taken so much from everyone else. Even if he never intended to take, even if he didn't want to rip so much from the heart's of people he cared about ... he knew he was responsible for all their loss. _

_And to want on top of that. That was unforgivable. _

_At first he had been able to stop the dreams when his own selfish hunger shocked him enough. Until sleep had decided to hold him down with a choking net of blackness. The more he fought the thick unconscious the more intense the pleasure became. He woke up sated and warm. Alone but with skin tingling where a pretend lover had been holding him gently. _

_And felt horrible about every minute of it. How could he? How could he be so selfish and presumptuous? Did he really have any right to want when God had given him so much freely? Super powers, the authority of God, importance, he was hero ... what everyone fantasizes about. Yet he didn't want it? He would throw back the gifts of God or pass them to another like the ungrateful spoiled brat he was. _

_Desire is not a virtue. _

_Then he finally did it. He broke through the net. Ripped through the weak spot in the webbing and was thrown violently into consciousness with a gasp. Even as his eyes opened with a quick snap, pleasure flooded his senses and he did what came naturally by arching up into it. He hadn't expected that, it felt so **real**_

_In the few seconds it took him to get his senses in order he realized something rather disturbing. _

_It was real. He could feel the stiff body beside him, the warm undeniable presence of a hand between his legs. Kamui could taste the panic from his companion who had caught him in the act. _

_The mix of fear, shame and regret in the green eyes staring back at him. _

_"Please ... don't stop..." Kamui breathed. The pleasure didn't make him feel any better about wanting it, but he was hard and Subaru's touch was infinitely more satisfying than him own. It was a sacrifice he would make for Subaru ... he knew that if he didn't encourage Subaru to continue the blow would make their friendship unsalvageable. In the bit of selfishness he would allow himself day to day, he needed Subaru's friendship. He couldn't stand to loose anyone else. _

_Reluctantly Subaru's hand started stroking him again, and he was surprised how good it really felt when the sensation wasn't muffled by sleep. Kamui moaned and stretched out in Subaru's arms as the other hand crept slowly up his stomach. _

_"I'm sorry..." Subaru whispered. "... I just wanted to help." _

_How long Subaru had been helping? Kamui wondered as he moved into the Sumeragi's touch. _

_Kamui knew what a sacrifice was, but sometimes it's necessary to lie to yourself just to keep the guilt and shame from consuming you. He could tell himself that it was a sacrifice because Subaru wanted it. Kamui did that with a lot of things really, Subaru was so similar to him and he became the perfect benefactor in that regard. Subaru was his corrupting influence, his excuse, a wonderful tool for his own cowardliness. Some of it was hero worship, some of it was infatuation, but some of it was also convenience. Their deal was in a sense just a continuation of what had always been for them. _

_"Oh god..." Kamui shuddered. He bit the back of his hand to hold himself silent, painfully aware of the still presence of others all around them. Hidden by walls and doors, staircases away or right down the hall ... they were there. Perhaps not awake or aware of what was going on between the two of them, but there ... present all the same. _

_Kamui rolled over onto his belly, climbing up into Subaru's arms. He felt oddly balanced, warm, relaxed ... with his skin tingling like he had just emerged from a hot bath. "Now you," he purred, kissing up Subaru's neck with no shyness or fear of rejection. He could feel Subaru arousal and the rhythm of his pulse drumming up against Kamui's skin. _

_"You don't have to..." _

_I know ... I know ... _

_But you want me to, don't you? So I'll do it, because I want to ... but it's easier to not think about what I want. It's easier to just follow your lead. _

_Just do what I'm told._

Mmmmm what to do? what to do? Maiko was in bed with the flu so he couldn't even be rude to her properly for breaking her promise. He had spent a little time walking around the Sumeragi estate but then had gotten tired and ended sitting down on the ground with his back pressed to a wall. He and been aiming for a couch by a TV so at least he would have an excuse that didn't included 'my legs felt like they were going to fall off'. But the stiff Sumeragi house hold was strangely devoid of such things. It was like the whole place was stuck in Feudal Japan.

He twisted a piece of bright green grass between his fingers. He had been avoiding Subaru even more than usual lately, which almost guaranteed the Sumeragi would show up out of nowhere soon. Probably while he was sitting here, exhausted and unable to escape, probably in the next few minutes...

Even with the inevitability of their meeting-- if anything Subaru could probably just have him dragged kicking and screaming back into the main house-- Kamui was avoiding making any kind of plans about how he was going to confront the onmyouji. He supposed what the best strategy was depended on how Subaru thought of him now that he knew. Clearly the Sumeragi did not hate him that much, since he hadn't been thrown out yet.

Kamui's only plan was to avoid Subaru at all costs. That was his best defense wasn't it? If Subaru didn't see him for days... maybe even weeks, then the less logical what he was obviously thinking-- what any sane person would be thinking-- would seem.

Enter Subaru.

"Stop pulling up my grass."

Sometimes-- well really most of the time-- Kamui just really hated being fated. People didn't realize that it wasn't just the whole end of the world thing, he entire life was strangely scripted. Sitcoms of the gods...

"It was asking for it," Kamui replied blandly.

"I'm sure it's greenness was just unbelievably offensive."

"Maybe..."

Subaru took a minute to look him up and down. Kamui didn't even have the strength to hide the way his arms hung limply like two wet socks from his body. Or the way his head fell to the side a little.

"Am I going to have to carry you inside?"

"No," Kamui hissed. "I'm perfectly capable of handling myself. I'm just little tired."

Subaru shrugged, "fine, I was just offering."

"Excuse me that was not an offer. 'Would you like me to carry you inside,' is an offer. That was not a offer it was damage control, and I'm just letting you know that's perfectly unnecessary ... I already know what you think of me. There's no reason to try to make it more obvious."

"How long have you been sitting out in sun Kamui?"

Of all the ways he have considered confronting Subaru, this was not among them. But he figured, he had already dug this big old hole in the ground ... might as well go on and jump into it. "Look I already know Maiko told you."

Subaru blinked, "so?"

"So ... I'm not entitled to be mad about that?"

"Why should you? Moreover ... why shouldn't she have told me?"

"Because she promised me she wouldn't tell you that's why," Kamui bit back.

"...she promised you she wouldn't tell me she's pregnant?"

Oh God... nononononononononononono. That made perfect sense. Of course it was something else ... his life should only make so much ironic sense like that. "What?" he croaked.

"Maiko-san is with child."

"Whose?"

"Daichi's."

"WHAT?"

"I'm judging from your response that this was not what you assumed Maiko-san told me."

Kamui shook his head dumbly. "But ... but ... Daichi-san's getting married."

"Yup," Subaru concluded, plopping down next to Kamui. "He is."

"Does he know she's pregnant?"

He was gawking, he couldn't help it. Maiko was carrying Daichi's illegitimate child? Was that why she had been getting sick? Because she was pregnant? He felt a twinge of guilt run through him with the news, he had grown to think of her as not a real person with a life outside her job but as a thing that simply existed within the house. Like a potted plant, only one that brought him breakfast and helped him get dressed when he was unable to do it on his own.

"Nope," now Subaru was picking at the grass.

"Is someone going to _tell him_?"

"No."

"Why the hell not?"

Subaru regarded him coldly out of the corner of his eye before shrugging and replying casually, "she doesn't want him to know."

"Why?" He wanted to scream out of pure frustration. What possible justification could there be? What kind of idiot sacrifices everything, forcing themselves to suffer for the sake of another who could just be a jerk?

...Oh yeah... nevermind.

"Because she loves him and when people fall in love they trade in their common sense for overcooked yams," Subaru said with more than a hint of bitterness in his voice. "And he's sincerely in love with his fiancee so blah ... blah ... blah she wants him to live happily ever after. I'm sure you can consult a daytime soap opera for the specifics if you like. It all gives me a headache." He rubbed the bridge of his nose to emphasis this point.

"Somebody has to tell him, he's the father he has a right to know."

"No, no one has to tell anything. Because it would break up his engagement then Maiko will be miserable, Daichi will be miserable and the child would in all likelihood have lost both parents instead of just one."

"But... but ... Subaru, you know what it's like to grow up without a father. This child, would you put him through the same thing we went through?"

"First, a parent who's filled with regrets and guilt about your birth is not a parent who's fully there. Yes growing up without a father is hard, but growing up with no parents is much worse. You always had your mother, Kamui ... if we destroy the lives of these two people against their wishes this child won't have anyone."

He hated this. All those years of wondering about his own father. Wondering who the man was, what he looked like, what he did for a living, what kind of person he was ... and then finally whether or not he existed at all. If someone had been able to prevent all that with just a few words "Tohru Magami is pregnant." Even if the man didn't want him, then he would at least know that right? Instead of having this giant gaping void in his family, like a face cutout of a family portrait.

He couldn't handle that...

"I'm going to tell him myself."

"No you won't," Subaru said as a matter of fact. With a low, firm, authoritative tone that left no confusion over what exactly Subaru meant by that.

"No... No, Subaru that's not fair!" he whined pathetically. But he couldn't help it, why didn't Subaru understand? He needed to do this ... didn't Subaru feel that too?

The Sumeragi shrugged, completely unfazed by Kamui's pleading. "We never agreed to fairness. Not a word, not even a hint out of you. You'll take this secret to your grave."

"It's ... it's not right Subaru."

"If you're so concerned with what's right, why don't you be the child's father?"

Kamui blinked, "what? Me?"

"Yes you, and why not? ... You're not 16 anymore Kamui. Although you're mind may not have wrapped around the concept yet, you and Maiko are about the same age. The timing's not too far off, no one would question it."

Leave it to Subaru to burn Kamui by striking straight at the heart of the matter. It was easy to be selfish and sacrifice Daichi's life so that he could feel a sense of closure about his own father. It was less so to take on the responsibility of doing what was 'right'.

"I couldn't do that..."

"Well..." Subaru sighed, pulling himself to his feet. "You were the one so concerned about the child having a father. Seems to me this is the best solution for everyone. The child has a father as well as a mother, Daichi gets to marry the woman he loves, I get two aspirin and a nap ... everyone's happy."

"But ... that's not the truth. I'm not the baby's father," Kamui offered in meek protest.

"The truth is extremely overrated. Besides what is a father anyway? Is Daichi somehow more qualified to be a parent just because he's the biological father? ...Don't look so panicked about it Kamui. You have a couple months more to decide. And after all since you're not one of the child's biological parents you have the luxury of options. Just remember that if you turn your back on this baby you've got no right to force anyone else into the role you don't want."


	6. Wills are Sharper Than Swords

Chapter 6: Wills are Sharper than Swords 

She sat by the window in his room, long white hair drawn like a curtain across the edges of her face. Her features turned away from him so that he could only see and hints of fatigue and sorrow in the fine lines of her face. He had given up on waiting for her to reveal her motive, lately her still presence had taken up residence in the edge of his awareness. She had not shown him anything, but he understood why she was there. Soon she would be gone... 

"He's gone," he told her. "He went to Tokyo this morning." 

"I know." 

"What do you want me to do?" 

"Nothing..." 

"But ... he's the Sakurazukamori..." 

"Yes," she confirmed. "And even if you did have the power to change that I wouldn't want you to. He has a job to do. Maybe even his last job..." 

This answer irritated Kamui. In spite of the pain, fear, resentment, and anger he felt towards the Sumeragi he still... There was still a large part of affection and gratitude to be reckoned with. He didn't want to know that Subaru might slip through his fingers and fall into a tragedy which Kamui despite his desire could not effect for better or worse. "Then why are you here?" he demanded hotly. "What do you want?" 

"I never got to express how much I loved him. How much I loved both of my grandchildren. I tried before the end, but he would not listen. He's wrapped himself up so tightly he can't hear." 

"Do you want me to bring him here?" Kamui suggested. 

"No." 

"Then, do you want me to tell him?" There was little chance that would be a good idea, and it was not something Kamui wanted to do either, but it was a simple enough conclusion. 

"No." 

"...you ... you just wanted to show someone how much you loved him?" 

She looked up sadly from the window and their eyes met. Bright, solid purple ones to a soft translucent gray. 

"That is isn't it? You weren't trying to save him at all. You weren't showing me these things because you wanted me to understand how to help him, you just want someone to see." 

"There's no future between you two." 

"I want to help him." 

Lady Sumeragi scowled at him with her eyes. "Don't be foolish, undo what he is and--" 

"I didn't mean I wanted to save him from the Sakura," Kamui corrected her. "I just want to help him. I don't want him to die without knowing the truth." 

She shook her head calmly, strands of hair as straight and fine as tassels sliding off her shoulder and onto her breast. "It's no coincidence that your paths have crosses again." 

"But I don't know how to even start. He's so damn cynical, he makes me feel guilty about even wanting to help." 

"There are things that you only realize after Shirou-san. Subaru-san's soul is farsighted, he sees best what is not in front of him. As long as you remain committed to him, he will not see you." 

"So he'll only notice how much I love him after I'm gone? What good will that do anyone?" 

"What is your love like?" she asked out of the blue. A very uncharacteristic question for the so reserved Sumeragi matron. 

"Excuse me?" 

"How you love is much more important than who you love Shirou-san. Don't love coldly and don't love desperately either. The people you love will enter and leave your life at random. If your love is linked to them you'll never be happy. Instead love contently without expectations, without demands and no matter who you love they'll always make you happy." 

"How does Subaru love Sumeragi-sama?" 

"I wouldn't be the one who could answer that."

_The gazebo was in a forgotten place on campus, sheltered by overgrown trees and brush. It had fallen into disrepair years ago when the student activities building had been renovated and traffic had shifted away from this part of campus. But the tall elegant columns and stone roof were built to be stable and timeless. _

Kamui didn't mind the fact that he had to climb through three feet of brush to get there. He didn't mind that the ivy was busy strangling the tall ivory colored marble columns. He didn't mind that the stone seats could be dirty and that fall leaves collected under the table. 

Because it was **theirs**. It was the one place where he and Subaru could be alone. 

Subaru seemed to work awfully hard to satisfy Kamui and it was something that even then struck Kamui as more of a penance than affection. But he didn't dare speak of it. He rarely even allowed himself to acknowledge the reality, it was simply too painful. Much easier to think that Subaru cared for him. Far better that Subaru at least pity him. Anything but the truth. Anything at all but that. He didn't want to think, he didn't want to believe ... he didn't want to know that he could be so close to Subaru and Subaru still didn't see him at all. 

"When I was the Dragon of Heaven you saw me clearer than anyone. You understood me the way that no one ever did. But when I was just the boy in your arms you didn't see me at all did you? When I was just Kamui, not 'the' Kamui or 'the' seventh seal... You had no idea how much I loved you. It came as a total surprise didn't it? You only saw me when I was removed from you. You were blind to everything that tried to break the isolation between you and the world..." 

There was little intimacy between them, even as they trembled in the shelter and ecstasy of each other's arms. Little connection but lots of need. And pulsating excitement that maybe if a stray student wondered around this abandoned place and they were caught in the act Subaru might be forced to see. That was a dim hope really but it made their relations all the more pleasurable. 

The stone table was always cold, the texture of the marble's grain caressed his senses ... a much stronger aphrodisiac than he gave it credit for. His legs tightened around Subaru, trying to pull the other's body closer as if closeness was the key to intimacy. And then he fell away, limps dropping on the table with a hard 'thump'. The stone radiated a tiny bit of warmth from the flush of his skin, but this did not stop the fresh chill from making his body pliant against the surface as if he might melt into it. 

"Don't fall asleep, you have class," Subaru reminded. His voice as easy and gentle as it ever was. They shared one last soft satisfied kiss between them, before Subaru slid off the table and onto one of the benches. 

"Yeah.." Kamui replied, still staring vacantly at the large sculpted dome. 

Subaru slapped his leg playfully, "come on, pull yourself together." 

He made a little sound of protest but nevertheless pushed himself off the table and 'pulled himself together' so to speak, zipping up his pants, tucking in his shirt, and straightening his tie. He came to sit on the edge of the table with his feet swinging lazily in the air. "Good?" 

"Not if you walk back in with that lazy smile on your face." Subaru ruffled his hair in an attempt to put it back in order. "You still look like you just got lucky." 

"Mmmmm..." Kamui wrapped his arms around Subaru's neck and buried his face in the man's chest. "Luck has nothing to do with it." 

"Yes well ... the others will wonder." 

"Phhtttt," Kamui sighed. "Who cares? If anyone has a problem I'll blow them up." 

"Dazzle them with your social skills why don't you? Come on ... you have to go." 

"Fuck it, I'm cutting ... it's not like I'm learning anything. The teachers don't even feel like teaching anymore." 

"Is that so?" 

"Too many people to mourn ... even the most traditional ones are starting to see the futility in carrying on in the face of tragedy when more people die each day." 

"And what are you going to do if not in class?" 

"This," Kamui smiled indicating his current position with mischief. 

"Uhhh, no you're not. I've got a job today." 

Kamui made a soft disappointed clicking soft with his tongue. "Awww ... come on Subaru." 

His reluctance was not completely honest. He wanted to hold on to the blissful after glow of this moment because in it it was so easy to forget his troubles. A part of him could not help thinking that staying with Subaru was the same as staying with this feeling. 

"You shouldn't be missing class," the Sumeragi's resolve was wavering. 

"It's only one, and I'll get my assignments from Keiichi later... please?" He added a few snuggles in hope that might make his case more convincing. 

"Well I have an hour or so before I have to go, we could get something to eat. But then you have to find your own way back onto campus." 

Yes!

"Maiko," Kamui greeted, swaying his feet side to side on his bed cheerfully. It was Kamui's usual bitter and sarcastic cheerfulness. He hoped she picked up on that. 

She had traded in her normal uniform for an oversized t-shirt and a pair of loose pants. But she could not hide her pregnancy for long could she? Eventually she would start to show in a way that would be obvious no matter how big the clothes got. He could not help the twitch of dark glee that crept up with that knowledge. And if he could not act according to his desires he would make damn well sure everyone knew his spite. 

Unfortunately, Maiko by this point was used to Kamui's mood swings, and being the subject of his hostility when he was in a less than reasonable mood. She thought nothing of his attitude. "Good morning Kamui, how are you today?" 

"Peachy." 

"You sure seem to be," she answered brightly. "What's the matter? Did Subaru make you clean the windows again?" 

"No," Kamui replied icily, although Subaru was merely carrying out her wishes he was far from Kamui's good graces. 

"I keep telling him that someone in your physical condition shouldn't be doing anything to tired you out," she commented as she fluffed his pillows and straighten up his room. More nervous work than anything that really needed to be done. 

"I'm not that weak." 

"Of course not, and while you have recovered nicely ... it's a little early for scrubbing 30 billion windows don't you think?" 

Kamui snorted and stared out his own window, still sparkling from a week ago. 

She wheeled his wheelchair out from the corner it had been left and placed her arms on either side of it as if she was presenting a person. "Well are you ready to say goodbye to this?" 

He gave in to a startled blink and gazed sadly at the ancient thing. "What? Already?" 

"Yukirou-san said you're strong enough to make it through the day without it. I figure we might as well put it back into storage." 

That chair had undoubtedly carried many of ailing and injured Sumeragis. His gaze shifted inevitably to the figure across the room with her pale hair blowing in a soft but ever constant imaginary wind. He couldn't help feeling that he was losing a link to something that was always just beyond his reach. A family. 

The elegant reserved woman looked up from her mediation and their eyes meet once again. She nodded, for she had said all that she had to say and there was no reason for either of them to hold onto the other anymore. 

"Yeah.." Kamui said distantly. "Yeah I'll be fine without it." His fingers ran delicately over the old wooden armrests. 'Goodbye. Goodbye and thank you. May your soul finally find peace.' 

"Well get up and dressed," Maiko said over her shoulder. "And when I come back I'll bring you breakfast." 

Sadly the absence of her reminded him of his own void in his life. No father, no mother, no family ... not by blood or other connection. He was truly alone in the world. Though he had Subaru, a lover or a friend or adversary or even a guardian (whichever Subaru felt like being for the time) could not replace the feeling of real family. 

But it was something he was not destined to have he supposed. 

"Well Kamui-san, what would you like to eat?" 

He shrugged as he finished off the last few buttons on his shirt. "I dunno ... whatever I guess. Hey-- How have you been feeling?" 

"Aa," she smiled. "I was pretty sick, but I think I'll be fine now. I apologize for appearing at work in such unprofessional attire, but my uniform has been damaged beyond repair, for now this will have to do." 

"Yeah," Kamui hummed. "Morning sickness must be a bitch." 

He watched her jump and stand stiffly facing away from him from the corner of his eye. "You..." she mumbled. "He told you, or is it that obvious?" 

"He told me and swore me to secrecy," he grunted. "can't say I'm happy about it." 

"No one asked you to be happy about it." 

"That's pretty much what he said. But you can't hide this forever--" 

"Of course I can," she snapped. "Not from the world no, but I can hide it from the right people." Her denial was fierce. Their conversation was far too quick and sharp for courtesy. 

"He comes around here. Maybe not as often as he'd like. But he lives on the estate and eventually he's going to drop by and notice you're pregnant," Kamui told her, the two of them still facing away from each other. "I doubt he'll believe you're the promiscuous type." 

She laughed, "give me more credit than that Kamui. I'm leaving for Tokyo in a month." 

Kamui blinked and then turned to stare at her hidden form. "Tokyo?" 

"There's a good adoption agency there. In a month it will be too difficult to hide it so I'll go there for the rest of the term and have the baby. Then I'll come back here." 

"Why Tokyo?" 

"It's the mourning city," she said softly. "So many people have lost their loved ones, I'm hoping that they'll find a family that will love him there. If I can give one couple who grieve for the lost a new start then it might not be such a bad thing." 

She might not feel like she was abandoning her child so much. 

"Maiko ... if you want to keep it..." 

"I haven't got much of a choice Kamui, grow up here? Without any real family? And everyone will wonder who the father is--" 

"I'll do it." 

She shifted her weight and turned her body to look curiously at him. "You'll do what?" 

"Tell them I'm the father. It won't be any less of a scandal but you'll get to keep him and you'll still protect the real father." 

She folded her arms over her chest and turned away from him again, shaking her head lightly. "Don't sacrifice yourself for me Kamui, I couldn't give this child a happy life anyway. Besides it's not what you want." 

"Maybe it is." 

"What about your deal with Sumeragi-san?" 

Oh yeah, _that_. 

"I could tell everyone you're the father, but I still couldn't keep him. I can't raise him by myself and a father that will be dead in a few months won't do him any good will it?" 

"I suppose not." 

"If I keep this child he will be born into the service of the Sumeragis as I was, which is by no means a bad life. But what consequences will I be unleashing on this house if this child thinks his father was murdered by the same person he is to serve? Don't you see? It's no good. 

"It's sweet of you Kamui. I really appreciate the offer, but as long as the child stays here someone's going to suffer." 

Honestly how many stubborn people could fate fit into one household? 

"Someone's going to suffer no matter what!" 

She nodded, "that's true..." 

"So why not do what's best for the child? Or what's best for yourself... Or--" 

"Kamui," she said sternly. "This isn't your problem." 

Why was it that all the things he wished he had the power to change were not the ones he was given jurisdiction over?

Time spent in trees was best used pushing away the world. Bathing in the warm sunlight, wishing a way all thought, all desire, all hope. Wasn't Buddha born under a tree? Maybe if he could reach great enlightenment he could escape all that haunted him in his dreams. Even the sound of birds chirping happily in the tree was unpleasant to him. 

Jarring vibrations knocked him from his meditation and almost from the tree itself as the trunk and branches quivered below him. 

"Hey, Shirou!" 

Oh God no... Well he couldn't avoid two Sumeragis at once, he suppose it was only a matter of time before he had to bury all that troubled him and hope that Daichi's uncanny perception didn't root him out. 

"Hi," he smiled. 

"What did you get stuck up there?" 

"No ... it's just nice and quiet." He could not help noticing the overnight bag Daichi had slung over his shoulder. "Where have you been?" 

"Tokyo." 

What the hell was _with_ people and that city? 

He flipped down beside him quiet effortlessly. "Oh yeah, what for?" 

"Messages," Daichi indicated to the package in his hand. "Because no one in this goddamn family has ever heard of _email_. I mean really even the Buddhists are wired now'ar days. Do you know how much shit there was about getting Subaru a pager but when we were young ... a _pager_! But I suppose if they did get with the times I wouldn't had a job." 

Daichi Sumeragi was the family's courier, a job that Lady Sumeragi had given to him to make use of the fact that he insisted on riding his motorcycle all over the country anyway. So he might as well carry messages between the religious clans of Japan. 

"Let me tell you something though," Daichi rubbed his head with a chuckle. "I thought _our_ family was uptight. The Magami family gives me the creeps." 

Kamui's steps faltered a bit as he walked along side of the other. He tried to feign ignorance for the time being but he didn't know how believable that was. "Magami?" 

"Yeah ... I suppose it figures, but are they ever arrogant sometimes. Way too much honor in that family for things to be good." 

"And they're still in Tokyo?" 

Daichi shrugged, "yup, they kind of go along with the capital. The government is their biggest client after all." 

"What's the family like? Do they have a big estate like the Sumeragis' or what?" 

Daichi looked at him in a way that was vaguely suspicious. A simple notation that he realized by the way Kamui bounced as he stepped that something was up but that he didn't feel it would threaten him any enough to warrant concern. "Why the interest in the The Me-gimmes?" 

"My mother was a Magami." 

Kamui had the satisfaction of actually catching Daichi off guard in such a way that the older man didn't know whether to be sincerely sorry that he had been poking fun at the clan or commiserating with Kamui for being born to such a family. "Does that make you a Kagenie?" 

Kamui shrugged, "maybe a potential one, I think there's a lot of ritual involved that I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if that's why my mother ran away to have me. I mean the Magamis knew about Hinoto's prophecies, they would have had to. It wasn't like they wouldn't believe her or that they would find any shame in it. I wonder sometimes if she didn't want me raised in their traditions, and then I wonder why that was ... and how the future would have been different had I grown up there." 

"Well," Daichi sighed as they wandered in the general direction of the main house. "I think all children feel at least some of the time that their parents are horribly abusive monsters that ruined their life for one thing or another. There could be a specific reason, or it could just be plain resentment. If you want my advice--" 

"Of course." 

"I wouldn't get all excited about there being some concrete reason she didn't want you to be a Magami. Most people get very neurotic when it comes to the task of raising children, it was probably just resentment for her own life." 

Kamui laughed, "you didn't know my mother. There was always some divine reason for everything. Like who I turned out to be in the end was all in the details." 

"Oh I'm not saying she didn't believe there was something specific she was running from. She probably did... So ... is Subaru home?" 

"Maybe ... hard to tell." 

"And what does _that_ mean?" 

"Well that house is still standing and all the windows are actually intact. If this was not the case I'd say he was definitely home. But this is anybody's guess, he could be sleeping." 

Daichi snickered, "Not to worry Shirou, one of these days when we're all old and gray Subaru will learn not to take himself so seriously. Until then..." 

"Yeah?" 

"Well ... we'll just have to kick his ass a little, coming?" 

He felt, and he really couldn't help feeling, that maybe he had gotten involved with the wrong Sumeragi. "Always." 

"Not one for missing a good ass kicking myself either," he winked softly as he threw open the door and hollered "**YO Subby, you home?**" 

Subaru looked up from his newspaper and his cigarette with a cynical curiosity that made him seem ten times more grumpy and bitingly sarcastic than he probably was. "No," he said with a puff of smoke. "I'm not, try back in an hour." 

"Awww ... isn't he so cute in his natural environment Shirou-kun? Maybe we should find him a mate and breed him in captivity," he announced as he flopped down on the couch next to Subaru. "Mission completed sir." 

"That's nice," Subaru commented vacantly, his thoughts returning to his paper. "Why are you telling me?" 

"Cause you're the current sucker-- I mean _clan head_." 

Subaru shrugged, "I haven't had any authority in a long time. Best report to whoever sent you on the errand." 

"Right right, actually I did ... I just came by because I missed harassing you." 

"Mmmm... in that case I look forward to the day when you are not so easily amused. How many more days of freedom left?" Subaru asked. 

"Too many," Daichi grinned. "The younger kids are in a pool to see how much pimping I can do before I tie the knot ... next time Shu-chan comes around tell him you want in." 

"How much ..." Kamui trailed off with a slightly embarrassed twitch. 

"Nah-uh, no cheating ... you think just because you saved the world you get special treatment?" 

Kamui used this perfect opportunity to shoot Subaru the nastiest glare possible, "Oh no ... not at all." 

Subaru was, no surprise, ignoring him. "I hope for your fiancée's sake this is some of your grossly inappropriate humor." 

_But hey knock up few more women and we'll have a support group at least._

"Oh Subby, do you really believe that I would betray the love of my life whose affection I have finally secured?" 

Kamui. Wanted. To. Vomit. 

"That reminds me," Daichi announced turning his head turning his head towards Kamui. "I trust you'll be along to keep Subaru subdued?" 

"Eh? What? Me?" Not to mention subdued? How was he supposed to managed that? Follow him around with a tranquilizer gun? 

"Sure ... can't have him murdering relatives that I may need money from one day." 

"Right," Subaru rolled his eyes. "I'll be in the kitchen if you need me." 

Daichi nodded without much attention. "yeah if our grouchy levels fall critically low we'll call..." 

It occurred to Kamui that this might be the perfect time to let a little something slip to alert suspicions. 

"So what do you say Shirou? It's a family affair, but I think you're pretty much like family. The swanky fancy invitations were sent out months ago, but you can come anyway." 

"I dunno." 

"Come on, you'd be witnessing the beginning of the exciting mystical life of Daichi Sumeragi husband and father of 300." 

_301_, Kamui's bitter conscious corrected silently. "I don't know, ask Subaru." 

Daichi frowned, "what's that suppose to mean?" 

"It means I don't know if I want to go, Subaru hasn't told me yet." 

In all fairness he was playing up to the nature of their agreement more than he normally would have. But hey, Subaru never said he couldn't tell Daichi about _their_ relationship. And he knew enough to know that secrets under pressure tend to pop when inquiry hits upon something related. "So ideally I wouldn't be the best person to keep Subaru in line really..." 

"Wait ... just wait, let's start from the beginning ... why can't you go?" 

Kamui sighed as if this was the most obvious thing in the world and why wasn't Daichi getting it? "Subaru tells me what I want. I'll have to check with him first." 

"Right ... that's what I thought you were getting at." Daichi wasn't kidding around anymore, he looked Kamui over a few times as if trying to gage his seriousness. "Subaru? Come out here a minute please?" 

"Yeah?" 

"Honestly Subby, I know as clan head you must hold up time honored traditions but I did not think concubines were one of them." 

Subaru blinked at him. 

"I'm not his concubine," Kamui corrected. "I just don't know what I want until Subaru tells me." 

From the look of dull annoyance in Subaru's eyes Kamui realized at once this was not going to work. Subaru didn't care if Daichi found out, he didn't care that Kamui was angry at him for ordering his silence. He was just annoyed that he had been dragged into the wedlock mess in the first place. 

"Okay ... if you two like to play sex slave games, far be it from me to stop you. But confine it to the bedroom please. This is kind of disturbing." 

"I'm not his sex slave," Kamui continued. "We haven't had sex." 

Daichi stared "Is he serious or are you two fucking with my head?" 

"Oh he's serious," Subaru confirmed. 

"That's sick..." he snatched his jacket off the hook and threw it on angrily. "That's fucking sick." 

The door followed him with a harsh slam. 

"Well," Subaru said dryly. "That could have gone better."

It was significantly later, and Kamui had almost come to believe he had gotten away with it, when he walked passed Subaru's bedroom and the other shoe fell. "Kamui." 

"Eh?" 

Subaru motioned with his hand, "come here." 

The Sumeragi was reclined on his bed, room smelling of fresh cigarettes, his shirt off and thrown to points unknown. Kamui had seen Subaru like this before, he was not intimidated by it but there was something in the onmyouji's eyes that was ... unsettling. 

"That was a cute stunt you pulled today. Can you think of one good reason why I shouldn't beat you within an inch of your life?" 

Kamui froze, not even within his darkest suspicions about the man did he ever think that Subaru would... 

"Because it would be wrong." 

"Well yes, it would be," Subaru nodded. "Which is why I won't do it, but I was discounting that seeing as you have such a low opinion of me. Can you think of another?" 

"Subaru I don't necessarily think poorly of you..." 

"Well you certainly have a funny way of showing it." 

"I just wanted..." 

"To get your way about everything I know," Subaru sighed. "And honestly, first you ask me to kill you then you make me out to be some slave master. I don't know why you are so determined to make me the villain for your constant need to be victimized, but it seemed to me that the person you're decided I am would beat you within an inch of your life for such crap ... maybe cut off a finger or two, what do you think?" 

"I didn't mean to--" 

"So I've been sitting here trying to figure out something. If that's the type of person I am to you, why would you do something so unbelievably stupid and risk the repercussions? Obviously there's a reason why this Subaru you know would not punish you brutally for what you did. But I just can't think of one. 

"Of course I don't know this person, so I figured maybe I'd ask you." 

Kamui swallowed the lump in his throat. He was far from relieved, the look about Subaru's eyes was curious but unfeeling as if he might really... 

"Maybe ... maybe Kamui wants the pain." 

"Maybe he thinks Subaru is just too stupid to do anything about it," Subaru shot back. 

"Maybe Kamui just wants to know how Subaru feels." 

"He could ask," Subaru suggested. 

"He did once." 

"Not with words," he countered. 

"Actions speak better than words anyway." 

"They do..." his hands cupped Kamui's face and pulled his closer. "Are your actions lying to me Kamui? Do you want me to hurt you?" 

"Maybe..." Kamui trembled. 

"I don't believe that. No one seriously wants to be abused. And not even you are piteous and self-centered enough to be an exception." 

"You wanted the Sakurazukamori to kill you," Kamui pointed out. 

Subaru released him and pulled back a great measure. His expression was surprised but otherwise unreadable. "Is that what this is about?" 

"Not really," Kamui mumbled, his eyes had fallen downcast upon the covers of Subaru's bed. "I just wanted to know that you don't love me. I'm sick of wondering." 

The light touch of Subaru's lips showed nothing of his true intentions. The whole incident was too maddening not to be cruel. Which part of him was playing the fool? The side that wanted to believe that Subaru had merely buried inconvenient feelings long ago and left because if not a Dragon of either side he was another senseless casualty to further break Kamui's heart? And only now were those affections surfacing, rising from the deep green sea in which they were smothered and floating carelessly about like it was no offensive that for a time they had been denied by the Sumeragi. It was such a silly reason in the vile way it hijacked logic and perverted it to Kamui's liking. But the otherside, which dutifully warned him of the manipulative and cruel nature of the Sakurazukamori, was not completely satisfying either. True Subaru might be using him for his own amusement, but why? Could his path through hell really have changed him so much? Subaru's two hands held him firmly and Kamui's own conflicting thoughts forced him into a pliant and accepting indecision. He kissed back timidly as if only buying himself more time to decide whether he wanted to embrace this. 

"You're so melodramatic Kamui," Subaru sighed. "Stay here tonight." 

Kamui bit his lip. "What if I don't want to?" 

A warm trail of air curled into his ear with a soft 'shhing' sound that made him shiver. 

"Subaru wouldn't like that," Subaru said softly, playing along the hypothetical. The imaginary Subaru certainly wouldn't care whether Kamui wanted to stay or not, but what about the real Subaru? Did he care? 

"We've never done this before," Kamui noted, looking slightly innocent as Subaru's capable fingers ran down his arms like careless raindrops. He tried to convince himself that he had to fight. If he wanted the truth, he was going to have to force it out of Subaru. That would require sacrifices, and this was one of them. He was going to have to be strong, even if he didn't have much strength left. And if pursuing this got him killed, well it wasn't as if he would miss this life anyway. 

"Are you okay?" Subaru's voice was soft and gentle in his ear. Like cool air on his senses. He tried not to let it disturb him much, he knew that the years that had passed had given Subaru the time to refine his own will until it was like the solid, tall wall Kamui had to find a way to scale now. He knew that Subaru would not make this easy for him, that he would not give him the rough, ugly answer he wanted, but a gentle, pleasant lie. 

"I can take it," he told Subaru. 

"You don't have to you know," Subaru's lips were just barely at his neck and he could feel his skin just below those lips tingle with anticipation. "You said so yourself you're not my concubine." 

"I can take it," Kamui snapped again. _Don't you dare try to trap me here Sumeragi..._

Subaru didn't press the matter further than that, but he smiled and Kamui wanted to hit him. 

"If you want me to stop, just say the word." Subaru's fingers were petting his hair lightly. "I mean that ... at any time." 

"Can I go back to my room?" 

"No," Subaru nuzzled his shoulder. "You have to at least stay." 

So he had to spend the night but he didn't necessarily have to have sex with him. It was comforting, but when Kamui felt on the edge of a complete breakdown it was not enough. He couldn't do this now, he couldn't handle it now. He needed to go, to regroup, to remove himself from Subaru's deceptive charms so he could think this through clearly. The Sakurazukamori was never what he appeared to be... 

Subaru knew this, since Subaru knew him better than anyone ever did. It was exactly why he would not let Kamui leave. 

As his nerves jumped with pleasure at the kisses roaming down his neck Kamui made a little choked gasp and tried his best to pull himself together. He might never get another chance at this. Subaru might never let him so close again. He had to be strong. 

Maybe Subaru was not the man Kamui thought he was. Maybe he was much worse... 

_Whatever you do ... don't fall in love with him,_ Kamui prayed. _Please don't let me fall in love with him again..._

To keep his sanity Kamui found himself focusing on the most unromantic sounds. The quiver of the bed against the wall. The slight sound Subaru made as he moved, slippery, wet, an almost sucking noise ... so soft one would not have normally noticed anything. But it was disgusting and dirty... 

And it was all Kamui had. 

"I'm amazed and altogether frightened by this man you think I am. How can you bear him?" 

"I feel ... some what committed to him," Kamui answered. "I have lots of regrets about the way things have been, but I only have one uncertainty. Maybe I cling to it not because it's so important to me, but because it's all I have left." 

"You should stop being so silly," Subaru reproved him with a soft stroke on Kamui's head. "You should speak more." 

Kamui was stiff in his arms, fugitive tears escaping from his eyes, his back arched away from Subaru, arms hanging limply in the air as if half way in between hugged back. Despite his best intentions he let his chin rest on Subaru's shoulder and tired the focus on his breath rising slowly from his throat. His eyes stared off into space. "God," he sighed. "Why do you have to make it hurt so much?" 

Subaru didn't answer, perhaps there was no answer at all. He lowered his head to the crook of Kamui's neck, inhaling his scent deeply and said nothing at all. 

It was not the first time for them. There were many nights of tangled limbs and spent passions, the tadest bit of comfort riding up soft against their skin like a warm blanket. He had been happy then, not totally, completely, blissfully happy ... but happy in as much as he could be at the time, in the lives they were each living. And he had thought ... he was certain that Subaru cared for him. He was not so foolish to think of love, he was never quite that foolish. But he had been so sure... 

In retrospect he thought their frequent liaisons were rather bizarre. It was never quite sex ... although Kamui would be hard pressed to say he was a virgin. It was everything else, but never reached that point. As if having sex was some unspeakable act of adulthood that they would only be able to make into a meaningless parody. But they did just about everything else imaginable, and some things that made Kamui wonder what dark places in his mind all these strange kinks came from. 

And it was that quality of letting youthful innocence slip and sneaking sexual acts in that made the whole matter seem so adolescent. Harmless acts of sexual mischief, which were perhaps to be expected of Kamui, since he was 16. Maybe not from the man so much his senior, but still. There was nothing terribly unusual about a teenage boy giving and receiving sexual pleasures. Nor is there anything unusual about hearts that long but do not love, or of pleasure being sought without that love. 

And yet, because of who he was ... because of who they both were, there was something ironic and out of place about the habit. The mindless patterns of teenagers having no purpose in the regal march of destiny. 

That was partially the reason Kamui liked it so much. Because it was out of place. Because one did not expect the savior of the world to be rubbing eagerly and desperately against the body of his lover, moans on his lips... 

There was something undignified about it. 

He thought Subaru had cared. 

He had been so sure.. 

He had been so **wrong**. 

And he was not so weak. He was not so pathetic that this would break him. Subaru left and Kamui knew that he did not even hesitate to, and he accepted it and the days moved on. There was pain, but it was over shadowed by the work of keeping kekkais up. He thought little of Subaru then, less each day. And the days moved on and on and on, the Promised Day passed over Tokyo, and Fuuma died-- so quickly it surprised Kamui. 

And before the end they had spoken, Fuuma and him. Quiet as whispers (when had Tokyo Tower become a sanctuary?), on the roof of the observation deck, blood puddled at the floor. He had said something ... something he did not remember now no matter how hard he tried. And he... 

Woke up nine years later. 

It did not bother him that Subaru did not care for him. He had come to accept that. But he could not help harboring feelings for the man. Nine years had past for the onmyouji and the world ... but to Kamui it had only been a little more than two weeks since Subaru had been revealed as the Sakurazukamori and a Dragon of Earth to boot 

The wounds were still fresh. And they ached mercilessly when Kamui awoke and found out that it was Subaru's home where he had been kept all this time. Kamui thought maybe, maybe he had misunderstood after all. And it was a glimmer of hope like a knife blade used to torment him. 

The first thing Subaru wanted to do was send him away. 

Sometimes Subaru would do or say things that made Kamui think ... maybe... just maybe. Sometimes he did the opposite. And being jerked around like the puppet on the finest threads of hope was torture.. 

Love and Death are two bitter crimes, and they share more similarities than the poetics suggest. The most merciful way to kill someone is quick and finally. For each hope of survival on a fatal wound will only serve to prolong the pain of dying. The most merciful way to break someone's heart is to shatter it at once, leaving no traces of hope or doubt. 

No room to wonder... what if? 

What if...? 

What if...? 

Whatifwhatifwhatifwhatifwhatifwhatifwhatif???? 

What if I had done this... or if I had not... or had said. 

Might he then have loved me? 

What if Kamui had been more mature? What if he had tried harder to heal Subaru's wounds as Subaru had nursed his? What if he had been a better kamui? Certainly if he had prevented Fuuma from taking Subaru's eye then there would be no eye to give in the first place. And logically Kamui knew that if not an eye than something else... but that hardly seemed to matter in the face of the daunting question. 

_If I had stopped it, we would have at least had more time. And then might he not have learned to love me? With just a little more time... Might I not have nested somewhere in his heart?_

Kamui felt like a daisy, petals being slowly plucked out one by one, Subaru chanting "I love you... I love you not... I love you...I love you not...". Each limb ripped from him bringing excruciating pain and the ever present wonder of what the final result would be... and if when the verdict of the final petal came down, whether he would still be able to care. 

He didn't know if he wanted to die. Death now would be pointless. But was there anything to live for really? All he had was this glimmer of hope connected to Subaru, when that was gone ... they'd be no point to living either. 

So he thought ... _Let me get an answer ... and let it be final_

And what was more final than death? 

Hindsight is 20/20, foresight is always blind and mentally impaired. At the time it had seemed so easy, he'd ask Subaru to kill him. Subaru as the Sakurazukamori would have no objection to murder by itself, which meant that he either cared for him and refused, or did not and accepted. 

Adding to the allure of the plan was the simple fact that murder is murder. Not something that can be misinterpreted. 

Or so he thought. 

It never occurred to him that Subaru might say "I won't kill you because you're worthless to me." It had never occurred to him, although it probably should have. 

In his head it had all been so simple.

Apparently Subaru's love was pained and lonely, filled with more guilt than joy. His love was like a scar on him, a tangible gouge in the flesh. A mark that was there forever. And yet his love was also scared, timid, innocent and terribly terribly bashful. It took Kamui a long time to see this love in the man and to understand that these variety of emotions did in fact connect into some intelligible working whole. 

His own life was flurry of such things. So many different wants and goals, sometimes contradictory, somehow they all fit into a working whole of what he wanted. What he really **really** wanted. It was something beyond knowing whether Subaru cared for him, not as pure as wanting to heal Subaru's considerable scars, yet not as shallow as wanting Subaru to love him. And still ... it was all of these things too. 

If life were fair, things would be much easier to figure out then this. But Kamui had learned long ago that life was not fair and if he wanted things to come out even remotely in his favor, he needed to work twice as hard as anyone else. 

"Subaru..." he addressed the pair of arms slung around his waist tenderly in the night. 

"Mmm?" 

Subaru's room was dimly lit with a soft cream colored moonglow that clung to the edges of the furniture and the ripples in the sheets covering them. It cast this subtle calm over a room that was normally so intimidatingly dead. Kamui felt more comfortable here at night then in the morning when the shadows melted back into the walls and he could see every sharp empty detail. 

"Next time you go to Tokyo ... I want you to take me with you." 

He heard Subaru shift behind him, presumably sitting up on his elbows, inviting Kamui to turn and speak with him face to face. 

Kamui didn't turn around. He wasn't sure why, perhaps some petty side of him wanted Subaru to want him to turn around... 

"Why would you want to go back there?" 

It was true that Tokyo was the last place on Earth he ever wanted to see again. The streets and districts had been charged with so much of his loss and bitterness, he couldn't help growing to hate the city in only a matter of months. "I have something I want to do there." 

"What might that be?" 

"Sightseeing Subaru, what else do people do in Tokyo?" he drawled out sarcastically. "Oh and maybe I'll knock down a building or two." 

"Mmmm... no." 

Well perhaps sarcasm was not the best way to warm the Sumeragi's heart to the idea. Kamui rolled over and tried his best 'innocent-but-not-entirely-manipulative-puppy-eyes' on Subaru, which he really didn't expect to work but it was slightly less exhausting than whining it out of the onmyouji. "Please? I'll make it up to you." 

Subaru raised an eyebrow. There was so much criticism loaded in that one gesture it almost hurt. "And how do you plan to do that?" 

Kamui slid himself into Subaru's lap. "Oh ... I have some ideas," he murmured in between kisses. 

"Well in that case..." now it was Subaru's turn to be sarcastic, although he didn't push Kamui off the bed and that was always a good sign. "Why do you want to go?" 

"I want to see someone." 

"Who?" 

Drat, he was edging dangerous close to the truth here. He didn't want Subaru to know because he didn't want to share his secret with Subaru. It was his prize, something he had longed for all his life. Now that he had a chance to find it, he didn't want to share it with Subaru. "Um ... Yuzuriha." 

If it were at all possible to facefault when one was lying in bed... Subaru blinked, "Yuzuriha?" 

Kamui nodded. 

"Our Yuzuriha ... the one with the Ginzo-Lassie? _That_ Yuzuriha?" 

"How many other Yuzuriha's do you know?" 

"None, but I'm curious as to what brings this sudden urge to see her. Is she even still living in Tokyo?" 

"I dunno. Which one of us was in a coma here?" 

"Well," Subaru said. "That really depends who you ask." 

Kamui leaned over the nibbled on Subaru's ear, lightly touching a few of a spots where Subaru liked to be touched at least on a physical level. "Please?" 

Subaru made an appreciative little grunt and opened himself up to more of Kamui's ministrations. "This sudden interest in Tokyo wouldn't have anything to do with Maiko's baby would it?" 

"Actually, no. Although I wish she weren't going to give it up," Kamui sighed and rested his head on Subaru's shoulder. "It's so sad..." 

"Well I convinced her to have it here at least." 

"Eh?" Kamui blinked. "How'd you manage that?" 

"I said 'you're not going to Tokyo by yourself to have that child in god's knows where, you're staying here'. And she said 'Yes Sumeragi-san' and that was it." 

"Aaa ... it's good to be the king." Kamui laughed. 

"Well that and I pointed out that if she disappeared for a few months it will only make people more suspicious than if she stayed here. And the rumors and assumptions would probably be worse. I promised her that we'd do our best to keep her secret." 

"You have to convince her not to give up that child Subaru..." Kamui came to lie on Subaru's stomach, looking up desperately at him. Soft thread of his fine dark hair curving down into his eyes, the violet irises looking dark and haunting but carrying a very childlike expression. "She'll regret it." 

"She'll regret it, or you'll regret it?" 

Kamui stiffened and stared aghast at Subaru. The idea was just too insulting, but not entirely untrue either. 

When the moment of shock passed he turned sadly away and curled up a little tighter in his brooding. "Maybe... maybe both." 

Subaru sat up, nudging Kamui's head into his lap. One hand came to rest upon the task of working the tension out of the other's shoulder, the other brushed through Kamui's long airy soft hair. Kamui gave way to a sad little sigh and drew himself up further. 

"What troubles you so much?" Subaru asked. 

"I don't know ... I feel almost like this child is me, but I know for certain I can't let him go." He sighed heavier and for a second Subaru wondered if he might cry. "And when I wonder why that is, my head is filled with the most horrible thoughts Subaru." 

"What kind of thoughts?" 

"Like ... maybe I'm just projecting my own pain on to this child. Like maybe adoption is the best thing for him. Maybe I just want him to stay because I've never had a family of my own. Maybe I'm just jealous that his mother wants to give him a shot at happiness and normalcy when my mother just ran away and kept me locked away from the world." 

His words became progressively shakier and faster. Spilling from his lips like some desperate last confession, as he trembled a little under their weight. Kept inside these dark thoughts were dormant and tamed, once spoken they were wild and shameful. Guilt that he might not have felt over them he suffered to with admitting it all. 

"Maybe I don't want to let this child be any happier than I was as a child. Oh Subaru..." He rolled over to stare up at the Sumeragi, his eyes now filled with tears. "What sort of person am I? To be thinking such things and trying to mask them with good intentions..." 

"But you feel bad about those thoughts, doesn't that count for anything Kamui?" 

"Maybe by itself ... but I've done so much in the past. I killed my best friend in cold blood and you know what Subaru? For a moment there on Tokyo Tower I wanted to, for a moment I was really happy when his blood was twisting down the blade of my Shinken." 

"No one in this world or any other could blame you for that Kamui, think about what he did to you." 

"But what he did for me far outweighed what he did to me Subaru. He gave up his soul for me ... it was what I wished for but it was one of those dark thoughts I wouldn't let myself hear. I wished for the burden of kamui to be pushed on to someone else Subaru..." He was in tears now. Hot trails of salt water wandering down his face. But the heat was hardly comforting. "I wished ... and because of me he-- What kind of person has a wish like that Subaru?" 

"More people than I'm sure you understand had they been given your lot in life Kamui. You couldn't have known the effect of your wish, just as I couldn't have known the effect of mine." 

"I want to let this go. I don't want to ruin anyone else's life because I'm a selfish, horrible person. But I just can't ... this haunts me Subaru. I try not to think about it, but I can't..." 

"In time even the unforgettable fades, you owe it to yourself not to interfere this time Kamui." 

He sniffled a wiped the remaining tears from his face urgently as if afraid someone might walk in and find out he was crying. "I always thought you were one of those follow your heart people, Subaru..." 

"That's only when your heart knows what to do Kamui." 


	7. Roots and Nodes

Title: My Love and I 

Chapter 7 : Roots and Nodes

_He sat back up against the thick sturdy trunk watching the smoke curl up and fade into the sky. He was addicted to the damn things, well wasn't that just a kick in the face? _

_That he smoked to remind himself of that man and keep himself focused, and not to satisfy a need for nicotine was one of the smaller fables he had told himself over the years. He had not lied when he said that smoking made him stronger, for the smell of burnt tobacco never let him forget the man of his heart. And that obsession-- in a way-- did make him stronger, it committed every second of his life to fulfilling his wish. _

_Now though, he had been trying to quit. Because that wish had not been granted and the smoke from the cigarette seemed to throw that painfully back in his face. _

_Well damn... _

_His restored eye twitched uncomfortably, still adjusting to the light and perhaps to him. It sometimes watered slightly, sometimes itched a little in the socket. Though it made sense that this eye should cry alone. Maybe in some way it was crying for its owner. Maybe in addition to half of his sight, half of his soul had also been restored and that eye with its tears was the young innocent Subaru crying over the cruelty of life. _

_Or perhaps it was just badly infected and he'd be dead within the week. _

_He honestly didn't know nor he didn't have the energy to worry about anything like that. _

_Being the Sakurazukamori was not what he had expected it to be. _

_The Tree was like a dull candle in the back of his mind. Its warm light vaguely illuminating senses and skills he didn't even know he had. She was not a forceful presence at all. He had expected to feel and overwhelming chill of dark power when he opened the canister that contained the Fuuma's gift. Instead he had felt an eerie warmth like a match had been struck inside him ... a quick hot fleeting sizzle that was cut back to a more stable glow. _

_At first he didn't know what to make of this, except that perhaps something had gone wrong. He wondered if eyeballs could short circuit... _

_The Tree was fond of prodding at memories in his mind he'd rather of forgotten, but not the ones he expected her to strike at. For the year of the bet his dreams had been haunted with slivers of memories of that dark mark on his childhood. Then after Hokuto died those dreams had been chased away by more graphic and painful memories. The Tree seemed to be extremely curious about the former and entirely unconcerned with the latter. He thought this was odd, for if she wanted to use his own memories to drive him under her control those of Hokuto's death were much more intimidating. _

_Subaru had to admit he was a tad disappointed that the Sakura was not half as maniacal as he had grown fond of thinking of her. _

_But that was neither here nor there. Whether or not she wanted to cackle evilly in the distance or drive him off the brink of his sanity, she still had to be feed. And he was the one chosen to do just that. _

_Long had he harbored fantasies about destroying this tree, but for much different reasons than he started out with. In retrospect he realized that falling in love with Seishirou had been a wonderful diversionary tactic. Every time he saw her he thought of that man instead of her. Where as once his focus would have been facing her and getting through the Sakurazukamori to do so, after their bet the complete opposite had become true. The whole mess known as his life had started with him and this tree, and somewhere down the line it had become about the Sakurazukamori. Seishirou really was an excellent guardian, he had gotten Subaru's eyes off the prize. _

_Doubtful that was his intention though. _

_Nevertheless... _

_The Tree made a dull thunking sound when the back of his head banged up against it. "Ow..." he grumbled, rubbing the sore spot a bit for the dramatics of it. The Tree rustled uneasily and he looked up with a faked disinterested edge. "Hungry?" _

_He did not know why, lord knows she didn't even try to force him, but he felt he couldn't let her go hungry. It was no particular allegiance to her or her former guardian, it was ... a sense of pity in him. He cared for her, not because she gave him power. Not because he was her servant... _

_Of course her hold could always be like the hold of nicotine, unnoticeable until you try to go against it._

After Seishirou died there was only one intimate connection left. He supposed he could have counted Kamui among them and made it two connections, but Kamui was of a different world to Subaru. The present was a hot hallucinogenic blur, only the past seemed clear in his mind. The apocalypse, the seven seals of human civilization, the seven angels, a logical fantasy, but in his heart he could not grasp the truth in the reality of it. It all seemed too strange, too ethereal. Subaru had never quite accepted the end of the world. He could accept the concept as he could accept 2+24, but his heart didn't understand it. He thought he would when he saw first kekkai fall ... but even then it was just a building. Could the destruction of Tokyo really wipe out humanity all over the world?

In the same way Kamui was like a whimsical spritely creature to him. Subaru had never been able to completely remove him from the legend. He had never been able to accept him as something tangible and real. Kamui seemed to him like a character in this collective fantasy, not a person of flesh and blood. A beautiful mythical creature his imagination was fond of playing with.

Consciously Subaru knew this was extremely unfair to Kamui, but no matter how hard he tried he couldn't quite accept the reality of him. Maybe it would have been different if he hadn't been schooled about the Promised Day. Maybe if he hadn't known Kamui first through prophecy...

It was obvious that Kamui loved him, but it was something that never occurred to Subaru until Kamui said so. And even then his heart doubted the words. Afterall, no one suspects their imaginary friend to express emotions independent of the fantasy. No one thinks a legend might exert free will and defy what is scripted.

Then he thought, Kamui's role is clearly one of suffering ... maybe the play hadn't ventured far from the script at all. Vacantly he wondered what he would have told himself had Kamui's confession happened before he became the Sakurazukamori.

"Subaru?"

With a jolt he realized that Kamui had been speaking to him and that he had not heard a single word. "I'm sorry?"

Kamui seemed amused that Subaru's gruffness and crude apathy was just a front and that when caught off guard he reverted to his natural politeness. "I asked where I should meet you."

"Oh ... Ueno?"

"Are you sure that's a good idea?"

It wasn't, but there were only two places he knew for certain were still standing: his apartment and Ueno. When he went to Tokyo he paid very little attention to anything else and there was little hope that the places he had known well in his childhood were still standing.

It would be unwise to expect Kamui to find his apartment in the mess that was the Ginza distinct.

"Yeah, I wouldn't worry."

"And how could I reach you should--"

"Godzilla moved back into town?"

"Or other emergencies," Kamui smiled. He was far too cheerful, Subaru thought, certainly he was up to something. But since that something didn't appear to have anything to do with him, his suspicions quickly lost their interest.

Aside from pestering his beeper number out of him, Kamui seemed to have little plan of involving Subaru in what ever his plot may be.

Well ... this was too typical Souh thought. Mountains of paperwork at the office, at least a dozen official duties to be attended to, yet here they were, doing in person what they could have easily sent a car and driver to do. "Kaicho..."

The man he was referring to was unfazed by any of his worries and stood fanning himself in the unseasonable heat that had captured Tokyo. When addressed he smiled at his companions and opted to ignore the obvious.

The third among them was searching the crowd with concerned urgency that was quite adorable in a man his age. "I don't think they're here."

"Nonsense, Sumeragi-san called me personally. They'll be here."

"Neh are you sure this isn't too much?" Akira wondered out loud.

Nokoru blinked and paused briefly in his fanning to consider it. "Not at all," he concluded. "I would have liked to prepare a welcome much more fitting of the world's savior had we been given more than a day's notice of their arrival."

"I think what he means Kaicho," Souh began. "Is that your plans for the weekend might be a little overwhelming since it is his first time back."

"Well ... it's not like we're throwing him a parade..."

"I'm sure he has a lot of business to settle this weekend."

"Sumeragi-san said--"

"Let me rephrase that, I'm sure _you_ have a lot of business to settle this weekend."

Nokoru frowned and fanned himself a little heavier. "Oh _that_ ... that can wait."

"You promised--"

"I promised I'd do it all today before Sumeragi-san called with the news. We can't very well ignore his request after all Shirou-san has done, it would be rude."

Akira had learned a long time ago top stay out of these arguments. Still he knew if he let them go long enough eventually he'd have to say something. Something innocent and distracting that would keep the two from getting upset and frustrated beyond repair. Therefore he was extremely grateful to whatever god so fit to part the crowds of people in the train station and reveal their guests. "There they are!"

Kamui looked surprised enough by their presence to confirm what everyone had suspected in some way, that he was not aware of Subaru's call.

Kamui had been slighted.

And he was trying damn hard not to show that. Not to be rude to the trio that was so graciously showering him with attention. After all ... it was really their fault now was it?

It wasn't their fault that Subaru thought he needed to be baby-sat.

Despite his best intentions, the drumming of his fingers against the wooden rest of his chair and the way his head pressed with frustration into his other arm was giving him away.

Drat...

It was at that time that a confident woman in her early twenties entered the office. Her hair was longer... her face matured and less child like ... her eyes were just as bright but were it not for the strange wolf like creature that nearly assaulted him in his seat he would not have recognized her.

"Yuzuriha?!?!" he gasped as he ducked out of Inuki's enthusiastic greeting.

She smiled in return, bowing politely to him as if there was nothing particularly strange about him being there. That quality about her had always set him at ease. No matter how extreme their lives as Dragons of Heaven got Yuzuriha never seemed trapped by the reality. The epic tales of their lives never seemed to disturb her that much, and Kamui was hard pressed to be depressed about what Yuzuriha made seem so natural.

"Welcome back to Tokyo Shirou-kun."

He had not really intended on actually tracking down Yuzuriha. Apparently Subaru had also told Nokoru of the lie Kamui had planted to cover his tracks.

Not that he minded ... it was good to see her again.

"What are you doing here? How are all the others? How have you been? ..." there were just too many questions to be asked at once.

She giggled like the girl she had once been and beamed at him, "I'm a graduate student here Kamui, Imonoyama-san asked me to come down to see you."

"Graduate student? What are you studying?"

"Environmental Science," she laughed at the punchline to their own private joke. "Grant funded research program. The ideal is to not only rebuild Tokyo, but to make it a modern marvel. Cleaner, less wasteful and of course more technologically advanced.

"You should see it Kamui, people have taken the tragedy as a purge of old foundations and a chance to start over and build a superior city. In time they'll be no city like Tokyo in the world."

"And how long will that take?"

"Well the reconstruction is a slow process, but I think thing are progress from our side quite nicely."

All of this was a bit overwhelming for Kamui. This was Yuzuriha without a doubt ... but she was ... _smart_. And while he had never really thought Yuzuriha was stupid, he certainly didn't consider her to be an intellectual like the young woman standing with him now.

It actually was beginning to make him feel self-conscious. He had practically been frozen in time for all these years. The world had progressed at a dizzying pace... all the people he knew-- which admittedly weren't many in number-- had grown and developed to the point where they were unrecognizable.

Save for one... but he wasn't entirely sure if he should be thankful that Subaru had not changed over the years.

He found Yuzuriha's company especially comforting despite the touch of insecurity, and gracious accepted her invitation for lunch. Or as he explained it her ... it would have to be lunch on another day since he did have something specific that had brought him back to Tokyo.

The gates to the Magami estate were huge. Hell, the Magami estate was huge, easily the largest compound in sight, unmarked but none the less intimidating. Had it not been for Daichi's curiously detailed directions he might never have known that this massive traditional style giant was the home to the entire Magami clan.

_ "From the look of the outside you'd think they were expecting an invasion. Massive concrete walls roofed with red shingles to hide the barbed wire. Big impersonal camera, keeping watch over the gates ... can't miss it."_

Kamui looked up again at the building in front of him, which looked more like a military fort than a home.

Maybe it was comfier on the inside?

He had little choice but to ring the bell-- as knocking on the heavy iron gates would probably only yield him swollen hands. Or what he thought was a bell but turned out to be a loud obnoxious buzzing sound when he pressed the button.

"Yes?" a cold feminine voice asked of him. It was not an angry tone, but it was not a very friendly one either.

"Ummmm ... Hi," Kamui chirped nervously, feeling the camera zooming into focus on him. "How are you?"

All the way through the ten long seconds of silence Kamui wanted to kick himself. He had waited all his life for this moment and that was the most intelligent thing he had to say? But then, he didn't know who to ask for and explaining his life story in the middle of the street to a cold camera lens wasn't very appealing.

The camera frowned at him, "who are you?"

"Uh ... my name's Kamui Shirou..."

Another awkward pause elapsed during which Kamui thought maybe he should have said 'Tohru Magami's son' instead. He smiled with nervous foolishness and waved at the camera.

"I see ... close the gate behind you please."

Another cold jarring buzz as Kamui blinked dumbly. He reached out and found the gate unlocked.

The inside wasn't much better than the outside. Everything was very strictly traditional, nothing festive or warm about the pale plaster walls and wooden paper doors. Even the people in their bright kimonos seemed too reserved and empty.

In his western style clothing, blue jeans and a T shirt, he felt very out of place. The people stared at him as he wandered towards the building in front of him. He had no idea where he was supposed to go...

"Shirou-kun?"

A middle aged woman appeared by his side. Her presence seemed to set the people roaming about at ease and Kamui quickly faded from their awareness. He glanced at her curiously, noting that she looked much older than she probably was ... her skin bearing premature wrinkles and her hair weary and fading in its color.

She bowed to him, greeting him like he was a honored but familiar guest ... perhaps an old friend. "I am Mimiru Magami, the current matron."

"Oh... Oh!" Kamui squeaked, quickly returning her courtesies before he could be seen as rude. "It's a pleasure to meet you."

She smiled softly at him, a maternal smile that made Kamui feel warm inside, and guided him by the arm towards a different building.

"You'll have to excuse my rudeness," Kamui sputtered. "This is the first time I've been here and I'm a bit overwhelmed by everything."

"Oh it's no trouble," she laughed softly. "You must forgive us, although our seer did foresee your return, we were not expecting you today."

"Well ... I wouldn't expect you to have anything prepared--"

"That is not the point, it's very embarrassing for the Magami family to be caught offguard by something, even if it's trivial, it is ... how do you say? Bad for business. We must know about things before they happen in order to prevent them."

"I see ... well I wouldn't want to take up too much of your time but--"

"You came here wanting to know things."

He nodded dumbly, Mimiru Magami was both very soothing and very unnerving. It was not that she resembled his mother or aunt, there were many key features of difference in her face and figure. But she resembled them in manner, which made up for it.

"It is unfortunate that I must tell you this," she began. "But you are the last of your particular branch of the Magami family. There is no one that survives of direct relation."

He paled, trying not to look too upset or disappointed as he felt that would some how be rude. "Oh..."

But he could not have lied and said he expected otherwise.

"You are of some relation to everyone here. But distantly unfortunately, your family was among the highest of the Magami clan at the time of your birth, they tend to be kagenie who protect the most important and most threatened of clients."

"And they don't live very long..." he finished.

"No ... unfortunately."

"Why... why haven't I ever been here before? I never even knew this place existed."

She walked up onto the verandah of another building and slid open the elegant paper screen door, beckoning him inside with a wave of her hand. The scent of fresh tea being prepared taunted his senses. He kicked of his shoes quickly, eager to hear her answer.

Once the tea had been poured and they both sat comfortably in the mat room she considered his question. Gazing into the steaming pool of liquid in her cup as if she were scrying for the proper answer.

Finally she looked up, "I cannot answer on the motives of the dead, but I believe it was a matter of necessity that you not know of this place."

"Necessity?"

She swallowed another sip of her tea and nodded, "your mother was to be the head of the Magami family, it was with your line at the time. Had you been raised here as a Magami you would have been her heir. It was felt that would be a conflict of interest for both parties."

"Meaning?"

"Both Magami and Kamui are responsibilities that devour a person's life. Both roles demand that they be the only life for the one that lives them, both of them swear your death to a specific inescapable moment in the future. Simply put, both positions set a person's fate in stone. It would be impossible to be both Magami and Kamui."

He looked down at his cup, "then..."

"If you were to be the Kamui, you could never be educated in your heritage as a Magami, which means you could not live here."

"I see..."

"Even now I feel that would be an unwise choice."

Kamui snapped out of the disappointment he had been falling into. He had not consciously been considering living here, although Mimiru seemed to know that he hoped to find family and perhaps the rest was sensible. "Excuse me?"

"You must understand, it is a great shame for a Magami to survive death even when the one they are assigned to protect lives on. Our responsibility is to die, that is our purpose in life. I know that you were not raised with these beliefs and therefore cannot be blamed for your dissonance from our code of honor, but long since before you were born it was known that the Kamui would be Magami, so much of the family consider you just as responsible for this code than if you were raised under this roof.

"You are not a Magami as long as you remain ignorant of your heritage. If you wish to become on, it will not be a pleasant road ... nor a welcoming one."

"I killed him," Kamui replied. "The one I was supposed to protect with my life ... I killed him. I can't imagine that's any better..."

"Officially you were to protect humanity, which lives on despite your failure to complete the task in the traditional Magami manner."

"So what you're saying is you don't want me..."

"Not at all," she smiled. But there was no mirth in her smile, only a very simple reserved affection. "The fact that a Magami had a kagenie is an unprecedented affair. It is true you might be an outcast here, but in light of other factors your case is more significant."

"Fuuma wasn't..."

"In spirit he can be consider so."

Kamui supposed she was right about that. "It's still a shame, isn't it? That I'm alive?"

"To some," she shrugged. "Being born to die has away of making one bitter. There are those in the family that feel both you and your mother are a disgrace. Although many accept that the Kamui should be allowed standards of greater designs ... there are few progressives among our clan Kamui. Newer generations are only a little less traditional than the old, not enough to welcome you with open arms. Now that you have returned there will always be a social stigmata, unspoken, among our family, but our resources are open to you."

"But not as part of the family?"

"It would be better if you remained removed from us. It is not a happy life even with perfect honor. Although if you insist that this is what you want I will make arrangements for you here."

He could not help noticing that she seemed troubled by something. Guilt, he thought immediately, but what did she have to feel guilty about? Perhaps something buried deep in the past?

"If I stay here ... doesn't my existence challenge your authority?"

He had struck at the correct point, her normal calm and reserve shattered with surprise and those tiny hints of guilt began to swell until they were obvious. "Perceptive of you Shirou-kun. I must admit to you, least you misunderstand, that my frankness in warning you isn't to drive away the threat you possess to my position but to compensate a desire for exactly the opposite."

"It's not a happy life is it?"

"Magami clan head? No ... it's not at all. The chains on your life grow stronger the higher up the clan hierarchy you go. My life is not my own. I must confess that there is a part of me that wants very much to trick you into taking over. Please forgive this horrible flaw in my character."

He smiled, how could he possibly condemn anyone for standing up against the wishes that he had succumbed to so easily in his own fate? The desire to have your responsibilities given to another, he understood it. A small part of him wondered if granting her wish could be an adequate penance for his own mistake.

"I could ... if it's that bad. I mean, I don't have much of a life to give up anyway. I'd be glade to--"

Her chuckled cut him off. "That's very sweet of you Kamui-san. However I'm afraid I have no right to infringe, you still have promises to fulfill. Future sacrifices to make for duty."

Blaring red lights went off in Kamui's head. _Nonononono no, the Promised Day was over and done with_ "What?"

"Our seer thinks highly of you Kamui, the hardest things to sacrifice are the small not so important things.

Kamui was waiting calmly for Subaru in Ueno Park right next to an impressive sakura tree. He was not sure if this was **The** Sakura as he had no way of knowing where that was in the park exactly, but it was **a** sakura. A pretty one too, perhaps blooming just a little early.

He didn't worry that Subaru would have to look for him in the park. He knew very well that Subaru could locate him with ease just by sending a shikigami to hunt him down. And this place felt nice, comforting although he wasn't sure why.

Or it did until a young face swung harshly into his field of vision. He jumped up with a yelp, causing the child to snicker at him. Hanging upside down, dark hair stagtites cut short and clinging to his head, deep gold eyes gazing at Kamui with affection and amusement, as if he were the child. "Hey Mister!"

"Ahhh..." Kamui swallowed his high-strung nerves. "Hi there. What are you doing?"

Hanging from a thick branch of the tree he shrugged cleverly, "just hanging out ... you?"

"Waiting for someone ... be careful, don't get hurt."

The child laughed, "this tree can't hurt me."

Well ... he hadn't meant that. "You could fall and break your neck."

With one graceful fluid motion the child swung back up to sit on the branch. He looked even more pleased with Kamui than he had before. "Nuh-uh," he shook his head. "I'm safe where I am."

"So sure are you?"

"Of course," he touched the bark of the tree gently. "She won't let anything happen to me."

Kamui blinked and looked at the tree again. "The Sakura?"

Figures...

"No," the child laughed. "I told you, this is just a tree. I meant mommy."

Okay ... children today made no sense to him. The Japanese language couldn't have changed that much in the years...

"They say if you steal a blossoming branch from the Sakura tree you'll have good luck" the boy remarked conversationally.

He turned, meeting a pair of crisp gold eyes that were far too close for his comfort, stepped back clumsily and tried not to eep under the child's steady gaze.

"Is that so?"

"Aa," he nodded.

"I've never heard that before ... and I've heard a lot of strange stories about Sakura trees."

"Well, maybe you should try to steal a branch then, and test it out for yourself. It's very hard to steal something from the Sakura though."

It was a simple enough idea Kamui figured. He reached up, fingers caressed the edge of a soft pink blossom. They were so fragile ... so pretty. His hand moved upon the branch, feeling the density of the wood beneath his fingers with gentle squeezes. He could break the branch quite easily. He could do it fast, so fast the Tree wouldn't even know what happened. All it would take was a flick of his wrist right now.

He gasped as the branch wrapped tightly around his wrist and yanked him forward into the arms of more branches. When he had his footing again he push himself back, trying to work his way out of the inner shelter of the Tree. He was playing tug of war with the Sakura, and with each branch that snapped another wound its way around tightly.

_"It's very hard to steal something from the Sakura..."_

"Oh shit... ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit." Kamui cursed as the ground slipped under his feet and the branches bound him tightly. The massive trunk was looming ever closer and the ground was so choked with roots he could find nothing to brace himself against her pull.

"Release him,"

Subaru had come, and Kamui betrayed himself with an audible sigh of relief even though the Sumeragi's voice reflected not even a trace of irritation at their game. Just a quiet casual request as if he were asking the Tree to pass the salt or something equally unimportant.

The Tree growled and Kamui felt the branches tighten around his arms possessively.

Subaru shrugged, his eyes closed apathetically and feathers of his black hair mixing in the soft breeze. "Fine then, don't release him. But I'm not going to kill him for you now, and you can't do it yourself. So you can hold onto him until he starves, dehydrates, or dies of exposure--"

The Tree pushed Kamui away so quickly he stumbled back and tripped over one of her large roots, landing in Subaru's arms. It was if the whole Tree had violently rejected him with a harsh hiss.

"Thank you."

Kamui looked up, too confused to ask anything other than, "what was that about?"

Subaru kicked up a patch of roots with his foot, pointing out the ends of them as he helped Kamui to his feet again. "Dull as baseball bats."

"She can't kill me?"

"Not in a way that will do her any good. If she really wanted to she could probably find some way to feed off of you, but you'd die before she had bleed you out so it's not very practical for her. The blood needs to be as fresh as possible, if you waste away slowly before she's feed it's like eating a rotten apple."

That Subaru had this knowledge was a most disturbing thought. He knew that the Sumeragi was connected to the Sakura as to be responsive to her needs, but this was ridiculous. "Oh ... Well ... you could feed me to her now."

The Tree brightened, its branches rustling affirmatively, blossoms perking up.

Subaru looked amused, "you didn't seem to be too keen on being eaten a little while ago."

Kamui bit his lip, "well that was different, but she's obviously hungry so--"

With a chuckle Subaru's fingers pressed onto Kamui's lips, stopping them from speaking. "How considerate of you. But who says I'm going to feed you to her in the first place?"

Kamui blinked, "why wouldn't you? You're the Sakurazukamori.."

"Then she'll want a kamui all the time, and where the hell am I going to find that? You don't just drop out of the sky."

"Well then ... what will you do with me?"

Subaru shrugged and helped Kamui back onto his feet, "I haven't really thought about it, probably bury you ... unless you'd like to be cremated?"

God this conversation was morbid. What the hell was wrong with them?

"It doesn't really matter to me."

"I suppose it wouldn't."

"Will you--" Kamui hesitated. But how can one have such a bizarre conversation and not try to set it right? Not try to ground it in some sibilance of morality? "Will you be sad when I'm gone Subaru?"

The look in Subaru's eyes told Kamui that the onmyouji wasn't really sure why he was asking such a thing. "I haven't really thought about that either," he admitted in a voice that sounded lost and almost too distance.

"Well think about it now."

Subaru did not, instead he turned and stared at Kamui. His eyes searching every detail of the boy for some clue ... some hint. To what Kamui had no idea.

His stare was making Kamui self-conscious though, "What?"

"You make foolish decisions Kamui."

"Maybe," Kamui admitted.

"It's impressive ... the amount of time and energy you put into trying to get what you want without actually admitting what it is you really want. One would think that you would have learned from past mistakes."

That was offensive. He could feel an almost physical burn at the comment. "You think you know me better than I do? Well you don't have a best track record when it comes to judge of character Subaru."

Subaru looked down at him sternly and changed the subject, "what are you doing here?"

"Oh well... I was talking with this..." Panicked he turned back to the tree to find the child nowhere in sight. "...boy... I swear to God he was there..."

Subaru didn't seem at all surprised by this. "Probably one of her illusions. She doesn't do that often, but as you said she's hungry."

"Didn't you come here to feed her?" Kamui wondered out loud.

"I will...", the Sumeragi shrugged and walked away, leaving Kamui to trail silently all the way to his apartment.

"So how'd it go?" Yuzuriha asked as he sat down across from her.

"Not so well ... but I don't really know what I was expecting Perhaps things are much better than I could ever hope for under the circumstances. I'm not of close relation to any of them anymore, but if I need anything from them in the future their resources are open to me. Despite my duty as Kamui being obsolete, despite my unwitting disobedience of all their beliefs and practices. It was extremely generous of them to show me any kindness at all."

"But you're still disappointed."

"Right." He poked the eel roll with his chopsticks before snatching it off the plate. "I'll get over it."

"...So how's Subaru-san?"

Kamui sighed and suppressed the temptation to bang his head up against the table. "Oh about the same as he always is, tall, dark, and irritating."

Yuzuriha laughed and leaned her head upon her arm carelessly. "I see, so no progress at all in melting his heart?"

"Oh I dunno ... it's hard to tell. Sometimes I think he might be warming up to me, but then just last night it was back to the old 'I don't give a shit about anything'. I mean ... it's not like I'm trying to seduce him or anything, I'd just like to know why he hates my guts so much."

A bit of her salad cracked freshly under her chopsticks. "You think he hates you?"

"No... not honestly no. I don't know what to think, I never did. Sometimes... sometimes I wonder what he wants from me."

She was smiling ... brightly ... friendly ... most curiously amused by his sincere confusion. "You too are just adorable together."

Kamui frowned, he failed to see how anything in association with the Sakurazukamori could be described as adorable.

"You're exactly alike, always have been, and if the two of you ever figure out how to communicate with each other you'll be set for life."

"Well interpret please..."

"I think Subaru-san is just embarrassed."

Okay now that didn't make any sense at all. "Embarrassed," he laughed. "What could he possibly--"

"Well maybe embarrassed isn't the best word," Yuzuriha hummed, her chopsticks tap her lower lip softly. "Shy ... or ... It's like self-conscious ... I think Subaru-san is a very self-conscious person. Maybe he's not honest with you about a lot of things because he worries about what you would think of him."

"That doesn't exactly fit with the role he's trying to play."

"Well..." she was casually side stepping the fact that Subaru killed people. Innocent people no less. She always avoided it, Kamui kind of wished he could as well. "Maybe he doesn't know how he's supposed to be right now. I don't think Subaru is very good at processing things, you know like thoughts, emotions, instincts. It's not that he's stupid ... I just think he has trouble coordinating it all together."

"Subaru, that's--"

Subaru looked up from the body, his eyes were like cold glass and revealed nothing of the man's thoughts nor of his mental state. He did not seem at all surprised to see Kamui there, nor the least bit angry that Kamui had intruded on this moment. The Sumeragi merely accepted his presence and turned back to where the Sakura's feeding held him at fascination.

Among the corpses he had seen in his life, this was by far the most pleasant. He had witnessed a number of decapitations, and his own mother had been burned to death in place of the planet. It was hard to surpass standards like that of course, but that did not mean the Sakurazukamori's kill did not present its own unique repulsion.

Though the body was relativity intact-- barring the large hole where the heart should be-- the smell was overpowering. It was as if the corpse was defensively warding them away. Though it didn't seem to bother either the Tree or Subaru, Kamui raised his hand to his face with a sharp gag and stumbled and few steps backwards.

In fresher air, he tired to say it again. "Subaru that's a child ... you killed ... a child."

He thought the horror should be obvious, but his companion seemed most uninterested in this fact. "Yes," he replied evenly.

But Subaru jumped at the sound of Kamui's laughter, and it was a rewarding sight really because if the Sumeragi found his display of mirth disturbing then obviously he wasn't _that_ crazy. "You really had me fooled Subaru, really ... every since that first night you had me feeling horrible that I had you pegged as a bad guy. True you are the Sakurazukamori but is that any reason to assume the worst? Maybe you don't feed her often, maybe you fight her, maybe you only killed bad people. You had me fooled yet again Subaru, I was beginning to think you were a noble creature, much better than I at least.

"But you kill children, _children_ Subaru. Then you think you have the right to be hurt because I act like you're a monster? _You **are** a monster Subaru_."

The Sakurazukamori endured all of Kamui's venomous rage without so much as a flinch. And when the other had exhausted the words with which to curse him, he looked up from the corpse of the small child he had murdered. "Would it be better if I killed the bad people Kamui?"

"No, but it would be tolerable."

"To you maybe, but that requires me to convince myself of a bit of stupidity I'd rather not. There are no 'bad' people Kamui, and even if there were ... who am I to judge? I'm a really the person you want culling the bad from the good?"

"Well I'm pretty sure a defenseless child isn't under the menace to society category _Subaru_."

He shrugged, "maybe. What I meant is that I would not be able to handle this existence if I picked victims based on morals. Although it may have made you feel better, the sheer guilt of consciously selecting target by judging the worth of each person is not something I could live with."

"Child killing on the other hand," Kamui snapped back.

"She was the easiest kill in the area, she was physically weak, easy to draw out of the crowd and too slow to realize. It's all very logical really. If you thought I was a noble figure Kamui, you couldn't have been more wrong, but which do you think is less contemptible: deciding that you have the right to judge who deserves to die or taking what's most convenient without discrimination?"

"She wasn't most convenient, you could have taken me."

"We have a pact, and the time's not up yet."

"You damn well could have--"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I've told you why not before. I promised to kill you, but you promised to stay with me for six months before I do, I'm not letting you out our agreement."

"You're a child-murdering bastard."

"What would you like me to do Kamui, she's already dead ... even if I were to agree with you, she's still dead."

Kamui looked back at the body, a cold shutter running through him, "I can't help hoping that maybe something I could say would make you stop this."

"If I don't feed her she will die."

"Good," then with much more confidence and fever he emphasized his point with a stomp of his foot. "Good! That would be the best thing to happen in a long time."

"No Kamui, although I know you don't understand it ... it would be very bad if she died. You are still a child in the way you think."

He knew he should be offended by that comment, but he was willing to give Subaru the benefit of the doubt and assume there was something about this tree he did not know that Subaru did. Kamui looked up hopelessly at the large Sakura, knowing that it held Subaru in it's clutches and that he was not the one who could free the Sumeragi. No matter how much he might want to, he had neither the right nor the power to.

And it was in this quiet reflection that he noticed for the first time the soft black marks across the trunk of the Tree. Subtle black scars on her body ... burn marks he realized. He looked back to the Sakurazukamori, who stood with unchanged focus on the Tree himself, observing a small weariness in the way he held himself. Nothing more than a flicker of fatigue in his eyes, very fleeting. And abruptly he realized what Subaru had been getting at, "you're trying to purge it?"

"...Something like that," Subaru admitted slowly.

"Can that even be done?" Kamui looked back and forth between the Tree and the man as Subaru bent down and rubbed some soil between his fingers. "I mean, isn't it too powerful?"

"Normal trees make their own food right?"

Kamui nodded.

"Normal trees are rooted in the earth and draw life from the source directly. They live for thousands of years this way without a problem. But this tree needs to be feed as if it were an animal, it draws its life from the blood and spirits of others. In it's heart Kamui, this is still a normal tree..."

"What went wrong with it?"

"I haven't a clue," Subaru shrugged. "But souls of the Sakura aren't without hope. Their suffering fuels the dark magic."

"So maybe if the souls are exorcised the tree will return to normal?"

"Maybe ... it's a little more complicated than that. After hundreds of years the oldest souls have become a mass of power, completely unconscious. They strike to preserve their existence and by doing so they protect their prison."

"Why doesn't it work ... what's wrong?"

Subaru laughed and stood up again. "You expect me to undo centuries with one well placed spell? I think all things considered I'm making pretty good time here."

"But you'll continue to feed it until then..."

"If she suffers, they suffer. If she dies they're all lost. There are hundreds of spirits there Kamui. Hundreds of loved ones, hundreds of souls that will never be able to pass on and find peace if they remain locked in her. It is my duty to help them, Obaasan understood that ... But I know you don't understand it, just trust me."

Kamui's tongue snapped with an irritated sigh, "as if I have a choice."

"No ... I'm _asking_ you to trust me. What you see now seems horrifying I know, but it's a small sacrifice to be made if one day the masses of souls here are free from their torment."


	8. Life is Good...

Chapter 8: Life is good... 

_People wonder sometimes what it's like sleep with Subaru. Okay... maybe more wonder what it's like for Subaru sleeping with a kamui, but that's really not the point. That's not a story I can tell, so why bother with it? _

The first thought in your head is 'Oh God what if Fuuma finds out?'. You are not too concerned about the Sakurazukamori, you lust for a chance to defeat him anyway. That ... that would be a welcome battle. But Fuuma... Fuuma would be different. Because Fuuma wouldn't be interested in... 

Then he would be gone. You know this for a fact, if Fuuma knows than Subaru would be gone. On your most egotistical days it is because Subaru is dead, and others he just leaves ... but in any case, he's gone. 

It's natural I'm told for people to fear the loss of their lovers. That this is in no way special or significant. It doesn't prove or dispel anything about our relationship together. 

It starts as a simple touch, you think nothing of it. You do not allow yourself to think anything of it... Best not to mislead yourself. But as it wanders down your collar bone and into the soft valley of your chest your blood heats up and you think 'he's delirious... he doesn't know what he's doing'. But silently you hope that he does ... because you want him so much that you pray to gods you don't even believe in when he kisses you. 

You bite your lip to keep from moaning out his name, somehow convinced that would be anything but a compliment to some one like him. You're really not at all suited to be his lover and certainly he knows this. 

You wonder if he knows you can taste it. How badly you want this moment... How badly you want him. Even if you're not meant to be, even if it's wrong, even if it will put him in danger. 

What's most frightening to your conscience is that you have no idea why you want him so badly. In the face of all that should deter you away from wanting him like that, all that you risk. And you have never been a person who lusts for the threat of disastrous situations before. You find no thrill in risking everything you have left ... but all the same you want him. 

There's no convenience available to explain this. You cannot say that it's simply a biological need because he is a man, like you. Is there anything biological about needing sex with a man? ... well ... some may say yes, but I have my doubts. And it still feels like an excuse. 

In the heat of the raw physical pleasure, thankfully, such thoughts slip away from you. You become focused on being good ... for him sometimes ... and sometimes just in general. You follow his lead because you're young and inexperienced and you're not really sure what to think or do. 

He smiles at you all the time, which is funny since he so very rarely smiles. When he looks at you it's funny ... he doesn't look at you like he looks at anything human. He looks at you like he's in awe of you, like you're something that deserves his awe in the first place. You kind of wonder what he sees that you don't, because the mirror reveals nothing glorious or awe inspiring about yourself. You see the same weak, contemptible, slightly effeminate body you see everyday. 

Yet he smiles... 

Yet he smiles and pets you, not like you're an animal ... not in a demeaning way, but like you're precious to him. Something so precious that if he must touch you he only allows himself the softest of pressure. 

It doesn't take you long at all to notice that when you're with him like this he relaxes just a bit, he lets himself escape from his troubles just a bit, he has the same kind of attitude you imagine people in dreams have-- where they know their decisions don't really matter. And maybe that's why you let it happen again and again, and why you encourage it as much as he does. Because you hate to see how badly his personal crimes weigh him down. Because you have this fleeting wish that you could take all that pain away. 

You think that if you could take that pain from him, even if you had to experience it yourself in retribution, it would be worth it. And suddenly, what it means to be the kamui becomes clear. 

"Quit fidgeting," Subaru commanded, straightening out the layers of Kamui's kimono like an obsessive mother hen. Were it not that kimono's tended to make Kamui look even more effeminate (and were therefore evil evil things) Kamui might have relished in the attention. But his patience was shot and had been so the moment he had laid eyes on the elegant black silk kimono with the purple embroidering. 

Someone had to be fucking with him... 

"That," he had pointed at the accursed item, "is a woman's kimono." 

Subaru had only given the article of clothing a brief glance as he helped Kamui get dressed. Not that men's kimonos were especially difficult to get into, but he had been doing so since it was determined Maiko was too pregnant to work and it had become force of habit. Kamui had not recovered all of his dexterity yet, and probably never would, and had trouble with buttons or anything that required precise movements. After another casual glance to check that he had not accidentally laid out a woman's kimono for Kamui, Subaru concluded "no it's not." 

"It has flowers on it," Kamui insisted. 

"I'm sorry I know you'd prefer bloody crucifixes but none of those were in your size, plus the threading matches your eyes." 

"Blarg, it's not manly..." 

Subaru was amused but decidedly unsympathetic. "Get over it," he said with a ghost of a smile. "You only have to wear it for the ceremony. I don't like it anymore than you do but once all the old geezers have had their formality you can change." 

Kamui glanced longingly at the other set laid out on his bed, a pair of long black dress pants and a white button down shirt. 

"I thought you were our little nationalist, all for the traditional stuff," Subaru chided. 

"I look like a girl," Kamui snorted. 

"You look very pretty." 

Kamui wasn't fooled, at any other time a compliment from Subaru would have made him the tiniest bit giddy in a silly childish way, but Subaru was doing it just to irritate him now. "I am not pretty!!!" 

"Sure you are," Subaru replied, completely unfazed. "Why you over shadow the bride to be." 

"...go to hell Subaru." 

Subaru's own kimono was a subtle shade of off white with patterns of pink and green to compliment his fair skin tone and green eyes respectively. It was a bit fancier than Kamui's and had probably been made specifically for him. There were a few onmyouji type accessories along with it, but Kamui wasn't sure of their purpose other than possibly to signify his position among the clan. 

"There now, all set. Let's go." 

It was a beautiful day for a wedding. Warm, early spring, clear blue skies to highlight every other bright intoxicating color. They walked slowly together towards the main plaza of the Sumeragi estate where the ceremony was to be held. In no particular rush, the walk was almost like a stroll. Kamui's heart felt a little lighter and his nerves a little easier. And for the first time in a long time he truly felt comfortable and relaxed around Subaru. 

Kamui had learned from experience that that was never a good sign. Whenever things got comfortable in his life he lost everything. When he finally adjusted to life outside of Tokyo his mother died sending him back. When he finally accepted the comfort of the Monou siblings the Dark Kamui awakened. When his heart was flooded with love and trust for Subaru... 

Well ... he was waiting for the bottom to fall out. 

"You're tense," Subaru said as a matter of fact. That he could tell this without a touch was a very Subaru element of him. Normally Subaru's spontaneous insights into Kamui's thought were more an admission of Subaru's own feelings. But he didn't look tense, rather he seemed more at ease than Kamui could recall seeing him. Was Subaru growing sincerely observant of Kamui's behavior or was it just really obvious? 

"Ah ... a little." No use denying it. 

"Why?" 

Kamui shrugged, "things are good. They haven't been good in a real long time, makes me nervous." 

Subaru nodded-- whether in agreement or understanding Kamui wasn't sure. 

"And uh ... Subaru? ... I've never been to a wedding before. What do I do?" 

"Nothing," Subaru supplied. "You sit, you look happy for the couple, you try not to fall asleep." 

"Or make a fool of yourself." 

"Of course not, that's for the reception." 

A moment's or two pause, in which Kamui's fidgeting became slightly more pronounced. 

"That's cute," Subaru smiled. "That you're nervous about it, it's adorable." 

Kamui frowned and gave Subaru his best suspicious eyes. He had resigned himself to his fate of being 'cute' and 'pretty' for most of the day, although that didn't mean he was going to like it. "You're in an unusually good mood today." 

"Am I?" 

"Yeah ... what gives?" 

Subaru shrugged, "not sure ... I hadn't noticed." 

In record time Kamui bounded down the stairs in clothes that displayed his gender more to his liking. He had done a half way decent job too Subaru noted off hand, although he had apparently given up on the last two top buttons ... not that anyone would complain, it was an attractive look for him. 

"Here," Subaru said, handing him a glass of milk with Kamui greeted with a wrinkle of his nose. 

"What am I, a little kid?" 

"Drink up shorty, it does a body good and all that." Subaru finished off his own glass of milk quickly while Kamui was still puzzling over it. "You'll thank me in the morning, trust me." 

Not thrilled with the comment about his height, but satisfied with the harmlessness of the milk, Kamui gulped it down in one shot. 

"If that's the way you drink maybe I should give you two glasses," Subaru commented evenly before they set out for the reception. 

Kamui was just a little drunk. 

Not much, although he couldn't really recall when Subaru had excused himself from their company or where he said he was going if he had said anything at all. 

He had been sitting with Daichi and assorted other male Sumeragis listening to old family stories and shooting back whatever the wily Daichi Sumeragi put in front of him. Probably not a very smart thing to do, but hell it was only a short walk to the main house. And besides he sort of felt like he belonged here ... like he really was family. 

It was a nice, happy, warm feeling. 

Or was that the alcohol? 

Subaru had left about the time they had started swapping stories about his innocent, awkward teenage years. Although Kamui had known Subaru through darker times he had a couple bumbling Sumeragi stories to share. Over the last couple of hours, if his sense of time was to be trusted, the conversation had swayed between the troubled clan head to other topics both of family and general concern. Kamui was trying to keep up but his mind was slowly slipping under the alcohol induced daze. 

He was startled when Daichi tapped him on the shoulder, "I bet you could do it." 

Kamui blinked, "eh? Do what?" 

"Get Subaru to dance." 

"Dance..." Kamui chewed on the word. "Dance ... me? Nahhh ... Subaru wouldn't, he's too shy." 

Had he been a little more sober he would have thought that 'shy' wasn't the correct word, that Subaru was too stern and bitter to be shy. But in the blinding honesty of alcohol everything seemed so clear and 'shy' was the perfect word. 

"I bet you could," Daichi insisted. And the other men of the table seemed to debate this topic in words that were jumbled in Kamui's head but sounded composed enough to be a news broadcast. 

"5000 yen says he can," Daichi challenged the men of the table. "And without drugging him either." 

Kamui listened intently to the doubtful murmuring of the table, noting that the proposal of a bet had hightened everyone's interest in the issue. Had money not been involved he doubted anyone would care. 

"Well there you go, good luck Kamui ... I've got money on you." 

It didn't take Kamui long to find Subaru in the crowd. He was after all standing by himself off to the side smoking and looking generally morose, a tell tale Subaru behavior. He wander clumsily over to the Sumeragi, wrapping his arms about his waist and nuzzling his back. 

"Hey." 

Subaru looked over his shoulder and murmured an appropriate greeting. Kamui wasn't sure whether his tone was favorable or not but ... what the hell. 

He swung around Subaru and rested his head sweetly under the Sumeragi's chin. Frowning at the cigarette in Subaru's hand and said, "filthy, disgusting habit." 

Subaru pulled away half surprised, half in repulsion. "So is drinking," he answered. 

"Pfffftttt ... I'm not drunk." 

"I definitely should have made you drink two glasses." 

"Well ... maybe a little drunk." 

"Just a little?" 

Kamui nodded almost like he was very sleepy. Subaru took this on face value. 

"Come on, I'll take you home." 

The tiny grunt in Kamui's voice sounded more like a 'Narrrrrghh' than a 'No' but Subaru got the point. 

"Dance with me," Kamui said. 

"What?" 

"Just one? Please? It will make you feel better." 

"I feel fine," he was getting defensive which was a sure sign that he wasn't fine at all. 

Kamui shook his head up against Subaru's chest. "Nuh-uh ... you're all sad. You look like you need a hug." 

Subaru gave him one of those soft, ironic smiles. "Is a dance just like long hug?" 

"Yeah," Kamui purred. "With music." 

"Okay." 

Even in his slightly intoxicated state this surprised Kamui. "Really?" 

"Sure, if you dance by yourself in this state you might kill someone." 

Kamui laughed as he pulled Subaru out into the crowd. "It's your civic duty Subaru..." 

"Indeed." 

Kamui didn't have the coordination to do much more than sway back and forth in Subaru's arms, which was all right with Subaru. It was kind of like a giant hug, in some profoundly cheesy way, with Kamui's arms strung around his neck and his head pressed to Subaru's shoulder. It was pleasant ... comforting, but it didn't really make him feel any better. If anything it made him feel worse. 

"Be happy," Kamui scolded in the lightest of voices. "I just made 5000 yen, I'll treat you to ice cream." 

Subaru chuckled, "lucky me..." 

"Mmmmmmmmm," Kamui agreed. "Still mourning them?" 

It was unnecessary to ask who 'them' were, it was a logical enough conclusion for Kamui to have reached all things considered. A part of him missed his sister dreadfully on family occasions like this, but... "That's not the problem." 

"Then what is?" 

"It's not important-- Ow!" 

"Oops," Kamui giggled shyly in a way that told Subaru that was not the slightest bit accidental. "I've got two left feet, sorry. You were saying?" 

Subaru frowned, his foot throbbing a little where Kamui's heel had come down hard and out of rhythm. "If I tell you, you'll have forgotten it in the morning." 

"I'm not that drunk," Kamui protested weakly. 

"We'll see..." 

"Subaru?" Kamui's voice was distant as he hung on the edge of passing out. 

"Yes?" 

"You don't have to kill me if you don't want to ... I'll just stay here with you forever." 

Subaru got very quiet after that. 

"Subaru silly this isn't your room." Kamui looked around wide eyed and bewildered . The place was familiar yet he was having trouble placing it. Oh yes that's right this was... 

"Yes it's _your_ room." 

"The bed's too small for both of us," Kamui pointed out helpfully. 

"That's okay, you're sleeping here tonight, alone." 

"Why?" Kamui pouted. "Don't you like me anymore?" Subaru had been practically carrying Kamui before and now the young man had made himself especially comfortable in Subaru's arms and was snuggling cutely in support of his case. 

"You're going to be so sick tomorrow and I for one am not looking forward to getting thrown up on. So you sleep here tonight." He laid Kamui down on the bed only to find the former Dragon of Heaven wouldn't let go of him but instead was attempting to pull him down into bed with him. "Come on," Subaru prodded. "Let me go." 

"I could have alcohol poisoning ... you shouldn't leave me alone," Kamui complained as Subaru slipped out of his arms. 

"But you're only a little drunk," Subaru smiled. 

"I changed my mind, I'm very very drunk, dead drunk ... they hooked the keg right into my veins." 

"Uh-huh, how many fingers am I holding up?" 

"Six," Kamui chirped, Subaru doubted he even bothered to look. 

"Good night Kamui." 

Kamui groaned and pulled Subaru over before he could escape. "But ... but your bed is so cold..." 

"I have blankets." 

"And empty..." 

"Lots of blankets." 

"Please?" 

"Good night Kamui, sleep on your side so that you don't asphyxiate yourself." 

Kamui grumbled something adorably and promptly gave up. Subaru was sure Kamui would be fine, but he came by to check every few hours just to make sure anyway. 

Kamui grinned, being on his hands and knees brought out all of the animal qualities in his figure. The way his back ached into a fine, graceful curve. The way his thin arms and legs hid a layer of deceptively strong muscles. The way his eyes and lips and features of his face displayed pain, anger, joy so boldly. He rotated his shoulder a little slyly and moved towards Subaru. 

Sitting on the estate's pristinely kept grass, Subaru lifted an eyebrow when two hands came to rest on his legs like paws and Kamui leaned up and stared at him mischievously. He waited as he nursed a fleeting moment of curiosity to see what Kamui was up to, and watched as Kamui's eyes disappeared under his bangs. He grunted, and made a strange little sound Subaru wasn't sure how to interpret before lifting his head just enough to reveal a flash of grinning eyes and sniffed animatedly at Subaru. 

Subaru blinked and leaned back on to his hands as Kamui climbed up a little further and sniffed experimentally again, taking only a moment for reflection before he made an affirmative little expression and licked the side of Subaru's face. 

"Raa," Kamui said, not drawing away far enough for his face to be seen. He nuzzled Subaru's neck. 

Subaru laughed, "what is this, a cat?" 

He made no real attempt to push Kamui away, although he didn't encourage the behavior any either. 

Kamui growled up against the tender skin of Subaru's neck. He shifted his hands, nails scrapping the fabric under them like claws. "Wolf actually." 

"Wolf Kamui huh?" he leaned back a little more innocently so that Kamui could climb into his lap. Well perhaps not _so_ that Kamui could climb in his lap, but not surprisingly Kamui followed him and ended up just there. His hands pawed at Subaru gently, merely playfully pretending to claw at him. His teeth skimmed Subaru's shoulder, sinking into the flesh not so much painfully. Subaru shrugged him away with another chuckle. "So what, am I being mauled here?" 

Kamui shook his head, soft feathery locks of gray hair twitching back and forth with him. "Raaar," he said again, nipping at Subaru's ear. 

"You going to eat me Wolf-Kamui?" 

He grinned, "Maybe." 

"Maybe we should get you checked for rabies." 

"Rar!" Kamui attacked Subaru's neck with rough kisses, his hands clumsily undoing the buttons of his shirt. He nuzzled the onmyouji and pushed his weight forward gently. Subaru smiled--_God_ Kamui thought, _he's so gorgeous when he smiles_-- and lied back onto the grass without argument. The playfulness was so uncharacteristic for Kamui it pricked Subaru's curiosity. "You haven't been in the liquor again have you?" 

Kamui growled against his chest. "Nooo ... I'm wild and vicious." 

"Mmmmm ... truly," Subaru murmured, his hands working all through Kamui's unordered feathery hair. His fingers curved around the edge of Wolf-Kamui's ears and drew the hair back with a strong hand. "I am going to have to tame you?" 

Kamui's response was an odd sound Subaru had to strain to hear, and consider before he could identify it. "Wolves don't purr..." 

"They do when they have Subarus to pet them." 

"I see," Subaru hummed, his own voice a delicious deep purr as Kamui continued working down his torso. He was so different then before, Subaru thought idly. He had always been so timid, so self-conscious, but enthusiastic about these sort of things. Yet here Kamui displayed an amazing amount of confidence. He definitely wasn't a boy anymore. 

It occurred to Kamui that Subaru had fallen very silent and very still all of a sudden. And that he could barely hear the Sumeragi's breath curling slowly out of his throat. He was instantly terrified, he had come so far with the onmyouji, they had grown so close, shared so much... 

"Kamui?" 

His voice sounded weak, almost cracked. Not what he was expecting from Subaru at all. Kamui looked up, and sure enough the dull far away look that he dreaded was carried heavily in Subaru's green eyes. 

"Uhhh ... yeah?" 

He was so scared. God, what did he have to be scared of anymore? Soon everything would be over and he would lose the last thing he had to lose. 

"Did you ever hate me?" 

Of course Subaru would know him well enough to know that Kamui's harsh attitude over the months was more fear that Subaru would leave him again than real hate for anything Subaru might have done. 

"Hate you?" Kamui echoed. Why did he want to know this _now_? 

Subaru's hand pushed the edge of Kamui's shirt off his shoulder so timidly that immediately Kamui understood. He couldn't be feeling guilty about _that_ could he? 

"It never occurred to me that I was hurting you." 

Kamui didn't believe that. He didn't believe Subaru was lying to him either, but he didn't believe that Subaru never thought about it that way. He swallowed whatever he was feeling at the time and replied dryly, "no I never hated you Subaru." 

"Why not?" 

"I dunno ... I sympathized I think, you needed somebody. I didn't mind being your distraction really, you were mine anyway." 

Subaru shook his head and pulled Kamui down gently as he rose up off the grass. "I have a confession to make..." 

Confession? Kamui didn't like the way this was going. A tight ball was curling up in his stomach. That smile ... he couldn't allow himself to think this was going to go well. Every time he thought that Subaru might feel anything for him he was hurt. 

"You were never my distraction," Subaru admitted. 

Not even that? Great... "Oh... well..." 

"You were my fantasy." 

That ... that _couldn't_ be true... 

"It was one of those fantasies that I knew would never be reality," Subaru confessed. "Never they way I wanted things to be at least." 

"How did you want things to be Subaru?" 

Subaru looked up and shook his head weakly, "it's not important ... the past can't be undone so it could never be, any attempt would have been doomed from the start. Maybe I should have realized that sooner." 

Kamui hated being able to feel the blow coming, but having to wait for confirmation to be uttered. He wanted to get to the point already. "You're leaving me aren't you?" 

"No ... I'm not." 

"Then you're sending me away.." 

Subaru shook his head again before pulling Kamui across the distance that separated them and into a startling kiss. Kamui was overwhelmed, drawn into Subaru so deep it felt rough and consuming. The edge of Subaru's teeth scraping his lips and his tongue teasing him open. His hands were suddenly everywhere at once, running over Kamui's chest and shoulders, down his back and scooping under him, lifting him, pulling him up and demanding him close. Subaru's arms tethering him against the onmyouji's body. Everything was so close and hot. It was good, but it wasn't any kind of answer that Kamui wanted to hear. It wasn't what he needed to hear either. After all these years, even if he hadn't been conscious for most of them, he needed something solid. He needed a strong and truthful answer. 

He broke off the kiss a little more desperately than he would have liked, "what do you mean?" 

"I know it's silly to think you wouldn't understand," Subaru murmured as his finger tips skated gently down Kamui's cheek. "Feeling as if time is standing still for you. That what is in fact years for everyone else feels only like moments. Silly to think that you wouldn't understand the feeling of losing nine years, that at any moment you might be 16 again. I realize that's silly, if anything you have more reason to have felt like that than I did." 

Kamui nodded darkly, "I know what it is like." 

Subaru's hands were already drawing him back down. They were nestled in his head as the man's lips were working down his forehead. And moments were spent just breathing in the scent that was so close it could have mingled with the hot feelings of lust. "And to feel that it's all a dream you might one day wake up from..." Subaru's breath was lightly and erotically slipping across his skin. "I'm sorry Kamui, it was wrong to think of you like you weren't real ... like you had no feelings of your own." 

"Am I real now?" was all Kamui could think to ask. Despite their similarities he could not relate to what Subaru was proclaiming. He couldn't imagine fooling yourself into believing something like that. But then Subaru was very good at lying to himself. 

"Yes..." he sighed. "Although it seems that will just cause us both more pain. You can't stay here Kamui." 

Of course Kamui had been waiting to hear such a statement from the beginning, but his heart still shuttered coldly at the words. His eyes slipped closed and his hands tightened gently on Subaru's shoulders as if he were trying to hold himself together. "Why not?" 

Subaru smiled, although to Kamui's hurt and bitter mind it hardly seemed appropriate. "Because, you make me want things I can't have ... not yet at least. And I feel very strongly that there is a reason you woke up after all this time." 

"Like what, Fate?" 

"Maybe something like that, but it doesn't make sense to me otherwise. I know in my heart there's a reason you came back, there's something that awoke you Kamui, something you have to do." 

Kamui nodded, not at all comforted by this thought, simply accepting it for it's likelihood. "Sometimes I think I can remember it too." 

"You have to think about it Kamui, you have to try to remember what it was." 

"What if it was to be with you?" Kamui asked hopefully, although he knew neither one of them really honestly believed it. And it was wrong of him to encourage them both to lie to themselves just to have a few moments of empty happiness. That was what Subaru meant wasn't it? 

"I'm worried that it might be too easy for both of us to remain trapped by the bonds we have to other matters ... we could stay here like this," he suggested as he rested his cheek on the top of Kamui's head. "But we'd never really be together would we? There'd always be our unresolved pasts standing between us, pulling us further away until what? Until all the delusions dissolve? Until we have to sacrifice this tenderness to deny the truth? Until we hate each other?" 

"I don't know Subaru ... I don't know at all..." 

"Neither do I," Subaru admitted softly. "But it bothers me all the same. You asked me that night what it was that was keeping me from being happy with you, that's it." 


	9. ...and then you die

My Love and I 

Chapter 9: ...and then you die.

"Subaru ... Subaru!" Kamui had creeped back into bed and was shaking the onmyouji to rouse him. Snuggled contentedly under the thick fog of sleep, Subaru found this vaguely irritating and swatted Kamui away weakly. When that did not succeed in dissuading the younger man he tried to pull him into bed as if he could pull Kamui into his own slumber.

"Subaru!!" Kamui's whine suggested the interruption might be more important than Subaru wanted to admit.

"Negh?"

"Come on, it's time, it's happening, come on.."

He moved his arms over his face but made no attempt to get up. Kamui nudged a little harder, "Come on the doctor's here ... they need you there."

"Huh? Doctor ... what doctor?"

"The baby's," Kamui supplied with no little frustration.

"What?"

"...Maiko's in labor you nitwit!"

Now Subaru was awake. And violently so, he nearly threw Kamui completely off the bed. "Oh... that doctor."

It was well past dawn by the time the doctor entered the hallway with a tiny bundle in his arms. Both Subaru and Kamui sat at attention, Subaru's eyes wide enough to make one think he had no idea a **_baby_** was going to come out of Maiko.

"Well here he is, boy 8 pounds 9 ounces, healthy. But he should be brought to the hospital for some standard tests..." the doctor rattled off some more stats and advice. At the time, given the hours they could do nothing but wait it was a miracle that they heard anything he said at all. Kamui quickly took the child from the doctor's arms and stared at it in fascination.

"How's the mother?" Subaru asked.

"Exhausted, but otherwise fine."

Kamui couldn't believe it. So soft and small and delicate. So vulnerable to the horrors of the world. Instinctively he held the child closer to his chest. There was definitely something about him that made Kamui want to protect him from the world.

When he thought to look up he noticed Subaru watching him as if he was the most amusing thing in the world. Decorating him was the happiest smile Kamui had ever seen on the man.

"What?" Kamui shrugged self-consciously.

"You're smitten."

Kamui laughed softly and turned back to the tiny newborn in his arms. "Well look at him, he so beautiful..." Though he had been cleaned off some, the taint of blood was still on his skin and it made the child seem more vibrant and alive. He was beautiful, even bearing the stains of his mother ... he was beautiful. "He looks so much like his father."

Soft black hair, gentle skin... the features were hinting at a subtle resemblance. But the eyes were a foggy, unseeing, gray.

Subaru, in his amazing mind reading power, explained, "his eyes won't develop color until he's older." But he did resemble Daichi somewhat, and yet in the fascinating way of genetics he also resembled a billion other people. "You're both just adorable."

"Ah," Kamui smiled, for a moment considering asking Subaru 'can we keep him?' as if the child were some stray puppy instead of a baby.

"Not our decision."

"I know," he sighed. "I've accepted that." Then addressing the child he said. "You'll be safe baby-boy, you're going to a much happier place. To a mommy and daddy who love you very much."

"Mmmm ..." Subaru agreed, the fatigue from being up all night was starting to over take him. He let his eye drift shut peacefully and leaned up against the wall until courtesy could allow him to go back to bed. It was this half awake state that Kamui took advantage of.

"Subaru do you believe in reincarnation?"

"What?"

"Do you?"

"Ummmm ... no not really."

"Hmmmmm," Kamui logged this away. "Looking at him now I can't help but think about that, his eyes seem so old ... not at all new to this world."

"I told you all newborns look like that."

"That's why I asked."

"It's too late for theological discussions ... or early ... or ahh--whatever. You should probably give the child back to his mother and come to bed."

"Okay," Kamui agreed. "It's been a long night."

Souls trapped in the Sakura spend eternity frozen in time. They feel not the passage of the years, nor the fading of their own identities, they just waste away gradually.

He had been caught by the Sakura. His soul had been frozen in time, and though he could mark the years out plainly his past was as fresh as if it were yesterday. It was the long years in between the death of his sister and Seishirou-san's death that were faded and blurry.

He was trapped and had been since the day the Sakurazukamori had marked his hands.

Frozen ... untouched by time, an immortality of suffering. That was the fate of the Sakura's feed. He knew this a little too well...

He had not wanted to kill. Never anywhere in his heart had he enjoyed the experience ... but ...

Hokuto-chan was in her, as was Seishirou-san. Two people who were his very heart and soul. If she died, they would be lost forever. And even if he could forsake them, there were the thousands of souls among them to be contended with. If the Sakura died taking all her souls with her it would create a great spiritual imbalance that could have disastrous effects.

He had learned something in his time as a Seal: sometimes a scapegoat was necessary to restore balance. One person who take on responsibility for the crimes of society. It is not a question of justice. He would sacrifice himself and bear the crimes of murder, despite knowing that not killing would be an even greater crime. He would take responsibility for the sins of a city that had brought raise to such a Sakura and be punished in the stead of many. He would kill and through this act become the murderer. He would become the Sakurazukamori and be charged with the murders of every soul in that Tree.

He was not the lamb lead to slaughter, he was the goat. Not pure and innocent of the crimes he would be punished for, but guilty and tainted by thick damning blood. He was nothing as glorious as a sacrifice. And it agreed with him just as surely as it had been his choice for things to play out this way. He had not liked the path his life had taken, but now that he was standing on the crest of it he could see that it was the right way after all.

Kamui made a small content sigh and drew himself closer into Subaru's arms. Subaru's hand etched slowly down Kamui's back with just enough pressure to be comforting. This one...

This one could know of this. His knuckle skimmed gently around the curve of Kamui's face. He couldn't see what was to happen. He had seen someone punished for humanity's crimes. He had seen another become the purger and scapegoat once before. To witness this again ... it would break his heart. Even if he understood that Subaru wanted things this way, to be powerless, to be helpless, to be unable to change what would happen in the same way he always was would break him.

But if he would not leave, what to do with him? Subaru's attention had been dedicated to her, he could have no life outside of her as things were. And any attachment that remained beyond this point would be snared along with him. Could he in good conscious pretend to be ignorant of this?

Six month were nearly over. If Kamui would not leave before then, if he would not seize back the life he had given to Subaru, if he would keep his promise and stay the full term, what was Subaru to do with him? He had been chipping steadily away at the prison of the Sakura since he became its guardian. He could not know for sure when it would break, but it would be soon.

Subaru was forced to acknowledge the obvious, fate had left Kamui in his care for so long, and Kamui would not leave, perhaps Kamui had awoken for no other purpose than to be the blade that slit the goat's throat? He had been so once before, why not once again?

He would kill Kamui and the blood of the one-- dare he even think of love-- would damn his soul beyond redemption and then he would be the perfect scapegoat wouldn't he? The one to which all blood sacrifices made to the Sakura could be blamed.

But he had killed the one he loved once before, and Kamui had been the tool with which destiny had culled it's scapegoat once before. If this was the way to bring balance, why was Fate being redundant? And if it wasn't, would he be able to live with himself after he realized his error?

Kamui stirred a little more in his sleep. He was dreaming, Subaru realized.

If Kamui stayed the full six months, Subaru would have no choice but to kill him. His pack with the boy had seem secular enough, if only because there wasn't any golden light or flashy effects that might indicate magic, to Kamui. But it was a magic bond, the oldest form of spell that could bond two people together. It was a pack.

If Kamui stayed and he did not kill him, his attempts to free the Sakura were destined for failure. It would be as if he had one arm tied behind his back; he could not keep Kamui safe and provoke the power needed to exorcise the Sakura at the same time. Now that the Promise Day was over Kamui was little more than a bird with clipped wings. He was not defenseless, but he was no match for the Sakura either. Was there anyway Kamui could stay in Subaru's life and remain unharmed?

Perhaps at another time of his life Subaru would have been willing to put the success of his destiny as well as his own life at risk in order to prevent from having to hurt another. But the bloody work of the Sakurazukamori had made the lines between good, bad, and necessary weak and blurry. If Kamui were to break their agreement the contract between them would dissolve, if not then Subaru would be forced to either kill him himself or allow the Sakura's wrath to destroy him.

The contract had not opened any room for Subaru to back out. He had wanted Kamui to find a reason to live, and unfortunately that wasn't something he could just decide. He did not like the situation, but he liked compromising all that he had suffered for, all that he had endured for even less. He had lost so many of the things that were precious to him, how could he make all that meaningless? Subaru did not want to forsake Kamui, but it appeared that he was helpless to influence the outcome.

The soft clouds of his memories parted, like a fog recoiling in the presence of the sun. He stood upon the pale dirty sky, made a bland tan shade by dust and debris of a fallen Tokyo.

He remembered this place. This was the roof of the observation deck on Tokyo Tower.

"You shouldn't feel guilty about it."

Even after all he knew that voice still made him cringe. He turned around too quickly, gave away his panic too easily. "Fuuma?"

"It was my choice to keep our promise."

Fuuma was no where to be seen. No... no this was familiar, it was not Fuuma's spirit speaking to him in a dream. It was a memory of Fuuma's dying words. He could see them now, the translucent images of himself and his fallen friend, airy like ghosts in the mist. "Even if I told you to forget it?"

Fuuma shrugged, "would you have forgotten it? I choose to protect you from the one thing you feared the most by granting your wish, because I promised you I'd protect you no matter what."

"And at what cost?" Kamui shot back. "Do you think it was worth it to me to lose so much over a silly desire? Had I known trying to run away would have made you do it I would have gotten over wanting--"

"Not to have the power?"

"Yes,"

"Do you blame me for it?" His eyes were curious, unoffended by Kamui's frustration.

"No ... I just ... it was more important to me that you and Kotori were safe and happy than--"

"That's not true," Fuuma laughed. "That's not true at all. Nothing was more important to you than living and having control over your own life. Who better to grant humanity salvation than the boy who embodies it very spirit?"

The ghosts of old Fate fell silent. Kamui knew he never found the words to undo the impossible. Were that such words existed that would make God realize he was wrong, that Kamui had been better than that. Were that language had the kind of words that once utter could make Fate correct itself and give it all back.

"It's true, you do want to live over anything else. If it weren't I would have killed you."

"It's not fair..." the younger Kamui muttered. He was crying quite visibly and shamelessly. "If this what you wanted, what I wanted, what everyone wanted, why does it seem so unjust? Why do I hate myself for the very thought? It should have been me ... I would rather all the responsibility be mine."

"There's only so much one person can do," Fuuma smiled. "Your will is your fate."

"Life shouldn't have been so important to me, I should have considered you over--"

"Well..." his twin star said. "That's for another time."

"Another time..." Kamui echoed, he had never understood what Fuuma had meant by those last ominous words. As the memories faded slowly from his attention-- and not even the anguished cries of his younger self could stir him-- he remembered what happened that day on Tokyo Tower.

As he had made his way down, his soul like a hardened lump of lead in his body, his anger and frustration and the sheer weight of all his pain sealed a promise. He would wait until the day when he could repay Fuuma's kindness. He would wait and he would never allow himself distraction, nor would he allow himself to move on until the tremendous debt had been filled.

He started to feel light headed and the beams he held on to felt too difficult to grip. Fuuma was dead ... he would have to wait such a long, long time to fulfill his promise. Could he endure all the years in which he could do nothing but wait? Was he strong enough to watch the world slide past him and not be tempted? He would never forgive himself if he allowed something to drag him away from his promise.

Sleep... if he slept nothing of this world could touch him. Curl up into a black cocoon and wait, safe and protected from the temptations of pleasures he could not have.

And then suddenly Kamui knew what it was that had awakened him, he knew with a certain and a clarity that seemed too ethereal not to be the truth.

Draped over the other man like a blanket, he knew he should be ashamed at his lack of consideration, but he was too weary. Much too weary to fight it anymore. "Subaru?"

"Hm?"

He ignored the hand working through his hair with a gentle and pleasing stroking movements. Such things were deceptive and Subaru was not really with him just yet. He could not have this just yet, the business of the end of the world had not reached its completion. And there were still promises he was bound by his honor to see through. If he were to ignore his obligation to them how would he ever be able to enjoy a future of his choosing?

The same was true for Subaru. It was not that Subaru did or did not care for him. Kamui with his immature mind had misunderstood it all. It was not that Subaru did not love him, it was that he had obligations to be meet before anything new with Kamui could develop. Promises that had been made a long time ago. Long before Kamui had been born...

_So many years ago you started something. Foolish and young you wished to help the souls of the Sakura, but you were stopped by the Sakurazukamori. Things must come to a close, if you do not finish what you started long ago it will haunt you forever ... and we will always be like this so close physically but pulled away by dim suppressed thoughts of the past. Things need to end. And now that you are his successor, there is nothing to stop you but yourself. _

_Do it Subaru ... I know you can._

He felt compelled to say it, even though he knew it would be misleading. "I love you."

He knew that Subaru would not answer him. He also knew that those three words-- although they summed up everything he was feeling-- were not enough to communicate what he wanted Subaru to know.

"Don't misunderstand me, I love you because love isn't about soul mates or destiny. Sadly, you're not my destiny ... although I may wish otherwise sometimes because it would be convenient to have what makes me happy also be what I'm required to do. Love is about being happy that a person is in your life. Love is wanting to carry that person with you as you go so that no matter what adventures you have you're always grounded. Your life matters because of the people you know, not so much the people that know you, but the people your heart and mind recognize ... Love is living for others just because they exist, not because they love you back. So I can say easily Subaru that I love you and everyday I'm happy I met you."

"That's a lot wisdom for such a little boy," Subaru commented quietly.

"I just felt you should know. Because I've met people while I've been with you here that carry such regret because they never got to say to themselves what I have said to you ... Subaru?"

"Aa?"

He had never really wanted to die, he had just wanted to know the answer to his own life. He had never perceived himself as a free spirit before, but now he knew that if he kept in mind what he truly wanted the correct path would open through the mists he was lost in. His destiny was free for his decision.

"What do you do when two promises conflict with each other?"

"You determine which one is more important."

Kamui's hugged Subaru's body closer to his. "What if deciding which one is more important is too painful?"

"Then you should probably honor the one that you made first."

He nodded, "that's what I thought. I just wanted to make sure you thought so too, so you'd understand and wouldn't be sad. I made a promise to two people I love very much." With a breath he changed the subject. "I believe in you. Tomorrow you'll have nothing that will keep you from doing it. No commitments to your clan, no guardians to get through first ... and your promise to the remaining Seals is fulfilled, you looked after me. Please be strong the only one you have left to fight is yourself."

"Shirou-san has left us?" Maiko asked quietly.

"I suppose so." He took out his cigarettes and tapped the pack roughly on his palm a few times. "He broke his promise."

"Will you go after him?"

Subaru shrugged, selecting an eager cigarette and sitting it between his lips. He pulled out his matches. "If he didn't hold up his end of the deal there's no reason why I should hold up mine."

She frowned and eyed him suspiciously, "You did this on purpose. You had no intention of killing him."

The match hissed when struck, a bright orange light dancing hungrily across it. He lit the cigarette, inhaling sharply a few times to get the tobacco to burn before drawing it out with his fingers, and exhaling a steady cloud of smoke. Soft, sparkling eyes opened and looked over at her lazily. "Really now Maiko-san, I'm a man of my word."

She could have sworn he grinned at her. She shook her head in disapproval and rolled her eyes. "Uh-huh, should I have breakfast prepared for you?"

"If you would please."

"Certainly Sumeragi-san."

End


End file.
